Dates

When you have monumental moments in your life, you recognize dates.  Just the same as if these moments are tragedies.  And those dates are triggers.  When you see those dates, many thoughts come back.  For a long time after Chase died, every expiration date I read on groceries, medicine, frozen foods, mail packages....I referenced each of them to Chase.  Before or after.  Or on some occasions, the date was Chase's birthday, or his death date.  Or his due date.  For the last couple weeks, I have been seeing dates, thinking about those triggers.  Or hearing dates.  When I see or hear about something on or after February 11th, I think to myself, "is that going to be happy or sad for me?  Is that going to be before or after a tragedy?  How is our life going to be different at that time?"  I see that date a lot--it's on the milk cartons, the meat packages.  And I remember that feeling when Chase died.  I know I thought about it before he was born, too, and thought with excitement about how our life would be changed by that date and it would be so exciting.  I want to think the same now when I see February 11th, but those thoughts creep in and I wonder if my world will come crashing down by the time that milk is expired.  I don't make hair or dentist appointments, I don't sign up for baby emails, I don't do anything in advance of that date.  Because it is such a huge date for us that I need to let it get here.  If I anticipate it too much, I might be let down.  If I make plans afterward, I will remember that I set that appointment before......it happened.  

I know it sounds crazy.  As does much of what I blog about these last few weeks.  I guess it's just all those feelings and emotions that come along on this journey.  And most wouldn't understand.  But seeing these future dates have been bothering me for a while now....and there is nothing I can do about it.  Just get past it.  And of course I don't want to wish time away, because I have precious time on my hands right now.  Every day I am carrying this little boy is a gift.  I wouldn't give that up for the world.  But I know futures are uncertain.  And there is pain...just as there is happiness.  But I just don't know what is out there for us.  I know both sides....all too well.  And I don't want to see or hear another February 11th (or later) date, until I have mine.  And it is all good.

An emotional journey

Sometimes I forget.  I get so used to these kicks in my growing tummy and feeling them all throughout the day, every day, and I forget that I am the only one who has these constant reminders of this angel that is soon to be gracing our arms, our home, our hearts.  I spent the morning with Emma last Friday in the doctor's office waiting to have a terrible rash of hers  looked at, which turned out to be an allergy.  But I was grateful for the alone time we spent together.  We read, we talked, she watched some TV but mostly we talked.  She was very emotional and I thought this had maybe brought on or aggravated her rash, she was so emotional.  She wanted reassurance, or guarantee, that the baby was going to be fine.  And then she wanted just to talk about Chase.  She didn't want Chase to be forgotten when we brought this baby home.  Chase was/is her little brother.  He reminded us all of her and she was so proud of that.  This was very special to her and she didn't want that to ever go away....even though everything feels so distant the more time passes.   I tried to share with her my experience with this pregnancy....my reassurances, my signs from Chase, my peacefulness, the physical signs, the kicks, the messages that this baby was sending me.  These things I feel constantly.  I wish I could give her all those things that I have that help me feel peace, but I can't.  I put her hand on my tummy and she patiently waited and felt the baby kick and a glow instantly appeared on her face.  I told her that when this baby was born and when she held him in her arms the first time that her heart would heal in so many ways.  I promised her that Chase would be there with us to share that moment and to help her, too, feel that it was OK to love this new little baby like we so badly want to love him, Chase that is.  I want her to feel OK with these emotions like I do, but I forget what it's like to not have any thing to feel to remind me of Chase.  Because I feel him all the time around me with this new little one.  She asked me what if this baby looks a lot different from Chase, are we going to forget him?  I told her this baby needs his own identity.  But he is most certainly, in my opinion, a gift.  A gift that Chase has helped bring us.  And for this reason, Chase is always in our hearts and our minds when we prepare for and bring this baby home.  Which I am most positive that we will.  

But these are things we talk about.  I share my feelings with her in hopes that she, too, will feel some of the same things.  Because the pain is too close to think of this pregnancy any other way.  There are lots of things I am worried about and scared of but I strongly feel that we need to help ourselves get through this waiting part.  I can't even begin to explain how much I love feeling this baby kick me.  It is purely amazing when he is going crazy in there.  With the other 4 pregnancies, I never EVER thought of it the way I do now.  I never appreciated it or loved it or cherished all those movements and "totally bizarre" kicks.  They were just a part of being pregnant.  But now I absolutely adore them.  It is the coolest thing ever and I am so lucky to be carrying this little guy with me every day 24/7.  I can't imagine when he is born and I have to share him with Patric & the kids!  That's sometimes how I feel, honestly.  Not realistic, I know, but I love carrying him right now that much.  I love him that much.  And I can't wait until he is part of us....on the outside, too.  Thank you Chase.  You are my sweet angel, my sweet baby boy.  I love you so much.

It hurts to know so much

Last night I went to check on Karly and found her deep in thought about something while she was getting ready for bed.  I could tell she had something on her mind just by the way she was going about her business.  In fact, her mind was almost speaking out loud.  When I asked her what she was thinking about, she said, "Mom...(long pause) do you think the baby is going to be okay?"  I said, "Definitely, I do, honey."  And she started talking about her close friend at school whose mom just had a baby boy a couple weeks ago and how she wanted that so bad.  "Hope is just so lucky."

Yes, Hope is lucky.  But only you know how lucky she is, sweet girl.  Hope loves her new baby brother for sure, but she doesn't have the slightest idea how incredibly lucky she is.  And I wish you didn't know either, baby girl.  Karly said, "It's not fair, mom."  I know.  It most definitely is not fair, but you will get to hold this baby brother very soon.  "But mom I have to wait like 6 months or something and that is just so long."  Well, not quite that long but you get to feel him move in my tummy and talk to him and you'll get to hold him in your arms soon enough.  You just have to wait a little bit longer, honey.

This is the strangest thing about this pregnancy.  Not only for me, but for all of us, in some ways it seems like a continuation of Chase's pregnancy.  I don't know why it feels that way.  The time between Chase being born and getting pregnant again certainly was real.  It was painful.  And it was long (or so it seemed).  But now that I am pregnant and with big belly, it seems like I've been pregnant the whole time and we are still waiting for this baby to come out.  Why?  We all miss Chase and talk about him and ache for him daily.  It's not like he's still in my tummy at all.  I have heart-to-heart convos with Reese & Emma, too, about missing Chase and longing for this baby, but not wanting to forget Chase.  This feeling is odd and a struggle for us all.  But this is how we operate.  And, as tough as it is, we are making the most of it.  Loving our angel in heaven.....yet dreaming of holding our next one that is on his way to earth in due time.   

  

A new day

I have been visiting family a lot lately and having a much needed break from life in my small town. My little sis had her second baby and I got to hold him at just 8 days old. What a blessing. I had imagined many things anticipating this event and it was nothing I thought it would be. I feared it would be emotional, heartwrenching, and painful for me, probably because of my encounter with Faith. But it wasn't. Somehow Faith prepared me for this.  I was afraid I would only be able to see this new baby and feel what wasn't there. But I didn't. I was anxious for fear of loving this baby in a way that I wasn't supposed to or that was unhealthy. It wasn't that way at all.

I had the priveledge of holding my brand new baby nephew in my arms and seeing him for who he is....a piece of my baby sister and the newest member of her precious and growing family. I got to see her grow as a mom and see her daughter change into a big sister. I got to talk to her about our pregnancies and her trials as a new mother of 2. I spent priceless time with her and her children and got to share that with my kids. I never felt the sadness that I feared I would. I thought of my sweet Chase often, but I did not see him when I held my new nephew. I felt Chase's presence and his protective shield around me, but I did not feel sorrow for myself or my family. I watched my kids hold their new baby cousin and saw their smiles and shared their joy. My longing for my baby boy is something that will never fade away for me. But it doesn't take away from the many blessings that I see before me every day. My friend Carol put it this way: "...the sadness that we carry, the weight of that stone on my back, doesn't subtract from the happiness that I have now."

The hardest part about being around family is when everyone is together...from all the families. That is when I miss my little boy most and that is the hardest thing for people to understand. This hole will never be filled.....but we live with it and enjoy each day for what it brings.

Can't Let Go....the ugly side of grief

During a very cathartic, blood vessel-popping workout, I listened to this song...several times. I'm dripping in sweat and tears & high on endorphins and am writing this down because I've had this in my head for 10 months now and never said it. There is so much of this song that says it for me. I know what this song was written for but when I listen to the words, so many of them are mine. Because I'm not ready. I can't let go of the issues I have with him for letting my delivery happen the way it did.

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I'm so mad and I can't let this go. Be it in a court of law or in the back alley, I need the closure that I don't know if I will ever get. I need to ask him why he did what he did and didn't do what he didn't do. I need to know what he was thinking and why he told me not to tell anyone what he did. I can't let this go. I see his wife and though I have conversations played out in my head with her, I can't let that go, either. She didn't do this, no, but maybe she shares his secret. Maybe he has been honest with her. Maybe he has told her something that I need to know.(Edited to add:) But no one understands this....why I can't treat her like nothing happened...why seeing her makes me feel the way it does...why I am so hurt by the sight, mention, or someone's interaction with her...why I have a problem with her at all. And to tell you the truth, I don't know why, either...but have him be the cause of your son's death and then tell me how you feel about it. Then try to justify your feelings to everyone else.

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round

I would trade Tim's last breath for one more day, hour, minute or second with my son and wouldn't think twice. But that's only because this didn't have to happen. There are accidents that happen and there are accidents that don't need to happen. I tell my kids this all the time.

He could have actually considered that something might have need to be checked out....all that blood for 13+ hours. He could have actually considered that he might have made a mistake and caused this bleed. He could have actually considered the fact that I had concerns....more than just a worried pregnant mom. But he didn't. He didn't take any precautions. He assumed he was right. And he assumed everything was fine. And he didn't check into any of the things I so desperately needed him to and asked him to. He ignored my feelings.....as I had come accustomed to by this time. His conceit is known by all, but only we suffer because of it.

It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her

Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

My emotions towards this man have transcended to my daughters. Without directly telling them, they know clearly how we feel about Dr. Harkins, despite our very close friendship once upon a time. He did not come to Chase's funeral, nor did his wife. As I lay on his operating table, he told me to tell him what I felt. And I screamed from the moment his knife touched me until I slipped into la-la land; his nurse laying her body on my chest to hold me down. The fear that raced through my veins...the fear that I was going to die....that I would leave my 3 lovely angels motherless....is forever seared in my memory. He came into my hospital room sobbing after I came out of recovery. He mumbled, "I'm so sorry" and that's it. I don't know what he was sorry about. I don't know what he was thinking or what he felt. I was in shock. I was still scared about my own life. I had no idea what was in store for my newborn son. And I never got the chance that I so badly want, to ask him about these things. To question him. To close this chapter and move on. And I doubt I ever will. It's not right. Not right in anyone's eyes....

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Edited: Gray area above.