A tough week...

It started out with a dream I had Monday night. I dreamt I had my confrontation with my Dr. and it was horrible. It was painful, I was sobbing and it was a very very unsettling dream. I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. I checked on all the kids, was worried about them for some reason. It was just an awful night.

Tuesday was a sad day. I don't know why really. Why this day in particular. I was just sad, maybe because of my rough night's sleep. I was just sad that Chase is not here with me doing all this stuff I do every day. I am making a video of Karly of old pictures and home movies--it's going to go in her "time capsule" at school--and the pictures of babies make me miss him so much. It's like seeing exactly what you are missing out on. And I miss baby Karly, too. She's all grown up and it's incredible how fast that happens.

Patric was planning on taking the kids to a youth meeting/praise singing/speaker night. I had no intention of going and was looking forward to getting some things done on the computer and around the house while they were all gone. At the last minute he asked me if I would go with him and pretty much wouldn't let me say no. I got ready and hoped the evening would go fast...for a few reasons.

After we ate, they started the band off with a prayer and the woman leading it said, among other things, "tonight will change someone's life here" and those words echoed in my head. I don't remember anything else she said and wondered how that could happen, mostly thinking about the adolescents around me but also thinking if that was possible for me.

The girls loved the music but Reese not so much so I went outside with him. We found his football in the car so he was suddenly a happy boy getting to run around outside and play. We were not alone...a young mother was out on the deck with her baby girl. I am a pretty good guess at babies ages, go figure, and expected her to be around one. Indeed, she turned one last Wednesday, her mom said. That would be 2 days after Chase's due date. I watched her wiggle in her mama's arms and my eyes started getting wet. I realized she was wiggling around so she could watch Reese and it made me smile and get sadder all at the same time. I asked her name and it was Faith. Hmm. Mom was just as cute as Faith was. I told her about the kids and wanted to tell her about Chase....but I didn't want to tell her about him because I didn't want to scare her. She is young and Faith is her first, I didn't want her to know about what can happen.

But then I asked if I could hold Faith. And I did. I was smiling through tears that wouldn't stop. It was so nice to hold her, she was as cute as a button. And I told her mom that Reese has a little angel brother the same age as Faith and I was sorry but couldn't keep my tears in this time. Having a one-year-old on my hip felt so natural. It felt like it was supposed to feel, but it didn't make me feel better about anything. It didn't make it easier, it didn't make any pain go away, it didn't make me think about Chase any less. It just felt right. I was so nervous about asking to hold the baby that I barely got a chance to enjoy it. I didn't know how I would act in this situation, though I had thought about it many times. I gave her back after just a couple minutes and I can hardly explain how I felt ... other than to say it felt like something was lifted from me. I felt clear of mind, fresh, new, okay with a lot of things--though I'm not sure of exactly what. I want Chase so badly, I will never feel differently about that. But I love babies, too. And it's okay to love babies even though Chase is not here. I don't feel guilty about that. I miss him, but I don't feel guilty and maybe I was afraid I would.

So I am thankful for the three kids I have in my arms. I am thankful for the one angel baby I have. And I am thankful that Faith's mom didn't think I was crazy for crying as I held her precious 1-year-old. I feel Chase around me all the time. I know he was there with me helping me through that moment and will be there for so many more.