October Secret Garden Meeting

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It has been 6 1/2 months since we lost Chase. I still have a lot of the same feelings, most all of them, that I did a week after he died. I am still angry, lost, confused, bitter (maybe not as much now), sad, empty, broken, just sick. If I let myself, I could go right back to the moment it happened, or the funeral, or the burial, and have all those wicked, horirble feelings just like I was there again. I don't let myself, though. There are times that I just don't let myself think of because it is so awful. I guess because there are moments that I can think of to cover those up. Like the first moment I saw him and how I instantly (INSTANTLY) bonded with him. Or touching him in the NICU and spending that precious time with him. Or when the kids came in to see him and they were all so, so, so strong. Or when we all talk about him and wonder what he is doing now, or what or who he looks like, or what his likes and dislikes are. My thoughts are my choice, I figure. I can think about whatever I want to think about and I can turn them into good or bad (sad) thoughts. I am really trying to make the best of it.

I am doing well. Not great. Not terrible. Things could be better (the obvious), but they never will be. We still have our dreams. They are altered a little tiny bit, but we still have them. We are trying to decide what our family is going to be or become. We are forever learning how to live without a very important part of our family. I don't know if you ever figure that out. With the holidays approaching, I have thought a lot about our traditions...what the were, what they are going to be. The fact is that there is sadness, everywhere we go, everything we do surrounded by utter, complete, happiness. My family is the most awesome thing in the world. i am so lucky to be a part of it. They are wonderful. I love them and they love me. More than anything. It's so complicated to have so much joy in life yet to have sadness present all the time. I miss Chase...as an infant....and now as a 6-month-old. I miss him and the things he would be doing. All his firsts. But I also love what I have. I am so lucky to have what I have. So lucky. And thank you, Chase, if you had anything to do with that. I don't want to think that you did, but I also know that you did and love you for it. I want to think like Carly....Are you really gone? Or is it that we just can't see you?

Secret Garden September Meeting

The Secret Garden is a place for bereaved parents to go for comfort, sharing thoughts and feelings and reading of others' thoughts and feelings offering support and virtual hugs. Sophie, Hope & Carly very carefully pick the topic each month and post on the Secret Garden website and the rest is up to us. Here are my thoughts on September's topic...

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

Immediately after Chase's death, my family stepped up to the plate. In less than a day, two of my sisters showed up in the NICU. Patric & I had arrived only a few hours before. Friends arranged for our kids to be with us within hours of us asking the favor. My entire family arrived at my door about a day after Chase passed. I was so quickly surrounded by those whose hearts were breaking with ours and only wanted to be with us, in our presence to offer love and support. My house doesn't even hold that many but everyone piled in, no complaints, and I felt a level of protection that I have never felt before--completely surrounded by the people that love me most in this world. Though I was still in shock, physically and emotionally, from what happened and what was happening, I constantly had someone there with me taking care of me and the kids and Patric. I don't think I could have made it without that immense support. Though I know not everyone would want that....it was what I, we, needed.

As reality set in and time passed (after the first week) I needed answers. I read several hundreds of pages of medical reports from my records, the hospital records, Chase's records, the NICU's records....talked to doctors and nurses and friends....all to find out what happened to me and what happened to Chase. I needed something scientific to reason with what happened. I could not stand to listen to another "God's Plan" explanataion or "he was needed in heaven" story from people who had no idea what I was going through. This was certainly painful, but it was also therapeutic. I got (and still do) cold sweats and would shake when I asked people about the day I was in labor and the surgery and some times I would break down talking about it but it was part of my greiving process to talk it out. I went through seriuos trauma, not just a tragedy and this was all helping me get through it. I also had a very specific desire for those around me in my small town to know what happened since this was something that involved more than just us, but the doctor, himself, too. The magnitude of our loss is something that separates me from

many people I once called friends. The dismissal of it and that it even happened is something that I can't look past as I live with it every day of my life.

I developed several photos of Chase while he was in the NICU. This also became therapeutic I guess. I have just a few of him in Ruidoso and I only have a few of him with his eyes open. But I have my favorites and I have blown them up and hung them in my room or created different memory keepsakes with them. He is every where I look and not in the few photos I have up, but in the places he was supposed to be present, the cupboard that was supposed to hold his bottles, the bath that was supposed to be baby-friendly, the car that was supposed to hold his carseat, the sisters that were supposed to be holding him and brother that was supposed to be at home playing with him and the daddy that was supposed to holding him on his chest, not a new little puppy that has recently called our place home. And then I see him in the rainbows, the birds, the butterflies, the clouds, the mountains, the storms, the wind....everywhere.

I have always exercised and this has definitely helped me. However, every time I go on a run, my mind is replaying some episode of Chase's life with us. Sometimes this is good and sometimes I have to force myself to think about other things or concentrate on music. The support I have received from other bereaved parents has helped me tremendously. Writing to and reading about the daily struggles of other moms who feel the same as me has given me comfort in that I know others are on this same path I'm walking. When I think my thoughts are crazy or my emotions are out of hand and read a blog of another babyloss mom who feels the same exact way, I am comforted and know that I'm not the only one in this dark, lonely place. As every babyloss mom relates, I am grateful for that resource but I certainly wish that I never knew any of them.

My biggest comfort of all is also the most painful one and that is Chase. My focus is on my baby. I think of him when I'm sad. I think of him when I'm happy. He will never leave my heart, my mind, my soul.

August Secret Garden Meeting

The Secret Garden is "...our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. " The last Friday of each month questions are posted on the site for those of us who have suffered such grief to think about, write about, read the thoughts of others and post on our own blogs.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.Did you have it ready for them before they were born?If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?Did you pack it all away?What is your baby's room now?If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

I was about 27 weeks along when we prepared for our little one. Our master bedroom is pretty big and I had the crib in there when Reese was born and until he turned 3. We moved him into his own room where he finally slept in his own bed (he slept with us most of the time anyway) and when we did this, we put the crib away, figuring we'd get it back out when we needed it again. Only about 8 months passed and, yey!, it was time to get it out again. I had ordered bedding a couple weeks before so I was getting anxious to get it set up. We set up the dresser and crib and actually cleaned our entire bedroom. The kids were excited, I was excited, dad was excited. I had a few onesies and sleepers that I had kept from Reese that I had in the drawers. The kids and I painted canvases that matched the colors from the crib bedding and hung them above the crib. I looked at a glider/rocker but could not make the leap to actually buy it. About a month before I was due, I had started buying and receiving a few outfits and things here and there but I was always insistent upon not over-buying. I had done that in the past and did not want to have an over abundance of things in the drawer. I had even told my friends who threw me a baby shower that I only wanted diapers--I did not need other stuff because if it was a boy, I had it packed away from Reese's things and if it was a girl, I'd want to buy pink things anyway. There was something inside me that did not want to celebrate too early, either. Just because I had 2 (early) miscarriages and I just wasn't sure everything was going to be okay. I just wish I had understood the depth of what I was feeling. I was worried something might go wrong, but I had never considered death and what that was and what it would feel like and what it would mean. It was really strange and this is not the post to bring that up in!

Anyway, yes the room was completely ready. Down to the baby bath and baby lotion. Did I pack it all away.......No.

When I was transfered to Albuquerque (on Wednesday), the community reached out to us like we never expected. So many people were there to do whatever we needed whenever we needed it. To help with our kids, the house, anything. The kids stayed at my MIL's but Thursday we woke up and checked on Chase in teh NICU and I knew only ONE thing for certain: I wanted my kids, my living kids, in my presence, in my arms. I couldn't hold Chase, I needed them to hold to get me through this. I knew not what would happen with Chase, but I knew I needed the kids. Patric agreed and friends arranged to get them to us. The community continued to reach out....flowers, prayers, phone messages, hundreds of texts, even a messenger with money they collected for our expenses. Chase lived until Friday afternoon. News traveled fast and I don't remember exactly when, but Patric's mom told him that some friends had come into our house, stocked the fridge and freezer with food and removed the crib and all baby things. I was speechless. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to say. I didn't know anything at this point. I couldn't even grasp what I did know: my baby boy was gone. It took me all of about 10 minutes (really, I have absolutely no concept of time on that Friday afternoon) to decide that having the crib gone was most definitely NOT what I wanted. In fact, I wanted it back and I wanted it back now. To this day, I don't know what was done in my house, but when I walked in Saturday evening, my baby room-slash-master bedroom was exactly as I had left it. I was shocked. I was shocked that my friends would do that, that they would think that was what I wanted. But what impressed me more about my friends, was that they put it back. All of it. Just the way I had it and they did that for me. Out of love, out of friendship, out of compassion. No one knows how they will react when something like this happens to them. And no one knows how they will react when someone dear to them has this happen to them...whether it's a sister, a daughter, a cousin,, a friend. I am not mad that they did what they did. It was something that I don't think I would have done, but I've never been in their shoes. I've never wanted so badly to take away pain and hurt from someone's life that I will do anything to try to help. I am so blessed to have friends that care so much about me and my family. This is something I will never forget.

As for the future, I am planning on leaving the baby stuff out....for a while....I am not ready to put it away. I am not ready to say that I am ready to live without it. I hope and pray that it will be used again one day soon. And that in it will be another one of our little miracles.