Sunday, December 13, 2009


Okay, I'm sort of in a quandry. It's really not a quandry because being faced with what we have been faced with, the question of whether or not to send out Christmas cards is nothing I'm going to waste much energy over. There are much more important know what I mean.
The question of whether or not to send Christmas cards to our traditional list weighs heavily on 2 things: a) who is on that list and b) what is on the card. I made a card on Snapfish that I thought looked really neat. But I made the card because of where I am at in my grieving. I am to a point where I want people to know about my Chase, people that I have not talked to, some for years, but I keep in touch with once a year through an exchange of holiday photos or cards. Having said that, I don't know how much I want to share and, let's face it, I don't really know that I want to or that I should or that I have anything to celebrate through a Christmas card greeting. Of course I have a lot to celebrate. But how can you celebrate when you are greiving? And sending out a Christmas card is kind of like celebrating the past year, right?
The card has a family snapshot taken earlier today at church, a couple snapshots that represent Chase and one of the kids by Chase's tree. I chose each snapshot for a specific reason, but almost no one receiving the card would be aware of what they symbolize. The card also has a letter on the back that I wrote. It is a generic note about our year, including the birth and loss of Chase and how it has affected us. In my opinion, it is an update with a slight philosophical twist to it. When I finished it, it was exactly what I wanted it to look like and say, but I really didn't know if I wanted to actually send it. I don't know if this makes any sense....
So I showed Patric, because of course, I wasn't going to send anything like this out without consulting him and making sure that I was not doing something he was not comfortable with. His thoughts were much the same as mine, as mentioned above. (I had been working this up in my mind for a few weeks now,while he had just had this placed in his lap.) His question was, probably for the general public, who wants to get a Christmas card that is all about our child who died? And why should or would I explain my child, such an intimate/personal experience, to people we never see? (most of our christmas card list is old, out of town friends and distant family) I totally agree. And what's more, I'm not sure how I'll feel about this when I wake up in the morning. But I wanted to blog about this in hopes that I would get some comments from those who are walking my my shoes. How do you feel about sending Christmas cards? Are you sending them out and if so, are you saying anything about your loss?
After talking to Patric, I realized I could just send a card with just our family snapshot. There is a flower arrangment with an ornament for Chase so, for me, Chase is in the photo. It also would have Chase's name on the card, of course. But I'm not sure if the reason I wanted to send Christmas cards out was to send the letter, too, or not. Maybe it was just healing for me, making the card and I don't need to go any further. And I feel a little bit weird sending out Christmas cards with us wearing smiles when my baby died just 7 months ago. But that is what I mean about where I am at in my grieving. I'm want to send a card, but I don't. I don't think I want to just send a family photo card, though, I think it's all or nothing.
As we well know, there is no rule book on what to do, no etticate and definitely no 'standard protocol' to follow. In cases like these, it's best to turn to those who have been there. So please, any ideas/comments/feelings relating to this hopefully will help me a little.


  1. Okay Christy here is my opinion: I have struggled with this too. I always use this time of year for a professional family photo shoot and that was hard for me this year because all of our family isn't here. I really wanted to include the girls in the pics somehow, but couldn't quite figure it out in time. So we took the photos and the photographer who is a friend of sorts also surprised me and took a picture of two leaves in the water. We photoshopped the girls names in and I am including this on the card. I also have a picture of all of our names on a flower that Sarah did for me so I am using that too. How about using Chase's name in the sand or another pic that represents him? I am also signing it with all of our names and in memory of our girls, Sophia & Ellie. So there is what I am doing. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense...I have been getting orders ready to ship all night!! xx

  2. I sent cards. but I am at a point in my grieving for our son where I just want everyone to know him. I've been showing his picture to everyone I can think of including people I don't know like the guy at the gas station. I don't know why but I find comfort in telling the story... in letting everyone know how much I miss him. I have found some incrdible support from people who I only send cards to once a year and have connected back to some that now I remember why they are still on my list. Good luck and best wishes to you. Merry Christmas to Chase and your whole family.

  3. I had the same questions you did. I wasnt sure how much info to include. My heart wanted to write his entire story and send that out but my mind was much like yours, who really wants to read that on Christmas. So in the end I decided that I would not send them out this year. *HUGS*

  4. I hear you. I wanted to send them last year because it was the only year that I could have his photo on the card. BUT...I only gave them to a few select people. I went from 200 to 20 or so. This year, I'm putting his name on the card but I'm only sending it to people that helped us with our "grieving" this past year. That's not very many people but I define friendship differently now. I don't need to mail out 200 cards to everyone I know. I do need to be loved and touched in tangible ways by people that I can call friends.

    You'll know what's right for you to do. You still have some time to figure it out. I would love to see it if you want to post it here!


  5. Christmas cards, much like anything else I can work on that reminds me of Bryson, I dive right in. Bryson being my first born, I couldn't resist including him in our Christmas card. It also helped that so many of my family and friends had asked for a copy of the picture I used on the card, so they get a copy of the picture and a Christmas card. My motto is to try and do whatever I can to have no regrets. Impossible I know but I try. I hope that whatever you decide, you have peace with it!

    You can see our card at:

  6. I decided against Christmas cards for the same reason I never sent thank you cards after the funeral...I don't want everyone to think I'm over it. I don't want them to think my holidays are cheerful because they aren't and I don't want anyone to have an excuse to try and rush me through my grief. You may be in a different place than me so do what's in your heart. Frankly, who cares what people want to read in a Christmas card. You don't get to have Christmas the way you want it so who would they be to judge how you get thru this tough time. Just a thought :) Let us know what you decide!

  7. As a friend, I would think that your sharing Chase would only be natural. He is part and parcel of who you and the family are. So yes, I would welcome a card sharing what you want about Chase because I love and cherish the whole of you. Blessings!--Dana

  8. I am fabulously late chiming in b/c I am behind on reading blogs. Big surprise. I follow too many. lol

    Ha! You letter sounds like mine! I stuffed it and stamped it and sent it out! ha! I wrote a little about Anth and I and my SD Hannah and my DD Kyndra and then I had a very long part about Carleigh and our journey with her. I did not include a family photo but a small photo collage of Carleigh created by Birni.

    So whether people like it or not they are gonna be bombarded with my dead baby in my Christmas card/letter

  9. Perhaps you should send it to the people who will get it and appreciate it...even if it is just a small few. That way at least you are sharing it.

    Your journey is tough and filled with heartache and loss...for that, I am sorry, for you and your family.