An emotional journey

Sometimes I forget.  I get so used to these kicks in my growing tummy and feeling them all throughout the day, every day, and I forget that I am the only one who has these constant reminders of this angel that is soon to be gracing our arms, our home, our hearts.  I spent the morning with Emma last Friday in the doctor's office waiting to have a terrible rash of hers  looked at, which turned out to be an allergy.  But I was grateful for the alone time we spent together.  We read, we talked, she watched some TV but mostly we talked.  She was very emotional and I thought this had maybe brought on or aggravated her rash, she was so emotional.  She wanted reassurance, or guarantee, that the baby was going to be fine.  And then she wanted just to talk about Chase.  She didn't want Chase to be forgotten when we brought this baby home.  Chase was/is her little brother.  He reminded us all of her and she was so proud of that.  This was very special to her and she didn't want that to ever go away....even though everything feels so distant the more time passes.   I tried to share with her my experience with this pregnancy....my reassurances, my signs from Chase, my peacefulness, the physical signs, the kicks, the messages that this baby was sending me.  These things I feel constantly.  I wish I could give her all those things that I have that help me feel peace, but I can't.  I put her hand on my tummy and she patiently waited and felt the baby kick and a glow instantly appeared on her face.  I told her that when this baby was born and when she held him in her arms the first time that her heart would heal in so many ways.  I promised her that Chase would be there with us to share that moment and to help her, too, feel that it was OK to love this new little baby like we so badly want to love him, Chase that is.  I want her to feel OK with these emotions like I do, but I forget what it's like to not have any thing to feel to remind me of Chase.  Because I feel him all the time around me with this new little one.  She asked me what if this baby looks a lot different from Chase, are we going to forget him?  I told her this baby needs his own identity.  But he is most certainly, in my opinion, a gift.  A gift that Chase has helped bring us.  And for this reason, Chase is always in our hearts and our minds when we prepare for and bring this baby home.  Which I am most positive that we will.  

But these are things we talk about.  I share my feelings with her in hopes that she, too, will feel some of the same things.  Because the pain is too close to think of this pregnancy any other way.  There are lots of things I am worried about and scared of but I strongly feel that we need to help ourselves get through this waiting part.  I can't even begin to explain how much I love feeling this baby kick me.  It is purely amazing when he is going crazy in there.  With the other 4 pregnancies, I never EVER thought of it the way I do now.  I never appreciated it or loved it or cherished all those movements and "totally bizarre" kicks.  They were just a part of being pregnant.  But now I absolutely adore them.  It is the coolest thing ever and I am so lucky to be carrying this little guy with me every day 24/7.  I can't imagine when he is born and I have to share him with Patric & the kids!  That's sometimes how I feel, honestly.  Not realistic, I know, but I love carrying him right now that much.  I love him that much.  And I can't wait until he is part of us....on the outside, too.  Thank you Chase.  You are my sweet angel, my sweet baby boy.  I love you so much.

Real Life

I know how hard it is to parent a child in heaven.  But sometimes I forget how hard it is to be a sibling to one.  Last night the kids were at the table doing their homework and Emma brought in a package that had arrived from gramma.  She opened the box and gave everyone their little goodies that gramma had sent.  There was something for everyone....mom, dad, the three of them, and the new baby.  And she was not happy.  After a lot of prying and a couple threats (which I am not proud of), she spilled her feelings to me.  She was upset that gramma had not sent anything for Chase.  She was afraid that Chase was being forgotten and I could see it in her eyes as her tears began to flow, that this terrified her.  She was happy that everyone including the baby had a present in the box, but nothing in there for Chase meant he was forgotten, to her.  I explained to her that I didn't like the idea of buying things all the time for Chase as we have a big collection of memories and keepsakes for him and adding more things to that collection, is not something I wanted to deal with anyway.  She insisted that it didn't have to be a lot, maybe a photo of him or a letter or note to him.  She just wanted recognition of her little brother.  That's all.  Acknowledgement that he is part of our family and always will be even though he isn't here in our presence.  I grabbed her and hugged her and told her that we were not forgetting about him.  I told her we talk about him all the time and we will talk about him to his little brother every time we hold him and play with him and that this was her job, too. She knows that we do that....she told me that whenever her friends at school ask how many there are in her family, she tells them "7: me, Karly, Reese, Chase, the new baby, mom and dad."  She said she doesn't explain what happened to Chase unless they ask.  But she wants to say and hear his name to know that he is remembered by all and is a part of all our lives.  It hurts not to feel this confirmation.  

Since we were having this conversation and I was including the other two in it as well, Reese got a real sad look on his face and said to me, "I really hope we get to bring this baby home, mom."  I told him that we most definitely will and then he said to me with raised up sad eyebrows, "Mom, do you have a different doctor this time?"  I said, "Yes, baby, I do and you are gonna love her.  She is very nice and is taking very good care of me."  To that, he replied, "Good."

Woah.  I looked at each of the kids and my heart felt so incredibly heavy.  I could see and feel their pain, their worry, their fears and I wanted nothing more than to make it all go away.  But I know I can't.  I know that, like me and Patric, through all their excitement for their newest little brother and their anticipation for taking care of him and loving on him, they are scared to the very core that this, too, will be taken away.  It's like we are all standing here, tightening our guts, just waiting for someone to punch us there again.  Because they, too, really just want Chase back.  And it's this sadness and longing that makes the rainbow very hard to see, at times, through the dark and heavy clouds in our sky above us.

Welcome....,my baby boys....

I have great news.  I just did not ever feel the time was right to share it here.  This blog is about our life, our family.  But it has been, for so long, a place for me to grieve--to talk about Chase and what he means to us and how much we miss him.  Because that is what I needed this blog to be.  I see my friends here, hear from them here, share with them here, all of our feelings about missing our babies.  And I understand, now, how BLMs have so much trouble announcing their rainbow pregnancies.  There are so many conflicting emotions, and I have been blogging may way through them over here, if you are interested.  But it is time, now, to officially share our news....Enter....Pearson baby #5, due February 13th:

                                

I can't share this news, however, without including a picture of Chase, too.  He has to be on this post, right there with his little brother.  He is such a big part of this baby.  He is the reason this baby is here.  He has helped carry me this far through this pregnancy, no doubt.  But now there is a new little one to focus on, and that is hard to do, when you know all you really want to do is hold the one that should be here.  

I am so incredibly happy about this pregnancy.  I love this little guy already more than I ever thought possible.  With every kick, every swoosh I feel from him, I feel love.  I am normally not a peaceful, joyous pregnant person, but I have to say that I have enjoyed this pregnancy more with the perspective I have than I ever thought I would.  I have fears, of course.  I am scared out of my mind for what can happen.  But somehow, I have been at peace with all those concerns.  I have felt Chase carrying me, assuring me it's okay to be happy, not to be sad.  There are pangs of guilt, when I see toddlers his age or when I hold his clothes or things that his little brother will now wear instead of him.  But these feelings are overwhelmed by the love I feel for this little one, the joy I have, the anticipation of bringing him home and holding him.  

Saying these things, typing these words, I still painfully miss my little guy.  Even Emma said to me the other day....."Mom, I'm just not sure what I want more.  I really am excited for the baby, but I miss Chase and I don't know if I want the new baby or Chase more.  Because the new baby probably wouldn't be here if Chase was alive."  We all feel it.  The confusion.  The emotion.  The fear.   A million times I have imagined this baby in my arms, carrying him out of the hospital, taking him home.  But a part of me feels that there is a huge gap in there.  The emptiness; a void.  That something is missing in the middle of all this.  And how do you move on from that?  I used to wonder how I could move pass Chase and love a new baby.  How could a mother just move on like that?  It's not something I want to do.  And I don't feel entirely like I am moving on.  I feel like a part of my life stopped when Chase died.  It will always feel that way.  But there is not a bone in my body that won't and doesn't already love this new little baby.  And that is where Chase is helping me.  He is holding my hand & my heart this whole time, letting me know he is here with me, loving me and loving this baby, and that it is ok.  He knows how much I love him.  It is me that can't measure that, making it so hard to be okay with loving someone new now and physically giving that love to this baby instead of Chase.  But he is helping me with that and I am grateful for him.  

So this announcement isn't a typical "We're having a baby!" announcement.  It's more than that.  It's where we are with our grief, where we are with our "new normal."  And it's about Chase still being with us.  I feel in a way he is taking care of his little brother, they are somewhere in the same "place" right now.  And when the time is right, Chase will bring his brother into our world, to hold and love on.  Until then, however, I will love what I cannot hold, with every ounce of my broken heart.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader...

I woke up feeling off today.  Not like anything is wrong, health-wise at least, just off key.  Out of balance.  Not balance like I have too much of one thing to do and not enough of another thing....out of balance....with the universe, or something like that.  I was a little concerned feeling this way, and then we had my 5th grader's literature assignment.

She read a little story by Leo Tolstoy, a Russian author for those of you who have ever heard of him, of works like War and Peace.  It's called The Three Questions and is about this king who is looking for someone to answer three questions for him:  1) Who is most important person to you? 2) When is the right time to do something? and 3) What is the most important thing to do?  

Wow, when I read that, I thought, "man, could that be any more precise than if I wrote them myself?"  I/we have been struggling with #2 & #3 pretty adamantly lately.  When raising a family, these are very common questions we as parents ask.  And if we knew the answer....if we only knew the answer.  

Well the king was determined to find the answers.  And when he didn't get them from his people, he left to seek out an old wise man to help him.  (This was too familiar and freaky to me because feeling so off-kilter this morning I had a passing thought while I was eating breakfast that maybe I should talk to a psychic.)  He took off his cloak and his crown and left them at his horse and walked up to the hut of an old hermit.  This wise old hermit was busy digging holes in his garden and would not answer his questions, though, so the king took the shovel and began digging for him.  He finished digging the holes and then asked the questions of the hermit again and no answer.  Then a man came running at them with blood coming from his chest and his hand covering a wound and the king stopped the bleeding and took care of the man until he fell asleep.  The king himself was so tired he, too fell asleep. 

The next day the injured man woke up and told the king to forgive him but the king had nothing to forgive him for.  Turns out the man had set out to kill the king because his brother had been killed and he could no longer afford the taxes so he had followed the king into the forest but got caught instead by some knights who attacked him.  The king, however, this deed unbeknownst to him, took care of him and saved his life. 

So the king then asks the hermit again why he won't answer his questions and the hermit tells him that the king has answered the questions himself already.

I'll skip a short explanation here and end the story with the last paragraph:

"Remember then: there is only one important time---Now.  It is important because it is the only time when we are masters of ourselves.  And the most important man is he with whom you are, for no one can know whether or not he will ever have dealings with any other man.  And the most important thing to do is to do good to him, since it is for that purpose alone that man was sent into his life."

 Somehow this story put some balance back into me.  I can hardly explain it, but having this discussion with my daughters about what this story means to me, at my ripe old age, helped me teach a lesson to them that I really felt was meant for me.  And hearing them repeat the lesson to me in their own words was priceless to me.  Now to grasp this is a whole new level of learning.  Because I never thought I'd be searching for these answers at this point in my life.  But I know that what matters is the present time.  And whether we are by ourselves or with someone, we must give that person our best of who we are because we never know if we'll get another moment with them or ever meet them again or what their story is.  It's not everyday that I wake up excited to teach homeschool, I'll be honest.  And today was one of them.  But I am so glad I got to be a part of this lesson.  This lesson I will continue to learn, the rest of my life.

Wise beyond her years....

We had a crazy morning. Actually, it didn't start out too crazy, but it was one of those that got away from us and we were scrambling at the end. The girls got up, different times, had breakfast while I showered. One got dressed, the other wasn't finished yet when I got out. I made their lunches, got dressed and fixed hair and it was time to go. Only Emma didn't have her "stuff" together. She had her homework done, just not put in her backpack and she knew she had swim today but she didn't have her things packed in her bag. And she couldn't find them, either. (I hope this sounds familiar to at least a few of you reading this...) As 8:00 arrives, our scheduled time to leave the house, the girls are not ready and I start to get a little extra demanding (does that sound not TOO mean?). Karly, who was all ready with everything except her shoes at 7:00 am, doesn't have, guess what, her shoes on and can't find them, either. When I say, "Find Them," rather harshly, she throws me some dagger looks and I get mad. She is the queen of dirty looks (yes, the princess I wrote about in my last post). So I decided to call her on this and told her that when she gives me those "nasty" looks, it makes me feel the same as if she was calling me mean names or something. I asked her to not do that. She said she was "having a bad morning" so I told her to tell me that, not give me those looks, and I'd help her. Anyway, we made up and obstacle #1 was behind us.

Now for the whammy. I am all over Emma for not having her school stuff ready and messing around wasting time, making us late for school. I tell her there are consequences for this, from the school, not just me and she needs to be responsible. She needs to have her cap, goggles and swim suit packed the night before, along with all of her homework so we don't have to go through this in the morning. I ask her if she can be responsible. She says, "Yes" and I can tell she knows she messed up. But then she says, "mom, do you get mad at me when you are angry about Chase?" Ouch. Crap--not what I wanted to send her off to school with....in about 3 minutes. I told her absolutely not (I hope so) and that I am always angry about Chase and will be, in some respect, the rest of my life. But I told her that she is what keeps me going every day. Because of her, (and her siblings, and her dad), I can make it through the day, even though I miss Chase so much. Without her, I tell her, I couldn't do it. I need her. I tell her I'm sorry that I got mad at her, but even though I am sad about Chase, I still have to be her mom and I still have to teach her to be responsible and that is what I'm trying to do. I gave her a big hug, wiped her tears, told her how much I loved her and walked her into school. We joked about a few things and she had a smile on when she walked into the classroom.

Ugh. She is one amazing kid. I talked to her teacher briefly when she walked to her desk and told her a little about our morning....and our lives. EJ was all okay when she went in. But it doesn't change the fact of what she's been through and what she knows and how she hurts, too. She has an awesome teacher who is very in tune to her and is aware of how special of a kid she is. I can't even begin to explain to my daughter what she means to me. But I can try to show her every day, while I'm still being mom, too.