Monday, January 28, 2013

January: Off and running

Oh my.  I started this post two weeks ago.  And it's the end of January now.  It's going fast.  Everything.  The days, the weeks, the months, the years.  Time.  That linear enemy that measures our existence.  More gray hairs, less hair, more wrinkles, bigger pores. Ahhhh, to know it is to love it.  Right?  Well not that stuff.  But I love this life.  I love all that it has to offer.  Owen turns 2 in two weeks.  I love these days.  I can't get enough of him.  I think I've said that since the day we brought him home, haven't I?  He is learning manners and he has such a comedic personality.  Of course....he loves entertaining his siblings.   He says "peeze" (please) and "tink-u" (thank you) and "wecome" (your welcome and "bess-u" (bless you).  Oh and he also says "shup" (shut-up), "cwap" (crap) and "sucka".  He has brought us so many laughs and giggles and smiles and so much love.  The old never know how much love your heart can hold...?  And since I'm with him all the time (All.The.Time), he really is my little buddy.  It reminds me of Reese....I had forgotten how much time he and I had spent together and that I felt exactly this way.  I stop and look at Reese.  And I feel sad because I'll be reminded of this and realize that I spend so much time with Owen that I have missed out on Reese these last two years.  I feel him growing up, yet trying to stay my little boy all at once.  And sometimes I feel like I make him grow up because I have Owen occupying my time and needing my attention....leaving Reese left to figure it out on his own.  On my emotional days this really bothers me.  But when I think more rationally, I realize this is all part of the kids growing up.  And fact is, I don't want them to.

I have so much love in my heart.  And this makes me happy.  I can feel it bursting at the seams. And this life would be perfect.  If.... Only if...  But it's what we have and for what it is, it is perfect.

I took Owen to library this morning and it was so much fun watching him  sing and clap, all the while nestled snuggly into my lap.  There was a little girl that talked just like him, she was just his age and such an outgoing little girl and quite vocal.  The grandma told me she had an older brother that helped make their household a very busy one.  An older brother that was 3 1/2.  He wasn't with her but I so badly wished he was.  I wanted to see the age difference and the interaction for my own eyes.  I had imagined it so many times with Owen but to think of the two siblings and compare them to Owen and Chase brought tears to my eyes.  I was so happy to be there with Owen.  And I was just as equally sad to be there without Chase.  So my imagination was all I had, once again, to fill in the gaps.

It goes without saying that Chase is on my thoughts constantly.  I miss him dearly.  When I go to bed at night, I see a star.  It's a bit blurry without my glasses but I see it very vividly and I see it every night.  And I think of Chase.  It has something to do with him, even though I'm not sure exactly what it is.  But the fact that I see it so "clearly" and it shines so brightly tells me he's out there.  Some days I struggle to feel him.  I struggle to feel even remotely close to him.  But then other days he is very near.  It doesn't mean my life isn't perfect.  It's missing someone in a very huge way.  But what is in my life makes me happy and fills my broken heart, busting at the seams.  It's just how I live.  <3 p="">