Welcome....,my baby boys....

I have great news.  I just did not ever feel the time was right to share it here.  This blog is about our life, our family.  But it has been, for so long, a place for me to grieve--to talk about Chase and what he means to us and how much we miss him.  Because that is what I needed this blog to be.  I see my friends here, hear from them here, share with them here, all of our feelings about missing our babies.  And I understand, now, how BLMs have so much trouble announcing their rainbow pregnancies.  There are so many conflicting emotions, and I have been blogging may way through them over here, if you are interested.  But it is time, now, to officially share our news....Enter....Pearson baby #5, due February 13th:

                                

I can't share this news, however, without including a picture of Chase, too.  He has to be on this post, right there with his little brother.  He is such a big part of this baby.  He is the reason this baby is here.  He has helped carry me this far through this pregnancy, no doubt.  But now there is a new little one to focus on, and that is hard to do, when you know all you really want to do is hold the one that should be here.  

I am so incredibly happy about this pregnancy.  I love this little guy already more than I ever thought possible.  With every kick, every swoosh I feel from him, I feel love.  I am normally not a peaceful, joyous pregnant person, but I have to say that I have enjoyed this pregnancy more with the perspective I have than I ever thought I would.  I have fears, of course.  I am scared out of my mind for what can happen.  But somehow, I have been at peace with all those concerns.  I have felt Chase carrying me, assuring me it's okay to be happy, not to be sad.  There are pangs of guilt, when I see toddlers his age or when I hold his clothes or things that his little brother will now wear instead of him.  But these feelings are overwhelmed by the love I feel for this little one, the joy I have, the anticipation of bringing him home and holding him.  

Saying these things, typing these words, I still painfully miss my little guy.  Even Emma said to me the other day....."Mom, I'm just not sure what I want more.  I really am excited for the baby, but I miss Chase and I don't know if I want the new baby or Chase more.  Because the new baby probably wouldn't be here if Chase was alive."  We all feel it.  The confusion.  The emotion.  The fear.   A million times I have imagined this baby in my arms, carrying him out of the hospital, taking him home.  But a part of me feels that there is a huge gap in there.  The emptiness; a void.  That something is missing in the middle of all this.  And how do you move on from that?  I used to wonder how I could move pass Chase and love a new baby.  How could a mother just move on like that?  It's not something I want to do.  And I don't feel entirely like I am moving on.  I feel like a part of my life stopped when Chase died.  It will always feel that way.  But there is not a bone in my body that won't and doesn't already love this new little baby.  And that is where Chase is helping me.  He is holding my hand & my heart this whole time, letting me know he is here with me, loving me and loving this baby, and that it is ok.  He knows how much I love him.  It is me that can't measure that, making it so hard to be okay with loving someone new now and physically giving that love to this baby instead of Chase.  But he is helping me with that and I am grateful for him.  

So this announcement isn't a typical "We're having a baby!" announcement.  It's more than that.  It's where we are with our grief, where we are with our "new normal."  And it's about Chase still being with us.  I feel in a way he is taking care of his little brother, they are somewhere in the same "place" right now.  And when the time is right, Chase will bring his brother into our world, to hold and love on.  Until then, however, I will love what I cannot hold, with every ounce of my broken heart.

Lotsa Pics

I uploaded a bunch of pics on the Slide show (above)....what we've been up to lately. Halloween festival, air show, soccer, river walks, Trick-or-Treat, and more Halloween. I could kick myself for not taking my camera with me today because we went to White Sands "on a whim" and had a blast. It was so quite and really pretty as the weather was perfect at about 70 deg. The contrast of the white sand and the blue sky is amazing and the mountains look purple in between it. We could hear the kids feet on the sand as they ran hundreds of yards away from us and to hear their tiny voices at such a distance was bizarre. Watching Reese run down the dunes with no one else in my view reminding me of my Little Prince and I wondered if he had all the answers. Some quality time with the huz was also in order...thanks, sweetie. I'll take an uninterrupted conversation anytime, anywhere.

Riding home as the sun set and the full moon rose above the horizon, I thought about Chase. I wondered what he looked like. My image of Reese at 6 months pops into mind and I long for that relationship again. At this age Reese's eyes seemed to focus only on me. He could spot me from across a room and would fixate on me....his eyes following my every move. There was no doubt who his favorite person was (or maybe he was just hungry all the time had something else on his mind!). I wonder if Chase would have needed me like that. Or maybe he would have gotten so much attention from his siblings that I would actually get to sit back and watch some of develpment instead of having it happen while I was holding him (it seemed that way with Reese, anyway!). I stared at the moon and I wondered if Chase was looking at the same moon, just a different angle. I read somewhere this weekend that maybe the stars aren't really stars at all but rather little windows to what is on the other side. And they are showing us all the joy that they are having up there watching over us. Maybe Chase is up there looking at us right now. I just wish I could see him. I miss him so much. We had fun, little man. But oh, what it could have been if you were here........