Christmas morning....

Oh my!  We are ready!  MOre than ready!  Owen is just waking up....which means the house will soon be moving, rustling... crazy!  And I can't wait!  The kids are so excited.  And it is definitely a joint effort.  THey have been monitoring Santa's progress diligently and went to bed as soon as they could get done with all their last minute duties.  Their Christmas cookies for Santa are adorable! 

I can't believe this is the 14th Christmas I have spent with Patric.  The 12th Christmas as a mommy (or soon-to-be mommy!), our first Christmas in Colorado.....and our third Christmas without Chase.  Time certainly travels fast.  The road has been bumpy.  The highs have been pretty high and the lows have been as low as they can get.  This is the first Christmas in 6 years we have been able to make it what we wanted to and even shop for each other!   Because even though money doesn't affect the kids' Christmases, it does ours.  In ways only a parent would understand.  But we've come a long way.....the packages are plentiful.  The tree is lit.  (Soon!) the ham will be in the oven.  The stockings will be animated first, then the presents. We will eat breakfast eventually.  We'll play with our toys.  We'll talk to grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins.   (I have to add this!--We'll even get texts from friends!)  We'll eat our Christmas meal together and play some more, probably watch football and maybe even get a nap in today.  It sounds like a perfect day....and it will be pretty close.  

But the truth is, no matter how happy and perfect any day or any moment in our lives is....it's always got a little bit of sadness hovering over it.   Our hearts, though very, very full, still have a hole in them.  Our third Christmas without Chase.  I can't believe it.  I play in my mind what he would be doing today.  How busy he would be.  Who he looks like.  WHat he would wear, what he would eat, what he would be doing.  I miss him so much.  It hurts...even at the happiest moments.  It's always there...because he isn't.

And that's all I get.  Owen is now awake and tugging at me with a very wet (leaking) diaper.  I need to add that he touched a hot oven yesterday and burnt two fingers pretty bad......just what we needed on Christmas eve.  But I was able to evade the ER after calling the nurse and being reassured that he was just hurting really bad, and, in fact, not going to die.  He seems to be over it now!  Sure didn't help things last night--made things stressful.  But we are headed downstairs. Merry Christmas everyone!

The Winner...

Thank you all to entered my giveaway this year.  I met so many new mamas that I plan on following--a few had 10-month old rainbows so we have something extra in common.  This is the kind of support that this community offers:  the feeling that you are never alone.  There is someone out there that is suffering very much like you and can relate more than you ever wish they could.  But this comfort helps us make it through the tough times.  And from reading everyone's "scores", I can only offer words of encouragement this holiday season.  You are not alone.  The holidays are tough for everyone.  Some of you will have a 10 Christmas morning.  Some are in a place where you are a 2 on Christmas morning.  No one is judged.  Everyone's feelings are validated.  Hang in there.  I wish for you peace this Christmas and joy....in any form.  Maybe a bright star you see in the sky, a tiny bird alone in a tree, a crisp breeze that kisses your cheek.  Our babies are there....everywhere....don't ever doubt that.  May this Christmas bring memories that make you smile.

Now for the winner......number 17, Jaime from Butterflies and Rainbows.  Please email me or leave me your address in a comment field, Jaime, and I'll get this sent out to you toward the end of next week. Thanks again for stopping by!

25 Days of Giveaways

Thank you to Tina for organizing this blog giveaway that has helped so many people make it through a very difficult holiday season without some very important little ones in our lives.    This year I found this wood plaque with a saying on it that really touches me and hopefully it will you, too.  I like having things like this around the house that are mindful of our little boy who left us too soon.  It's a nice thought to have, in my opinion, anyway.  Please leave a comment giving me a score of 1-10, 10 being the saddest or worst, how you are doing this holiday.   I'd say I'm a 4...but Christmas morning I anticipate more like a 6 probably.  Which is a big leap from the 10 I felt my first Christmas without Chase.  I hope you will be honest and I hope you will find comfort in the other baby loss comments and blogs you are reading.  This is truly an amazing community that we all belong to and if it hasn't already, it will help you in your journey, I promise.  Thank you for sharing this with me....

  I will draw the winner tomorrow nite.  Good luck and I wish you all peace, love and happiness this holiday season.

Lucky

Sometimes I feel blessed but not lucky.  Sometimes I feel lucky and don't know what all my blessings actually are....

I was talking to a fellow BLM and dear sweet friend the other day on the phone.  She is a little bit farther along on this journey than I am and I have looked to her for some specific help on mine.  She has supported me in ways more than she will ever know.  And hopefully I have given her the support she needs and comfort when it is not coming from anywhere else.  I know a lot of what she is feeling and she knows the same for me.

Almost.

This is her fourth Christmas without her angel baby and my third and we were talking about the struggles we encounter during the holidays....the tears at the drop of a hat....the traditions that are happy but sad....the acknowledgement of our babies that is and isn't there and how to acknowledge them...still.  I was telling her how it has been killing me the last few months whenever I see Chase's photos around the house--and I see them All.The.Time.  They are everywhere.  Not huge photos but little tiny "reminders" posted in about every room.  Our bedroom, my bathroom counter, the office, the kids' rooms, the refrigerator door.  The one on the refrigerator door is one my daughter put there this summer--a magnet that was in her school locker last year.  Its of her holding her baby brother.  The photo is a snapshot in time--a moment in time that is dreadfully painful.  And whenever I see that photo, I feel on the edge of a very high cliff....one that if I am not careful I'll slip and fall right off of.  Those moments were so dark in my memory.  So very tragic and so very very painful.  For a long time I needed those photos around me everywhere.  I needed them to keep him near me.  Everywhere I go.  To see him....not all those tubes and the machines and the blood.  But I saw him as my little boy.   

Now when I see those photos I see the moment in time that they were taken.  And it reminds me of what a painful time in my life that was.  It's hard to pull through that and see our son for the babe that he was.  I feel and see that pain all over again.  

And then while talking to my friend I realize that I am lucky.  So.Very.Lucky.  to have those pictures.  To have held my sweet boy.  To have touched him and felt him and seen him.  She never had that privilege and for that I am deeply saddened.  I am so very grateful for having those pictures and that thought helps me see past the darkness of my photos.  I am very lucky.  I wish so badly she had a picture.  I'm sure she does in her mind but one to see with her eyes and make a connection.  Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be so *lucky* to have pictures with tubes and blood and machines of a very very sick child and that the child would be mine.  But I am.  And I love them with every ounce of my soul.  Thank you to my sister for taking those pictures.  Thank you to God for giving me those four days with my son. Thank you to my son for giving us the love you gave us in that hospital room and I am so thankful that we were all with you when you left us that very sad and painful day.  Because you felt loved, from the very beginning, to the very end.  And that love is still present and felt every day of our lives. ...til we meet again little man.... I love you.

Sleigh bells are ringing....

It's full blown Christmas around here.  We have snow and cold weather and pajama days and all kinds of Christmas spirit.  I'm struggling a little bit....with parenting.  All my kids.  The kids I have with me I find myself wrapped up in spending too much money on them.  Yet there is nothing to buy for my little boy who flies above us.  I know money is just a number.  And I know the kids don't know the value of things, but I find myself trying to balance with numbers.  And all that seems to happen is the bottom line gets higher and higher.  And then there's Chase.  I feel like I am not doing enough to honor him.  My heart is torn....only never to be repaired.  Buying toys for Owen is so very fun and so much sweeter than it was with the others--because I know what it's like to not have the baby in your arms.  I still think of the things that I buy for Owen that I should have for Chase but never got to.  

Even reading this post I am disappointed.  Sometimes I wish I could take all currency away from this holiday.  I wish just for once we could celebrate, truly celebrate and enjoy this holiday without the expense.  How different would things be then?  I am so grateful for what I have and whom I hold in my heart and in my arms.  But do I show it the right way?  Do they know that?  It's not just the kids, it's my husband--my best friend--that I feel the same way.

I am working on it.  I look forward to my day of hosting the 25 days of Christmas giveaways because of what it represents for me--the good it did for me that first Christmas without Chase.  I will find more ways. I promise myself I will.  This will be the wonderful Christmas that it should be.