I don't feel like I'm growing up anymore. I am past that. Something clicked at that fucking 5-0 birthday that said it's time to be an adult now. My expectations grew and my tolerance level tanked. It's wreaked havoc on my marriage. And here I sit--dumbfounded at how I got here. Im at that moment where I'm looking in the mirror and not knowing who I see. Raising kids has always been such a big part of my life--the main part of my life-- and as the third one left for college, I found myself with time and questions. Time to think for myself and about myself. This is true to some extent as I have grown MORE worrisome for Emma and being so far away. But an overall sense of independence has never felt so good. My relationship with Owen has grown to a deeper level of love and with that, we hang out and give each other space in just the right amounts. I still do things for him and take care of him (of course he lets me) but I follow my own path now. I come and go as I like. I take long baths. I pee without getting interrupted. Things have changed so much!
But sadly, this newfound freedom has been felt in solitude. It's not something I share and celebrate with my husband like I thought I would when I wondered what this season of life would look like man years ago. We have grown apart. We have both changed and stayed the same but we don't know each other anymore either way. There are things deep blow the surface that have festered in me, and probably for him, too. But somewhere recently I think I summited this feeling and started my decent. Because I think I am numb. I am hurting but it's a dull ache mostly. Sharp pangs are fewer. There is no consensual effort being made to unite, let alone reunite. The more I want things to change, the more he wants them to stay the same or go back in time. That statement isn't even true but I'm leaving it there because it's what came to mind. I personally want the love and emotion to return from our early years of marriage and when we dated, but I want to live a life of middle age and empty nest together...experiencing things together and living life fully. And from my point of view, he has everything on hold until he has the right amount of money, the right credit score or the right number on the bathroom scale. I don't care a lick about any of those things and he has no idea. I want a relationship with him that is vulnerable, honest, respectful and fulfilling. And for some godforsaken reason that seams more unrealistic than winning the lottery at this point.
I'm not sure what to do. I"m not sure what I can do. We are both tied to each other because of our bank account, that's about it. It's the only thing we share these days. I will figure this (me) out. I won't allow myself to live less than happy. And happy does not have anything to do with money or material things. I wish he knew that.
To this I digress. I focus on me and who I am and who I want to be. I want adventure and purpose, loose on the purpose. I definitely want to explore and experience new things. That's my 2024. I just am both excited and scared what those new things will be...
