It's hard to believe we are a year out...not only of our tragedy....but moreso from Chase's birthday. He would be walking around by now.... following everybody all over the place....trying to get in on the action. Today I could nearly see him. The kids were all in the kitchen after school. At least 2 of them were talking to me at once. And for some reason, I could see Chase right there in the middle of them...or off to the side maybe. But definitely in the mix. And it never seems like a lot of kids now. Before we had Chase, I would have thought, "wow, 4 kids, that's alot". Not now. There is such a hole where he should be.
I was stricken with guilt today. I realized that he is not at the forefront of my mind when I'm running around busy in the day-to-day hustle. It's not like the other 3.... I don't feel guilty when I am busy with things and don't think about them all the time. Some days not until it's time to pick them up. THey are never far from my thoughts, as is Chase, but I don't feel guilty about it. Because I can see them and give them a squeeze and a kiss and tell them I love them. I can't do that with Chase. I talk to him. I told him I was sorry today for not thinking about him and promised him I would never forget him and that I missed him so terribly much. But it didn't make the guilt go away. I want him here so bad I can't stand it. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do anymore than I did the day he died. I do my best to steer clear of little ones....not because I want to....but because I don't know if I should or not. I'm afraid of what feelings would surface. Feelings I want only for Chase and am determined to save for him still.
How I wish you were here sweet boy. How I wish you could watch your big brother play his first season of Tball....and go fishing with daddy....and be read to by Emma...and fussed over by Karly. How I wish I could just hold you in my arms....
Loving you always,
Loving you always,