Sunday, December 6, 2009

Going Back

The girls are working on the church praise dance team performance. They have been working very hard, putting in a lot of time with their teacher (she is wonderful) and the show is next Sunday. I am very excited about watching them....I am always so proud of them and their teacher and what she accomplishes with the team. Anyway, they had a very short "teaser" performance this morning in church to encourage members to come watch. So we went to church.
I haven't been in a while. In fact, the last time I did, was a communion Sunday, and I left about 20 minutes into the service because I started crying and couldn't stop. I wrote about it here. I guess it had been a few months. Patric ran into a church member last week and she asked why we hadn't been coming. He told her we will when we are ready. She asked about me and he told her I have been struggling with, in his words, "the whole church thing". She told him we should come because they were there to help us with that, with everything, with anything.
I feel loved in that church. I love the all it's knotty pine and cabin-like warmth, all it's close-knit, small town feel. But it is so incredibly hard for me to walk in there. It is beautifully decorated for Christmas. All the symbols I used to love and cherish are now staring at me like I'm an outcast. Like I don't fit in with them (the symbols, not the people). They seem foreign to me. I see the white lights on the tree and the lights on the nativity sets and pretty starbursts grow from them...bigger and bigger until I can no longer see through my welled up eyes and tears start to fall. And they fall. And they don't stop.
I knew this would happen. I knew when I went in there, I would cry. Not only because of Chase's funeral, but because whatever would happen in there, whatever the sermon might be, it would relate to me. Some how. It would identify with me and some aspect of my life. Whether I wanted to or not.
So I cried. As quietly and inconspicuously as I could. And Patric held my hand and comforted me. But I was stupid to hope no one would notice. I was dumb to think I was alone. Too many people care about us too deeply. I feel it. And it helps. A little. But it also hurts. The warm looks and the heartfelt words, "it was nice to see you this morning," are so kind and well meant. But it hurts to be there. It hurts to feel love when all I want to do is love the son I can't hold.


  1. Christy-

    I felt the exact same way (except we didn't have Nate's service at our church). But, we tried going back a few times the first year and I was a complete mess. I felt like the worship songs, all the people,the scriptures and the messages would be too much for me and I would completely break down. I didn't want anyone's eyes or judgement on me. I didn't want to publically grieve my son. So, we finally decided that we would go back when it felt right.

    Until then, we watched the Webcasts of a mega church in our area -- Saddleback - pastor Rick Warren did the prayer for President Obama. It was good to worship at home. God really spoke to me during those messages - each and every one of them. I was still connecting with Him but I was doing it on my terms.

    After Nate's 1 year anniversary, I felt ready to go back to church. It was's still hard. I'm uncomfortable, people are uncomfortable. But it's good to be there. It's good to connect with God in that way.

    I think that you'll know what the right thing to do is. I believe that you'll find your way back when the time is right. I tried to push myself down the path at a faster rate than I could handle. That's when I fell apart. Now that I'm getting stronger it's easier to challenge myself. You will get there too!


  2. Praying for you so much.

  3. Good for you to make it through today -- and that Patric was there for you, too. It sounds like they miss you -- I'm glad they were able to tell you after church today. I hope you can remember that many, many lives (in your church community, too) have been touched - and continue to be touched - by you and Chase.

    love and hugs,

  4. I feel the very same. I went to church yesterday for a Christmas service. Every single child was a boy.. Right in front of me an infant son... cooing right at me... We both have lost our boys and it is so hard to go but so good to go. I just let the tears fall now any time and any place they are. I love your blog it just helps that I am not alone.

  5. Church is the most emotional place for me. It is where we had one of Carleigh's visitations and her service. The pew where I held my daughter during her service is the same one we sit in every Sunday. Yeah, I can always relate something in the service to me and what I am going through. Many times the tears have filled my eyes.

  6. Hugs and love to you Christy :)

  7. Just wanted to stop and say I was thinking of you...

  8. I love you so much mom. I never had any idea you were crying. tell me and sometimes i can make you feel better. just like I all ways say, I can't try to help you unless you tell me about everything you can. well, at least that is the thing I have to tell Karly in order for her to tell me stuff. love you!

    If only as many people would check my blog as they do yours!

  9. Chris, love, love, love to you and your whole family. Would give anything to be able to say something that would ease your pain...but just don't know what to say. Emma's comment was so precious. Reminded me that we can't "bear each other's burdens" if we don't know the burdens someone is carrying. Peace, precious Mommy.