Emma told me about a conversation she had on the bus ride home yesterday with the girl next to her. She said she told the little girl she liked her earings and the little girl said, "thanks." Then she started to talk to Emma and told her that her two brothers are sometimes just rotten to her and she can't stand it. Emma told the little girl that she's lucky because it's really harder to live without them and told her she lost one of her brothers. The little girl thought about it, told Emma she was sorry for her and said Emma was right.
I had a conversation tonight that I am not near as proud of, in fact I'm ashamed. I was talking to a mom I don't even know very well about our kids and their activities and I don't even remember how the conversation went in this direction but all I remember saying, and it keeps echoing in my mind over and over again, is "....we lost one in April." She acknowledged that she was aware of this and offered sympathy. I can't believe how emotionless I spoke. I can't believe how those words slipped out and I can't believe I was talking about my son. I must have sounded like a heartless, horrible mother. I am so completely ashamed of myself. It was like I knew I was going to say it and thought it would be the most "tactful" way to say it, but after I said it, I felt like it sounded like I was talking about a fricking dog. I hate myself for it. I can't believe I said that. I don't really care about the other mom, or how I sounded to her. I don't know her that well and I just don't care. But I feel so utterly rotten for having said something so careless about my son. He was here. He was real. He was our miracle...for the 4 days of his short life. And I feel like I just dismissed them. In one short brief, heartless sentence. And I can't take it back. Because there's no one here to take it back from. He's gone. And I'll never get him back. I'm sorry sweet Chase. I love you baby boy and I'm so sorry you're gone. I'm so, so sorry. I love you.
I had a conversation tonight that I am not near as proud of, in fact I'm ashamed. I was talking to a mom I don't even know very well about our kids and their activities and I don't even remember how the conversation went in this direction but all I remember saying, and it keeps echoing in my mind over and over again, is "....we lost one in April." She acknowledged that she was aware of this and offered sympathy. I can't believe how emotionless I spoke. I can't believe how those words slipped out and I can't believe I was talking about my son. I must have sounded like a heartless, horrible mother. I am so completely ashamed of myself. It was like I knew I was going to say it and thought it would be the most "tactful" way to say it, but after I said it, I felt like it sounded like I was talking about a fricking dog. I hate myself for it. I can't believe I said that. I don't really care about the other mom, or how I sounded to her. I don't know her that well and I just don't care. But I feel so utterly rotten for having said something so careless about my son. He was here. He was real. He was our miracle...for the 4 days of his short life. And I feel like I just dismissed them. In one short brief, heartless sentence. And I can't take it back. Because there's no one here to take it back from. He's gone. And I'll never get him back. I'm sorry sweet Chase. I love you baby boy and I'm so sorry you're gone. I'm so, so sorry. I love you.
