Emotions...and places I won't go

I have rarely known emotions to have such a physical feeling until I lost Chase. Winning games, falling in love, getting married, I guess. But this is different. I can feel the dark cloud coming over me in my heart and when my head realizes this, it almost feels like a weight being laid on my back. Sometimes I try to meet it head on and work my way through it. Sometimes it overtakes me and I don't do anything about it but cry. Like every night I go to sleep. I thank Chase often, for showing me things about myself and Patric and the kids that I never knew before. Like how strong we all are or exactly how much love we have for each other. And also for teaching me about people and relationships and what a true friend really is. I can only imagine what he could have taught people along the way if he were here with on this earth.

So when I laid in bed last night, on my left side, I remembered Chase being there. Now I know him as Chase, but then, it was "baby". I thought it was so cool that I got to be with him all the time. It was so cool that he was attached to me....a part of me. A part of his daddy that I got to love, talk to, and hold whenever I wanted (not that I had a choice!). I think of that everytime I lay on my left side. And I feel him there. I wished I would have hugged him more, though maybe I did. He was so active and I had my hands on my belly most of the time. But now I want more. I was so lucky to carry him for those 9 months. I knew that then but I really know that now. I miss you so much I feel you, buddy. You are always a part of me, always, always with me....

***

I found my ultrasound pictures yesterday. They were from my 20 week appointment and there were several. In one of the profiles, his little arm is bent in front of his face at 90 degrees and it is so perfect and so big! You can actually see his muscles--he has little biceps and deltoids and it is so cute. After I found them, I kept looking. I looked in all sorts of hiding places (places I don't ever clean for some reason) for something. I don't know what I was looking for but I kept looking. I went through his dresser and his onesies are all there, most of them yellow but a few blue sports ones because my mom and my sisters knew he was a boy. I stared at his crib and all the cards, pictures, letters, books and momentos from his birth. Sometimes I read through them, sometimes I can't. I don't know what I was hoping to find. Something new, I guess. I don't want it to get old. I don't want to get used to the fact that I have a dead son. I want to keep something fresh. Something new. But I can't.

There are moments of his birth and his life and thereafter that I don't talk about to anyone, including myself. I don't write about it anywhere. And I don't really even let myself think about. I have read other babyloss mamas' words and have commented a few times about these moments or thoughts I have had, but I don't go there too deep. I have not felt ready and I am not sure when I will be. But reading their words makes me think that I will need to do that, too. Sometime. There are a lot of tears in those moments that I don't let myself recall. There is a lot of pain there. I don't want to go there yet I'm starting to feel that this is all I have left. There will be nothing more after that for me to "find" or learn about Chase. And I don't know what I will find talking, writing, or thinking about those moments. But one day, I'll be ready.

A good day

I have to write about this because I can't believe how good it made me feel...

Reese had a birthday party to go to so with Patric off on a day hunting trip, the rest of us piled into the car, Karly willing, Emma not-so. I won a very rare dressing fight with Reese when he pulled out from the depths of his dresser a pair of red polyester gym pants (for play) that were about 3 inches too short and a blue Old Navy rash guard (to wear with swim trunks) size 18-24 months. Sorry dude, not this time. After finally getting dressed, he was excited to go.

Anyway, most of the moms at the party are fairly close friends of mine so it was nice to spend the time visiting while the kids all played together. One of the other moms is pregnant, due in four weeks. I know her and have seen her since I had Chase so though I was not expecting to see her today, she is a really sweet person and it was nice to see her and talk preggo with her. I love talking about babies and pregnancies but these days, it has to be in the right or I usually don't open up. Typical pregancy topics came up and we were talking about being pregnant with girls versus being pregnant with boys. She doesn't know the sex (which I love) and so we were giving our "expert advice" on ways we could all tell the sex of our kids in hindsight. In one single statement I made in the group, I felt a warmth and comfort come over me that I haven't felt in a long time. I had made several comments about my pregnancies each time, with my living kids, carefully choosing my words. Then I blurted out something about being pregnant with the girls and then said, "and when I was pregnant with the boys...."

It rolled off my tongue and I absolutely loved saying it. It sounds so silly but it made me feel so good to say that....and be heard....and have it fit in with a normal conversation with everyone else....and pretend. For a split second. That I do have boys.

It's hard. So incredibly hard. To parent an angel baby. And I think where I was coming from with my last post was that I am feeling inadequate in loving my child. I can love him with all my heart until my dying day, which I do. I love him to the ends of this earth, to the moon and back, to all the stars and back. But I can't love him with my kisses. I can't love him with my hugs. I can't love him with my famous mommy touches....a look, a touch, a whisper, an all ecompassing band-aid that fixes every hurt or sadness that ever comes his way. And that is hard. I can't physically love him and I need to so incredibly bad. This is where the mind and the heart absolutely cannot make up for what the body can do. But I'm so glad I got to talk about you today to my friends. I'm so glad I got to share a bit about you and feel like a normal person for a moment. Because you deserve it. And so do I.

I love you Chase.

The Secret Garden Meeting

This is a writing exercise from The Secret Garden that I decided to participate in. The author of this blog has also experienced the loss of a child and has created a few blogs in an effort to provide a place for other grieving parents to find support in the journey we all are traveling.

How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not have them with you?

It really helped to read this entry for other moms because I feel like I have tried to imagine Chase as an angel in heaven. But because I really don't know for sure what my perception of heaven is, it is hard for me to accept Chase as an angel. Thanks to Carly, I can see him playing on Christian's beach one day with all their friends. But now, he is ony 3 months old and to me, he looks like a 3-month-old version of when he was born. Sometimes I sleep with my favorite photo of him and this is the image etched in my mind. I think of him being with us all the time...in the car, on the floor in the midst of his brother and sisters, in the crib, in our arms. There is not a moment in the day that he is not on my mind.

How did the loss of your pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of you subsequent pregnancy?

Again, after reading all kinds of material I have learned that I am not alone in wishing so bad I had a baby in my arms. I do want another baby, very, very badly. I also know, however, that I do not know for sure that we will have another baby. I think eventually we will try. But we went through a lot to get pregnant with Chase and only after those experiences did I feel so lucky to even be pregnant. I took it for granted--just like I took labor for granted. I don't trust the medical field like I used to. I doubt doctors like never before. I fear the rare diseases and abnormalities that happen during pregnancies. I was never one to love being pregnant so I was so looking forward to Chase being our last baby. At first I was scared about "starting over" with diapers and baby food and all that responsibility that a baby and toddler requires. However, our family was going to be complete and we were going to be ready to raise this last baby and move on in our "parenting lives". But now I feel completely different. I know that as much as I wanted all that before....now I need it more than ever. I will feel incomplete as a mother if I do not get to have another baby. That scares me because, like I said, I don't know if we will have anymore kids. Unfortunately, that is something I don't have total control over. But I will want to try, I do know for sure. By saying I feel incomplete as a mother does not in any sense of the word mean that I am unhappy. Or unfulfilled. I am very happy and am a very, very rich person because of this life that I have. My husband and my kids make me feel very special, very loved, very fulfilled. Not having Chase with us will always make me feel like we are missing out on something, that something is left out, that a piece of us is left behind. That part I will live with the rest of my life, I know. But the motherly instincts that were ready to kick in feel like they are all revved up and now have no where to go. I had so much love and attention that I was ready to devote to this new child and I didn't get to put it into action. I know my other kids have gotten a lot of it, but I needed to take care of a newborn to feel complete. And I know the kids feel this way, too, in some sense. They were so ready to welcome a new little sibling and help me take care of him/her that I feel like they were robbed just as we were. Karly was so very hungry for a new baby in her life that my heart breaks over and over again for her. I see the smile, the shear happiness on her face while she held her baby brother in the hospital just moments before he took his last breaths. She loves babies and rarely fails to notice a baby in the proximity, or the baby department in any store. I want this for our whole family, but again, it scares me. I think I am going to leave it up to "if it was meant to be, it was meant to be."

Nesting...

Well, I was busy this weekend. But we got a lot accomplished. Thanks to the help of my wonderful husband, I was able to get our bedroom cleaned immaculately (by my standards--we vacuumed under the bed and dressers even--that's pretty incredible for me) and prepared for baby. This is the most "nesting" I've done out of all my pregnancies I think. I have a completely different perspective this time around and am almost more excited than the last 3 times because I feel very lucky. I have been so very excited ever since I made it past my first trimester yet still I have been reluctant in some ways to prepare and "celebrate" the upcoming events. I guess it's away of protecting myself but the closer my due date gets, the more my wall is torn down. And it is fun! Reese was a part of the entire crib assembly and is very excited to bring a baby home. Even if it is a girl! (which "we don't need", according to him) Speaking of crib assembly, I've put together and taken down that thing by myself at least 3 times (probably more with our moves) but having all the extra help of my husband this time, it was like we had never done it before. The instructions were in a different language I guess becuase we struggled.....but in the end, it all worked out. I had wanted to paint the crib & changing table/hutch black and then distress it. After looking at this project closely, though, I'm not sure I could have tackled this task. Unless we can find osmeone else to do it for us (for less than the original cost of the furniture!) it looks like it'll stay honey brown. That's okay. This set has seen a lot of mileage and a lot of babytime. A lot of history, I guess you could say. Maybe the kids will paint it some day....who knows.

Anyway, I'm 13 weeks away from delivery and counting. Dr. Harkins says the baby is big so maybe will go early. Things are going very well and I feel pretty good. I wish I could share the experience with my sisters and my mom more in person but that's just not possible. I know at least one of them will give me a hard time about the oversized wedding picture above the crib, but I'd take it all just to be able to share.... However, photos, videos and phone calls will have to suffice until we get reunited this spring probably.

We are headed to a big swim meet this weekend and I'll be back to update you on the outcome. Emma has some big goals she's trying to achieve--and Karly, too. And Reese will be there to cheer them on! Here's to a great week!