Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Struggle, Part II of ???

I can't believe Christmas is over. Well, the holiday is not over for us, but I just can't believe that this is the end of December. The year seemed to fly which is so weird because so often I don't know if I can make it through the day, or the minute or the second. The pain I felt going to bed on Christmas eve and then on Christmas morning was excruciating. As I lay in bed that night trying to fall asleep, I missed our baby boy so much. I had that dull ache, a nauseating feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach that was emotional and physical all at once. Just sick that he is not here with us. At eight months old, and with 3 older siblings, he would have so much fun watching and learning what to do on this special holiday. We would have had so much fun watching and learning what he could do. I cried myself to sleep eventually that night and woke up in a hurry as the other three yelled at us from their rooms. I rushed around to get the final preparations complete and then watched as they tore open gifts, handed out gifts and played with their new toys. Then I sat down by Chase's tree and read the kids' letters to him, read Karly's present she made for him and just cried. I was so confused. I looked at the three kids and Patric and thought about how happy I was to have them and be a part of their lives and how much joy they give me every day. But then I looked down in my lap at his pictures and could not stop crying because our little boy was not here and he really should be. Of course, it was that "inside", quiet-as-you-can-cry, but the tears were unstoppable. Karly gave me a hug and a smile and I smiled back at her and loved her right back. And I wiped my tears and put on my happy face, but kept crying on the inside.

I was told our first Christmas without him would be the hardest. But I had no idea. I did not expect the huge wave that would hit me. And I didn't allow myself to think that Patric would be having an equally painful time, in his own way, and not the same as mine. The question I don't have the answer to is where do you meet when you no longer grieve in the same way as your spouse, but you are both still in so much pain? After finally realizing this, I don't know how to fix it. How do I comfort him on his journey when I am on the same journey but in a different vehicle? I can't quite reach him the same way as when we were both riding side by side and he can no longer do the same for me, either. I know we are there for each other, but our needs are different now. I don't know how to solve this one, but I think that understanding that this is happening is a start. I can't explain this very well, but I'm just trying to say that I love my husband more than anything. And I know that he is going through the worst tragedy that anyone ever has to go through. There are times that I may be able to comfort him and there are times that I may not know what to do. The compounding factor of this is that I, too, am going through the exact same worst tragedy ever, but dealing/thinking/hurting differently because I am me and he is him. I am so sorry, Patric, for being so caught up in my sorrow and guilt and sadness, that I have somehow looked past yours. I should be the rock for you that you are for me. You know me, and you love me for who I am and I am the luckiest girl in the world for that. Just know that you mean the world to me and I am trying. Trying to cope, trying to live, trying to love all my kids with all my heart the best that I know how. And, with every breath, I love you.



  1. Christy it IS so hard when you realize that your husband is dealing with his grief in ways that you can't fathom. I felt a profound separation from my husband as we moved through our grief journey separately but together. The feeling of "we're in this together" lasted as long as it took to have our son buried and then he went about his grieving differently than me. As long as you understand that this is where he is and this is where you are and that you can give the other person their space to do things in their own time, things will be fine. It feels isolating when you can no longer relate to where the other one is but if you remember that grief is a lonely journey you must walk on your own and if you love each other unconditionally through it all, you will come out stronger in the end. I know how painful the first Christmas is, ours came six weeks after Calvin died and there was no joy whatsoever. This was our second Christmas and it was peaceful. I promise you that none will hurt as much as this one, the pain does diminish in time. Continue to honour Chase's part of your family and although he isn't with you in body, he will be with you in spirit as the love you have for him shines in what you do. Sending you hugs...

  2. I can't really add to what Margaret said, because she said it so well. The good thing is that you are recognizing where you and your husband are in this grief. It will make your love for each other stronger. Sending you lots of love!

    I think what you did for Chase on Christmas morning is just beautiful.

  3. Christy-

    I know what you mean about not being able to help your husband because you are so wiped out yourself. We started seeing a grief counselor the day after the funeral and have continued to do so. It has really helped us "stay on the same page". Our counselor always tells us to talk about everything that we are feeling -- good or bad. He says that the marriage gets in trouble when you stop talking. We definitely have grieved differently but because we talk so much, we understand where each of us is at. It helps to understand.

    Congratulations for making it through one of the hardest days!!! It's over and you will never have to do that one again.


    ps- I have a question for you. Could you email me when you get a chance. - thanks!

  4. I don't know what I can add...I'm at a loss for words. I think your tribute to Chase on Christmas morning was beautiful. sending your and you family hugs and prayers.

  5. I'm so sorry that you are having to walk this journey.

    It's rough and hard but you will get through it. I remember my first Christmas and it was nothing like I thought it would be. So take care of yourself and be easy on you.

    If you ever need to chat Im here day and night.

    Our Angels are playing together no doubt it.