Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I keep talking about this acute sense of perspective. I remember when I used to "have it all in perpsective." It was drilled in to me in high, school, sports. In that order, though sports were sometimes moved up, thank you dad. That's a very generic list, but in order for my parents to send all 4 girls off to college on a slew of academic and athletic scholarships, that was the way it was. Friends, God, other things were also put in perspective, but it was these things that we needed to focus on that were so constantly drilled.

Needless to say, perspective changed in college....and then again after college....and then again when I got married.....and yet again when we had children.

And yet again.

What is important is so very clear to me right now. I used to drive by convenience stores and see the $170million jackpot sign and wonder what I would do if I won the lottery. I saw that sign today and I actually thought to myself, "I could care less about 170 million right now. It doesn't bring Chase back."

My sister emailed me this morning with a very upset email about an irate neighbor that is acting like an idiot and she is beyond frustration, very angry, very....well, to the point of exploding and I know how she feels. I've been there. I've been so upset by the actions of other people that I can't get it off of my mind. But that anger does nothing for me. I could care less what other people think, say or do about me right now. It doesn't have anything to do with, nor will it bring Chase back.

I have a perspective on life right now, that is so clear, I know I will never be the same. I know what I have, I know what I need and I know what it takes (for me) to be happy. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'll have pure happiness again, but I can be happy with my life. I am sad right now too, but I am happy with the things that matter. As I said in an earlier post, if I had Chase right now, I would be the most happiest girl in the world, I'd have everything I'd ever want.........but I wouldn't have the perspective I have right now. I would love and take care of my children with the greatest of my ability, but I don't know that I would not let the things bother me that shouldn't. Thank you, Chase Allen, for giving me that perspective. You have changed me, forever, son. I love you and miss you.

Karly's Show

Karly performed with her gymnastics group for us at the annual sock hop. She had both of her grandmas there to watch her. Chase would have loved it....just the start of being lugged around to all of the activities that are a part of our family life, with his being just around the corner. These times are fun but will forever have something missing.......a little something that was very special to us without a face for 9 months and finally when we had you in our midst for 3 short days. Your sister did a great job though, Chase. We are proud of you Karly! Awesome show!

Friday, May 15, 2009

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."
"The will of God will not take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

That’s really hard to hear/read….because chase was perfect, in my eyes. And even if he wasn’t perfect, he’s all I ever would have wanted ever anyway. I just want him, I don’t want anything better, even if that was possible. What In my life would require 1 of my kids to be taken away from me to give me something better? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m not looking for answers. I just don’t understand it. And I’m not sure I am feeling protected right now, by god. If I am, I am not seeing it. I’m feeling exposed, vulnerable and beaten.....but not protected by Him.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

a month

It's been a month. Already. Time keeps going and it seems so fast. I can't believe Chase would be a month old today. I feel like if he was here, in my arms (as he most likely would be 90% of the time) that I would be the happiest girl in the world. That in my present state if I just had him here, I would have no other worries, no other complaints, no sadness, NOTHING wrong in my life, it would be PERFECT. I've said it in my other posts, how I have a perfect family, I love them so much, perfect husband. But would my life be perfect. Really? Or would my life be normal and I would be complaining about SOMEthing, or something would be making me unhappy, or I'd be stressing out about SOMEthing?

It's this perspective I have right now. I feel like I HAD something so great coming to me. I had 3 healthy kids, 1 more healthy kid on the way, all the love in the world that I needed, a husband whom I loved and I knew loved me, maybe some financial problems to boot, but I was still *happy*. And going to be happier. But in 4 short days, it was taken away from me. My world was turned upside down. Things that used to stress me out or that I would complain about now seem pointless, mindless, I don't care. My family is all that matters and no longer will I worry about "things". I feel like I was so close to this level of happiness that seems so unattainable to me at this moment that I will never again take it for granted. My husband, my kids, our health, our family, those we love...that's all I need or ever want. But forevermore, I will be missing part of that equation, striving, searching, hoping for that happiness. We miss you little buddy. We all miss you so much.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I love my family

Today was a particularly tough day. I am confused, lost, not sure of much of anything. As I drove in to Albuquerque this morning I felt overwhelmed. So many memories, so many questions, so much sadness. I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. Everything that happened seemed such a blur that it just didn't seem real at first. Though it still doesn't seem real, reality is starting to settle in. And I miss Chase so badly I can't even begin to put it in words. Our family aches and is going to ache for a long time. We have a hole in our hearts that each of us knows will never go away and we have to learn how we are going to live with it. I can't move on. I don't want to. In a sense, it feels like life has been haulted. I can't continue like it was before. Things don't mean the same thing they used to. Things I used to think were important, aren't anymore.

The only thing I know to do is to live like I love life again. I love the fact that I have a husband whom I am so deeply in love with I can't live without. I love the fact that I have incredible kids that keep me going every day. I love the fact that I am not only wife and mom, but I am also their teacher and best friend, too. I want to be able to think of Chase with happy thoughts, not sad ones. I just thank god for my kids...because it is, for example, Karly's optimism that helps me think of Chase and *smile* rather than cry all the time, Reese's matter of factness that Chase "lost his spirit and went up to God", and Emma's determination to turn her unanswered questions and anger into energy that will help her swim faster. Each of us are trying to understand this in our own way. We have each other, though, and somehow we will get through this. There is too much love in our family for it to be any other way.