An emotional journey

Sometimes I forget.  I get so used to these kicks in my growing tummy and feeling them all throughout the day, every day, and I forget that I am the only one who has these constant reminders of this angel that is soon to be gracing our arms, our home, our hearts.  I spent the morning with Emma last Friday in the doctor's office waiting to have a terrible rash of hers  looked at, which turned out to be an allergy.  But I was grateful for the alone time we spent together.  We read, we talked, she watched some TV but mostly we talked.  She was very emotional and I thought this had maybe brought on or aggravated her rash, she was so emotional.  She wanted reassurance, or guarantee, that the baby was going to be fine.  And then she wanted just to talk about Chase.  She didn't want Chase to be forgotten when we brought this baby home.  Chase was/is her little brother.  He reminded us all of her and she was so proud of that.  This was very special to her and she didn't want that to ever go away....even though everything feels so distant the more time passes.   I tried to share with her my experience with this pregnancy....my reassurances, my signs from Chase, my peacefulness, the physical signs, the kicks, the messages that this baby was sending me.  These things I feel constantly.  I wish I could give her all those things that I have that help me feel peace, but I can't.  I put her hand on my tummy and she patiently waited and felt the baby kick and a glow instantly appeared on her face.  I told her that when this baby was born and when she held him in her arms the first time that her heart would heal in so many ways.  I promised her that Chase would be there with us to share that moment and to help her, too, feel that it was OK to love this new little baby like we so badly want to love him, Chase that is.  I want her to feel OK with these emotions like I do, but I forget what it's like to not have any thing to feel to remind me of Chase.  Because I feel him all the time around me with this new little one.  She asked me what if this baby looks a lot different from Chase, are we going to forget him?  I told her this baby needs his own identity.  But he is most certainly, in my opinion, a gift.  A gift that Chase has helped bring us.  And for this reason, Chase is always in our hearts and our minds when we prepare for and bring this baby home.  Which I am most positive that we will.  

But these are things we talk about.  I share my feelings with her in hopes that she, too, will feel some of the same things.  Because the pain is too close to think of this pregnancy any other way.  There are lots of things I am worried about and scared of but I strongly feel that we need to help ourselves get through this waiting part.  I can't even begin to explain how much I love feeling this baby kick me.  It is purely amazing when he is going crazy in there.  With the other 4 pregnancies, I never EVER thought of it the way I do now.  I never appreciated it or loved it or cherished all those movements and "totally bizarre" kicks.  They were just a part of being pregnant.  But now I absolutely adore them.  It is the coolest thing ever and I am so lucky to be carrying this little guy with me every day 24/7.  I can't imagine when he is born and I have to share him with Patric & the kids!  That's sometimes how I feel, honestly.  Not realistic, I know, but I love carrying him right now that much.  I love him that much.  And I can't wait until he is part of us....on the outside, too.  Thank you Chase.  You are my sweet angel, my sweet baby boy.  I love you so much.

It hurts to know so much

Last night I went to check on Karly and found her deep in thought about something while she was getting ready for bed.  I could tell she had something on her mind just by the way she was going about her business.  In fact, her mind was almost speaking out loud.  When I asked her what she was thinking about, she said, "Mom...(long pause) do you think the baby is going to be okay?"  I said, "Definitely, I do, honey."  And she started talking about her close friend at school whose mom just had a baby boy a couple weeks ago and how she wanted that so bad.  "Hope is just so lucky."

Yes, Hope is lucky.  But only you know how lucky she is, sweet girl.  Hope loves her new baby brother for sure, but she doesn't have the slightest idea how incredibly lucky she is.  And I wish you didn't know either, baby girl.  Karly said, "It's not fair, mom."  I know.  It most definitely is not fair, but you will get to hold this baby brother very soon.  "But mom I have to wait like 6 months or something and that is just so long."  Well, not quite that long but you get to feel him move in my tummy and talk to him and you'll get to hold him in your arms soon enough.  You just have to wait a little bit longer, honey.

This is the strangest thing about this pregnancy.  Not only for me, but for all of us, in some ways it seems like a continuation of Chase's pregnancy.  I don't know why it feels that way.  The time between Chase being born and getting pregnant again certainly was real.  It was painful.  And it was long (or so it seemed).  But now that I am pregnant and with big belly, it seems like I've been pregnant the whole time and we are still waiting for this baby to come out.  Why?  We all miss Chase and talk about him and ache for him daily.  It's not like he's still in my tummy at all.  I have heart-to-heart convos with Reese & Emma, too, about missing Chase and longing for this baby, but not wanting to forget Chase.  This feeling is odd and a struggle for us all.  But this is how we operate.  And, as tough as it is, we are making the most of it.  Loving our angel in heaven.....yet dreaming of holding our next one that is on his way to earth in due time.   

  

This day

What a day.  And I can't remember a bit of it before 8pm.  I had taken the kids to help with Patric's youth group at the church and we had a great time.  We got back to the church to drop off some kids and mine wanted to run across to the road to the playground.  We were there for no more than 5 minutes.  I saw the kids running around the church on the sidewalk.  And I saw Karly crash and burn, not an unusual site for her.  She immediately got up and all three kids ran toward me and as they got nearer, they were only about 30 yards away to begin with, I could tell Karly was crying.  Then it's all just a rush....They were all talking.  Apparently she fell on some rocks and landed on the metal border that goes around the flower beds.  Karly showed me her arm and where I expected to see a minor scrap was a laceration about 2 cm wide, 8 cm long and down to her....well, I saw raw muscle I know that much.  I didn't think at all I just got the kids in teh car, told the adults were were going to the ER and raced about 200 yards down the street to the hospital.  It looked awful.  I have never seen a wound like that before.  And it was on my kid.  

I was back and forth between hysterically crying and calmly talking to the kids telling them everything was going to be alright.  Emma took care of Reese like a champ and waited with him in the waiting room while KJ and I went into triage.  To make a long story a little bit shorter, she ended up getting 15 stitches and Patric made it to the hospital from work, about 30 miles away, before the stitching started.  After the numbing shots, which were the worst part, but we were there together.  And Chase was there, too.  I could feel it.  Karly and I talked about him the whole time.  She was as scared as I've ever seen her.  She didn't want stitches at all but obviously this cut was leaving her no choice.  She kept telling me she couldn't do this.  She couldn't believe this was happening and she couldn't do this and she wanted to leave.  

But she did it.  With amazing strength and bravery.  She did it because she is a tough little girl who has been through far worse than most kids her age.  She did it because she knew her baby brother was there helping her through it.  I felt him there, too.  She did it because we were there to hold her hand through it and suffer through the pain until she was numb and couldn't feel anything.  And when you face what life throws you, this is what you must do.  She knows this.  She can do anything.  Because when we can't be there to hold her hand, Chase always will be and he has given her more strength than she realizes.  He has for all of us.

This day I feel him.  I am so blessed he is here to help us when we can't physically see or hear him.  He gives us strength we never knew we had.  I love you Chase.