Let this be done...

I am ready for this trauma of Karly's accident to be over with. We went back to the dr. on Friday because I was worried about the oozing from her wound. The doc put Karly on some very high dose antibiotics and she has been so bravely drinking the worst smelling medicine I have ever seen. Sunday she was not feeling well and though I was pretty sure it was the antibiotics making her sick, I was paranoid about her wound not being well so after she registered a fever of 102+ at home, I decided we would go back to the ER to have it checked out.

The good news was they liked the wound and said it looked great so they took the stitches out. The bad news was Karly had what looked to be strep. For the love. What else does this kid need to damper her summer? We've been nursing that with double-dose ibu/pain reliever meds when she needs it. Ugh.

Then, like clockwork, Reese comes to me this morning with, "my throat hurts, I don't feel well. I'm going to lay down." Of course. Why would I think no one else would get this?

I'm tired of worrying. When Karly fell and had such a bad cut, I was scared. I felt my kids' mortality so acutely. Once again. Every time they get sick, I have "the worst" looming in the back of my mind because I know what it is like to lose a child. I wish I didn't, but I do, so those thoughts seem to surface whenever someone is ailing. But Karly fell and it happened so quick and it looked so awful and I couldn't believe we were dealing with what we had at hand. And I've been so worried about her arm and it healing that to have another, unrelated infection on top of it....I just don't need this! When Karly got sick I just didn't know what to do. And I was tired of not knowing what to do. I know what that feels like and then losing Chase--I didn't want to feel that way again. I finally broke down that morning with an overload of emotions feeling like a mother who can't take care of her own children. Like a failure. Of the worst kind. I was just tired, mostly, because of lack of sleep, but the burden of worry was making me more fatigued.

And now that Karly is almost halfway through her antibiotics, has her stitches out, and seemingly getting better, I feel another low blow knowing that Reese is coming down with her throat infection now and we are starting to battle this. Same bug, different kid.

I hate it when my kids are sick. Everybody does. Just those of us who know loss, seem to hate it a little bit more, almost on a level of paranoia.

Add this to my list of "things people say"

I wrote about Karly's fall last weekend and her bravery and courage for enduring the events that evening.  I wrote about how we talked about Chase and how he helped us through the ER visit and was there watching over us, taking care of us.

I went to the church where she fell the next day, with Karly, to tell them what happened and the (many) dangers of the sidewalk where it happened.  I was emotional and upset when it happened and the whole night through.  But by this time, I was not so angry anymore but merely needed to have this horrific obstacle removed from the sidewalk.  In my opinion, it was a hazard not only to the children but also the elderly, and for that matter anyone who could vouch for having tripped on a terrifically uneven sidewalk.  What happened to Karly happened, but I did not want it to happen again to anyone in my family or anyone at all.

The person we spoke to at church, however, was not so impressive.  He seemed genuinely relieved that Karly was okay, but made comments implying that children should not be running in this area.  Nevermind that ridiculous thought--this sidewalk is located between the day care playground and the parking for the parents who pick up their children from the day care.   He told Karly directly, in front of me and 2 other adults, that if she were attending church and would pray more often, this wouldn't have happened.  

{Gasp.}

He did say this as a joke, I am aware, but it was an uncomfortable laughter because it was a horrible joke.  I wondered if he knew he said this to a little girl who not only has more compassion than he does in his little finger but who lost her baby brother a year ago--a sweet boy who had to fight harder than this man will ever know for his fragile little life and lost that fight despite very specific prayers from thousands of people all over the world.

There were no words for this man.  Just a mission to remove a hazard....and the mission was accomplished.

This day

What a day.  And I can't remember a bit of it before 8pm.  I had taken the kids to help with Patric's youth group at the church and we had a great time.  We got back to the church to drop off some kids and mine wanted to run across to the road to the playground.  We were there for no more than 5 minutes.  I saw the kids running around the church on the sidewalk.  And I saw Karly crash and burn, not an unusual site for her.  She immediately got up and all three kids ran toward me and as they got nearer, they were only about 30 yards away to begin with, I could tell Karly was crying.  Then it's all just a rush....They were all talking.  Apparently she fell on some rocks and landed on the metal border that goes around the flower beds.  Karly showed me her arm and where I expected to see a minor scrap was a laceration about 2 cm wide, 8 cm long and down to her....well, I saw raw muscle I know that much.  I didn't think at all I just got the kids in teh car, told the adults were were going to the ER and raced about 200 yards down the street to the hospital.  It looked awful.  I have never seen a wound like that before.  And it was on my kid.  

I was back and forth between hysterically crying and calmly talking to the kids telling them everything was going to be alright.  Emma took care of Reese like a champ and waited with him in the waiting room while KJ and I went into triage.  To make a long story a little bit shorter, she ended up getting 15 stitches and Patric made it to the hospital from work, about 30 miles away, before the stitching started.  After the numbing shots, which were the worst part, but we were there together.  And Chase was there, too.  I could feel it.  Karly and I talked about him the whole time.  She was as scared as I've ever seen her.  She didn't want stitches at all but obviously this cut was leaving her no choice.  She kept telling me she couldn't do this.  She couldn't believe this was happening and she couldn't do this and she wanted to leave.  

But she did it.  With amazing strength and bravery.  She did it because she is a tough little girl who has been through far worse than most kids her age.  She did it because she knew her baby brother was there helping her through it.  I felt him there, too.  She did it because we were there to hold her hand through it and suffer through the pain until she was numb and couldn't feel anything.  And when you face what life throws you, this is what you must do.  She knows this.  She can do anything.  Because when we can't be there to hold her hand, Chase always will be and he has given her more strength than she realizes.  He has for all of us.

This day I feel him.  I am so blessed he is here to help us when we can't physically see or hear him.  He gives us strength we never knew we had.  I love you Chase.  

A new day

I have been visiting family a lot lately and having a much needed break from life in my small town. My little sis had her second baby and I got to hold him at just 8 days old. What a blessing. I had imagined many things anticipating this event and it was nothing I thought it would be. I feared it would be emotional, heartwrenching, and painful for me, probably because of my encounter with Faith. But it wasn't. Somehow Faith prepared me for this.  I was afraid I would only be able to see this new baby and feel what wasn't there. But I didn't. I was anxious for fear of loving this baby in a way that I wasn't supposed to or that was unhealthy. It wasn't that way at all.

I had the priveledge of holding my brand new baby nephew in my arms and seeing him for who he is....a piece of my baby sister and the newest member of her precious and growing family. I got to see her grow as a mom and see her daughter change into a big sister. I got to talk to her about our pregnancies and her trials as a new mother of 2. I spent priceless time with her and her children and got to share that with my kids. I never felt the sadness that I feared I would. I thought of my sweet Chase often, but I did not see him when I held my new nephew. I felt Chase's presence and his protective shield around me, but I did not feel sorrow for myself or my family. I watched my kids hold their new baby cousin and saw their smiles and shared their joy. My longing for my baby boy is something that will never fade away for me. But it doesn't take away from the many blessings that I see before me every day. My friend Carol put it this way: "...the sadness that we carry, the weight of that stone on my back, doesn't subtract from the happiness that I have now."

The hardest part about being around family is when everyone is together...from all the families. That is when I miss my little boy most and that is the hardest thing for people to understand. This hole will never be filled.....but we live with it and enjoy each day for what it brings.

More than what I was looking for

When I married Patric almost 12 years ago, I didn't just marry him, I married his family. A family who had no kids around, had only boys, and was living in the past (his state high school championship in '85 was relived in every conversation.). This was completely opposite of my family--ok, except for the high school glory days part. I only had sisters and my 2 youngest sisters were still in school and my older sister already had a baby. So we were breaking molds left and right in his family almost as soon as the ring was on my finger.

My mother-in-law, having reared two boys, and both of them having waited to start their own families, was very protective of her baby. I often felt like I was not good enough for their son, but this was mostly my insecurities (I promise!). I was extremely smitten with Patric and blissfully in love, but terribly insecure so I did not deal well with his family conversations which included the names of ex-girlfriends.

This all changed when we had little Emma Jeanne. Our firstborn, who took both her grandmothers' names and won everyone's hearts. Patric's mom had waited painfully long for a grandchild and to have a little girl in the family was icing on the cake. She hopped on a plane and visited us (not easy for someone scared of heights) just a couple weeks after Emma was born and spent several days with us. It was my first time spending real quality time with my mother-in-law and it changed our relationship forever. Shortly after returning home, she wrote us letters which I still have and cherish to this day. I was looking for these letters recently because Emma turned 10 and I intended to commemorate our mother/daughter-in-law relationship by sharing the words she had written to me so many years before.

I found the letters today and never expected to find what I did. The letter literally took my breath away when I read it this time. I had read it several times over the years, but this time it meant something different. I showed Patric and neither of us remembered the names we had chosen for the baby in the boy/girl scenario. I just remembered she was either Emma or Madison and it was really a toss up. I had completely forgotten about the boys' names.

It brought tears to my eyes to read this. Sobs, actually. But it made me feel so incredibly warm inside, too. That Emma could have been our little Chase and how much joy she has brought us....and then how much joy Chase has brought us. My MIL also wrote a letter to Emma at that time and in this letter, my MIL tells Emma:

"You do know, however, at this early age, the "feeling" of love as you are touched and talked to by people who love you more than anything else in this world! You've brought so much happiness already just by coming into this big ole' world!"

This warmed my heart, too. Because I knew that Chase, too, could feel just how much we loved him when he was born. Babies really do just know. He knew so much love while we were in the hospital...by all of us...near and far.

It is amazing, this life of ours. How things change, but really stay the same. I can look at not only Reese and see this little baby boy of ours, but now I can look at Emma, and think so many of the same things. And what is funny is that we really thought just as Karly & Reese look so much alike, that Emma & Chase were bound to as well. You are with us, little man, in so many different shapes and sizes. You are all around us. All the time.