Friday, April 30, 2010


It's hard to believe we are a  year out...not only of our tragedy....but moreso from Chase's birthday.  He would be walking around by now.... following everybody all over the place....trying to get in on the action.  Today I could nearly see him.  The kids were all in the kitchen after school.  At least 2 of them were talking to me at once.  And for some reason, I could see Chase right there in the middle of them...or off to the side maybe.  But definitely in the mix.  And it never seems like a lot of kids now.  Before we had Chase, I would have thought, "wow, 4 kids, that's alot".  Not now.  There is such a hole where he should be.  

I was stricken with guilt today.  I realized that he is not at the forefront of my mind when I'm running around busy in the day-to-day hustle.  It's not like the other 3.... I don't feel guilty when I am busy with things and don't think about them all the time.  Some days not until it's time to pick them up.  THey are never far from my thoughts, as is Chase, but I don't feel guilty about it.  Because I can see them and give them a squeeze and a kiss and tell them I love them.  I can't do that with Chase.  I talk to him.  I told him I was sorry today for not thinking about him and promised him I would never forget him and that I missed him so terribly much.  But it didn't make the guilt go away.  I want him here so bad I can't stand it.  Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do anymore than I did the day he died.  I do my best to steer clear of little ones....not because I want to....but because I don't know if I should or not.   I'm afraid of what feelings would surface.  Feelings I want only for Chase and am determined to save for him still.   

How I wish you were here sweet boy.  How I wish you could watch your big brother play his first season of Tball....and go fishing with daddy....and be read to by Emma...and fussed over  by Karly.  How I wish I could just hold you in my arms....
Loving you always,

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Visiting Chase's Grave

We visited Chase's grave this week. It was a six hour drive returning to a place that would remind us so acutely of a time of deep pain and anguish. The weather was grey and gloomy the entire trip and even if we wanted to, we would not be able to set the monument for Chase. The sancrete would never have dried with the constant drizzle. We paid our respects regardless and arranged and re-arranged the flowers we had brought for him, from us and both his grandmas. As if we were "fixing" them for him, like a parent always feels we must do. Something to busy our hands, I guess. The rain was persistent, but not obtrusive. We were able to have a good visit, if that is possible. For a moment, maybe two minutes, while Patric and I were alone at his grave and the kids were in the car, the sun poked through the clouds. It was so magical how this happened. I wish I would have pointed my camera up and just snapped a shot, in hopes that I might have deciphered something later that I couldn't comprehend in that moment. If ever I have felt it, though, it was Chase speaking to us. Looking down on us tell us he was okay.
Patric and I have had several deep conversations lately about him and where we each think he is or what he is or just what we think period. And in those conversations I have been comforted in a way only my soulmate could comfort me. It turns out that we have both been feeling Chase's presence in and around us. There have been specific moments and specific feelings, however indescribable they are, that we have communicated to each other and felt the same thing.

We are not on the same path in our journey as we were in the beginning. Patric is seeking different things that I am right now. He is comforted in different ways than I am. We feel very much the same on a lot of things, and we are both searching, but searching for different answers and different explanations. I had received several texts and emails and cards and even some packages in the mail leading up to and on Chase's birthday. My sisters, in particular, sent me some very, very touching gifts that mean so very much to me and remind me how exactly my little boy touched their lives as well. Friends of ours from all over the country sent texts, to my phone, letting us know that we were in their thoughts and offering any help that me might need to get through this last week. It wasn't until we were in bed Wednesday night laying, waiting, to fall asleep, that I realized that Patric hadn't personally received any of these things that I had. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, no package. Nothing. Nothing specifically directed to him. I know he didn't expect this, he's really not the type to even want something on an occasion like this. It is comforting to him to see that I have family and friends in my life that care enough to do this for me. But as his wife, I want to just cover him up with love from me and the hopes that he feels just as loved as we do. I know men grieve differently and have different needs in grief but it doesn't stop me from wanting to protect his feelings with some sort of force field of love from us to try to equal that which I feel. The truth is I know he has more of that from us than he ever bargained for and that's really all he will ever need. But in a time of such pain and suffering I want to make it better for him when I can't.

Returning to Chase's grave this week stirred up a lot of emotions I hadn't felt for a long time. The pain felt raw and the wound felt very fresh. It did for all of us, you could see it, hear it, and feel it from the girls as they cried from their bellies, quivering from their sobs, missing their baby brother so dearly. My anger came back. I became very mad again, like it had all just happened, recalling in my head how the events throughout those days transpired, wishing things had been done differently. So desperately wishing I had done something when I knew I should.

But this visit was about Chase and thinking about him. And I have been working on/thinking about this a lot vision of my sweet baby boy. God how I miss you sweet Chase. I can't begin to tell you how much. But I want you to have fun up there...and enjoy this birthday and all those to come...and one day, we will all be together again. I love you.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Happy 1st Birthday, Chase

Here are some pictures from our celebration of this very special day.  A very sad day, a little bit of happiness, but an immeasurable amount of love.
Balloons for Chase
Sending them up

The wild horses, a rare site....with a baby.

Thank you all for the emails, comments, cards, gifts, thoughts and prayers.  We felt them all and love that our little man was in the hearts and minds of so many, today especially.  The worst feeling, I now know, about losing someone, is that they will be forgotten.  And on this day, we felt so much love in remembrance for Chase.  I know he felt it, too.   Thank you.

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Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

" you know how loved you are?"

Some of Chase's birthday wishes. Wishing you a happy #1 birthday up in heaven little man. We miss you more than words can say and will be celebrating you all day. I love you baby boy.

EJ made you this card and we all signed it. We'll be sending it to you.
Your presents from Aunt Meg & Aunt Lyn, who love and miss you very much, too.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Here we are

I have been busy. Busy with a lot of things that I need to do....and don't need to do. Busying my time, maybe. Spring is here, the hummingbirds singing, the flowers blooming, we have started T-ball and Allie is white again after the rain showers we had yesterday!

But still, there is a cloud. It seems to be looming. It has been, for me, the last 6 weeks. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure what it is even. I am confused by the calmness that I have been enveloped in. A sort of calm before the storm, I anticipate.

I have not had much emotion...but it is coming. Little by little. I have felt protected in some ways these last weeks. A sort of peacefulness that I my little one has laid over me. I have felt this way, yet I can't really explain it.

This is a big reason I haven't posted lately. I couldn't really find the words to describe my mood, my behaviors, my feelings, my thoughts. It's complicated, yet simple. Reese has started T-ball and the whole family has had a blast watching him get his time to shine finally. And I can't help but think what his little brother would be doing the whole time, too. It hurts to let those thoughts enter my mind, but makes me smile, too. And most of the time, whatever it is we are doing, I feel him there with us. He is in my peripherals everywhere we go. Like I can't focus on him, but I see him out of the corner of my eye. He's there. I know it. I just can't see him or touch him. But he's with us. Always.

Thank you to the many many people who love us and are sending us their thoughts and prayers this week. It's sad to see you hurt for us. I wish it wasn't so. But we have received gifts and blessings from those where were a part of Chase's life and those who weren't...and those on this journey with us. There is comfort in this tragedy. Somehow, we will heal from this. As tomorrow approaches and the rest of this week, we love each other with every breath we take. We feel Chase in our hearts and see him in our minds with everything we do. He will always be with us.