Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A blog award

My friend Karol, at Loving Laynee, has put my name on her list as an award winner.  What a compliment!  I love Karol's blog but hate that she ever found me or I found her in the ways we did.  This tragic history we share has brought us comfort...in knowing there was someone out there who felt exactly the same way, which seems impossible.  I am very thankful for this community for this reason and hope that I have offered at least some of the same comforts to those who have given me so much.  These 10 blogs I check up on at any given moment, pretty regularly.  But there are so many others.  Some were on Karol's list, so I tried not to duplicate.  Some I check in on to see how big their rainbow babies are.  Some I just visit every now and then.  But they all helped me.  When I first found this community, I would get "lost" easily in cyberspace, wandering around from blog to blog, bookmarking or following so many of them.  Because we are all on the same journey.  The journey varies from person to person, but the pain is so familiar.  So I hope these 10 bloggers feel as complimented as I did in receiving this acknowledgement from a friend who sadly, but gracefully, walks in the same shoes.

Here are the rules:
1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Looking for Blue Sky
Have You Seen The Insanity
Caring for Carleigh
The Happy Sad Mama
Footprints on Our Hearts
Living Life Without Sophia and Ellie
Through My Mother's Eyes...Vayden's Story
Missing Mackenzie
Love Reign Over Me
Two In Heaven, One on Earth

Friday, September 10, 2010

Always like this

It's never a long period of time that passes when I don't read a post on one of my babyloss mom's blogs about a milestone that was reached. A year since the birth, the death, the due date....and I look at my calendar and see 1 year, 4 months 3 weeks and 2 days since Chase went to heaven. I can't believe it has been that long. A year ago I never thought of this day. I was trudging through each day as the sun rose, but I certainly did not have on my mind what my life would be like when Chase had been gone for a year and more. I didn't want to think of that time. I remember feeling like I was drowning because I wanted time to stop and because with each passing day, I felt like he was slipping further and further away from me.

This is the worst feeling, speaking from my experience, as someone who has lost a baby. When there are only so many memories to hold on to, and even fewer sweet, precious moments type of memories, to hold on to the legacy of your little one. There is an immense longing to see my little boy as a toddler. I wonder who he would look like, probably just like his big brother, but I will never know for sure. When I see babies that I suppose are near Chase's age, I always try to guess. First how old they are, then what my baby must look and act like.

I have not had the dreams I thought I would have had by now. I may have dreamt about Chase, though, and not remembered it. I had a dream a few nights ago....one that is fading because it was so.....real.....so...weird.....and so scary once I woke up. I can't remember much of it now but I remember having a baby, that I think was Chase, because it was Chase's age, but I don't remember the face. This baby was in a crib or bassinett or casket, or something, laying there, lifeless. There was another baby tinier, laying in another bed, too, lifeless. I'm sure the older one was Chase, because I had "kept" him. Somehow. Since he died. And eventually, he gasped and started breathing. And I just picked him up and held him and cried. And cried and cried. That's all I remember about my dream. I think the little baby took a breath, too, in my dream. They both "came to life". Right before my eyes. It was a very disturbing dream. I long so dearly to hold my sweet Chase, to feel him moving and hear him and touch him. And I got him back in this dream. I didn't get to "see" him really, I don't remember a face or any details...other than him coming to life finally.....after laying there this whole time....this past year plus. And I don't remember much about the other baby, either. Just that he, too, had started breathing.

And as I checkup on my BLM friends and read their stories, I realize that we are moving on, our lives continue. But then again, we are stuck. In a time when we try to remember our babies. A place where we forever will be.....until we are with them again some day.

I miss Chase as much today as I did the day he left us. I feel differently, my struggles are different, but I still ache for him. I look at his picture every day and though some times I just see the picture, there are other times when I take myself back to that very point in time....trying so hard to remember more than what is in the photograph. Wishing, still, I had more. Because as these days pass, I do feel further away from him. The pain not so sharp, but dull and everlasting. And maybe, maybe some day soon, I'll get a visit from him in a dream I can hold onto.