Friday, December 11, 2009

The Mountains & the valleys

My blogger friend, Laura, told us about a website where you can have your blog printed and bound into a book and I have been ready to do that. I need to do it a) before the book gets too big that I won't be able to afford to bind it ;) and b) to put it with my pregnancy journals and stow them away....somewhere...for my girls, should they ever have any interest in this stuff called life that I am experiencing. Anyway, I have been waiting for the perfect post to end this part, called Book I, or something like that.

I guess what comes to mind is how I have changed since Chase died and who it is, exactly, that I am now. The thing is, I'm still not sure. And don't know that I ever will. For when Chase died, he took part of me with him. And just as I feel like I didn't get to know him, there's a part of me that I won't ever get to know.

Of course there is telling in what is not here. I do know some things just merely by what is not in my presense. The first thing is this.....Before Chase died, I had a feeling, or a curiosity, or a premonition, if you will. It had started a long time before April of 2009 and I don't know exactly when, but I had some sort of "feeling", and I don't know a better way to describe it, that something bad was due for our family. I had often thought about the devestations that happen in our world and how lucky, incredibly lucky, we were to not have experienced any such tragedy, to not have cancer or diseases or have someone close and dear to us have to experience that, no natural disasters to take our possessions or damage our outlook on life. Our kids have all of their grandparents and were lucky enough to know several of their great grandparents. And most of all, Patric and I were healthy and fully capable of providing ourselves and our children with enriched lives. I am not an overly obsessed worrier, but I found myself increasingly worrying about something happening to someone close to me. It just seemed like were were playing a game and had escaping all of the bad things that happen to people. We were lucky. And I say that all the while admitting that we had our share of professional and financial troubles. I just felt that as bad as things got in our pocketbooks, we were so lucky to have our health and our family.

Then Chase died. And though a lot of events happened that day and up to that day that gave me the premonition that something bad was forthcoming, I never expected to lose my child. But it happened. It happened to me. It happened to my kids, Patric, our family. We lost a life; forever ripped from our hearts. I would like to say that for this price, I no longer worry that something bad will happen to us again, but I can't. Because I know that life offers no guarantees. Nothing is given to us. We are dealt a hand and we must decide what to do with it. And the only thing I can say is that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I might do a few things differently, mainly because I feel love in a different way that I used to. I feel things differently than I used to. I feel differently than I used to. And I guess that is a little bit of who I am now. I know that the mountain that we have come upon in living without Chase has not defined us, rather it has shown us a deeper perspective of who we are. We never thought we could live on, but we are. We. Are. Because such is life and we have to decide how we are going to Live. On. Our kids think and feel differently, too. I can see it in their eyes. I can feel it in their touch. I can hear it in their words. Losing Chase and trusting that they will get to see him again has given them a faith that not very many know. A perspective like this is something that their lives would have been fulfilled not to have known. But as life would have it, they now feel, love, and see things deeper than they did before April 17th. They know how to survive in a way that we never could have taught them. They watched Chase fight and they know that they have it in themselves to fight, too. They know that family means we all stay together and though we might not be able to see Chase, we feel him and we know he is there. And Chase feels us. He feels our love. He has to. How can he not?

So it is with this post that I close this journal and move on to the next one. I can't really call it a Chapter or a Book because I don't feel like have have achieved anything or reached a goal or started anything anew. All I know is this life will go on, our stories will continue and our love will always endure. I won't say that there is always tomorrow, but I do know that our family is definitely more than forever.


  1. This is such an amazing post. So much to think about. I too thought that my life was just somehow so, so good and fortunate before losing Lachlan. I never thought I'd lose a child, and I never knew that my life and who I am and how I feel could change so instantly. I never knew that I could love so much, and I never knew that I could hurt so much. I'm so glad to hear that you are living on, and that your family has found a way to incorporate Chase into living and that you feel him there with you.

  2. This post brought tears to my eyes & chills. I too believe that our babies can feel our love. It is so strong that I am sure it passes through whatever time & place needed to get there. I also feel my daughter's love. I think it has helped me continue on. I believe Chase will continue to help you & your family as well. I love how you explained how losing Chase has afftected your other children. It has given me a little more perspective regarding my son's dealt hand in all this. Thank you.

  3. Wow a very inspiring post and much of it echoes how I feel about Abigail. I hope the closing of the journal doesn't mean you stop talking about these things though! I guess not as another post after this one.

    Clearly you will always be a different person living without Chase. His death doesn't have to define you for you to be different. You are his mum and that is huge.

    Take care

  4. Christy, we never expected to lose our babies. It is something that happened and it opened our eyes and hearts. I too feel things differently and you describe that perfectly. This is an inspiring post and I have tears for you and all of us who have experienced this loss. I truly believe that our babies are here with us. Not just in our hearts, but watching over us.


  5. This is a great post to end the book. I saw Laura mention it and it is definitely something I want to do but I need to find a company that will let me pick which entries to put in instead of lumping them all in a book b/c there are some entries that I don't want in the book (like giveaways and such).

    I can relate in a way to the premonition you talk about. Before Carleigh was conceived and a couple months aftere Kyndra was born I was drawn to stories of people who carried their children to term after a fatal diagnosis. There's no reason why I was, I just was. I'm glad I read them. But if you would've asked me then I would've totally said it couldn't happen to me. I don't say that anymore. And as much as I want to hope for the future I simply cannot rid myself of the feeling that this is going to happen to me again. I hope it is only me being silly in the head. I hope.