So hard....but so necessary

I am still in the process of litigation with the hospital and mostly the doctor who delivered Chase.  The depositions have been completed and so things are moving forward.  My attorney said I did not have to be and he might not want me at the depositions, but that I would have full access to all of the transcripts.  Knowing that they were complete, I called and asked to see Dr. Harkins' and they put it right in the mail to me.

Patric read it first and gave me his opinion or his perception of the transcript.  From this, I thought that I was going to be really confused after I read it.  I thought I would see the doctor as remorseful and regretful and as confused as I was with what happened.  It was all what I wanted to hear.  What I did not get after the trauma.  An honest explanation of what happened to me and to my baby boy....from a man who was not only my doctor and caretaker, but also my friend.  I felt so abandoned after Chase's death by him....in every sense of the word.  I was so lost.  So confused.  So hurt.  And so mad.  And I thought all of this had finally come out in his deposition--it was his one last chance to explain to me what happened and say what he wanted to say....with the help of my attorney and his.  

So the deposition came in the mail.  Patric read it and told me about it.  Then he gave it to me to read.  But I couldn't.  I wanted the time to be right.  I wanted to not be distracted, not be interrupted, but to read the whole thing as if I was in the room listening.  So it sat here on my desk for more than a week.  Waiting for the right time, when there is no right time for something like this.

100 pages of deposition...and it was the quickest read ever.  Because even when I get the opportunity to relive that horrible day and try to figure out how everything got so screwed up, it all goes even faster.  I couldn't get through it fast enough.  And I see how stupid this doctor is.  How much MORE stupid he is than what I ever thought.  His deposition is so completely incriminating to me it's insane.  And now I can't wait to talk to my lawyer tomorrow.  Because half the time I read the documents from my attorney, my interpretation is so far off base from what they are saying (in all that legal jargon), that I think it's white when actually it's black and it's on our side.  But what I read in that deposition was exactly what I thought the entire time.  The arrogance, the incompetency.  All of it.  When I read it, I can hear his tone of voice, his innuendoes, his condescending attitude, his duplicity.  And its rough.  It's hard to read.  But I've needed to hear this for so long.  And for me, it's therapeutic.  Reading his interpretation, even if it is for the attorneys, of the surgery that he did on me was healing.  Hearing the horror even from his side.....something I that at one point I doubted that he even felt.

So I read this deposition with my baby boy in my arms.  My healthy, alive, sleeping baby boy.  And my heart aches for what should have been, at the same time that it melts for what is.  I am so blessed with Owen.  I truly believe he has his brother in him.  Side note:  I took him to the doctor because I thought he had an earache (duh, just overreacted to teething, oh well).  This was a new doctor who does not know anything about us, not medically or anything.  He took one look at Owen and asked how old he was and said, "oh, he looks so much older.  Not in a bad way, just wise beyond his years sort of, you know?"  I thought, man, doctor, if you only knew.  My little boy is so much more than what you see.  If only you knew....

Hafta share...

a great book about about favorite blankies...

cousin baseball summer

playing dressup...even a guard dog

The Move

We are all still adjusting to this move.  The summer has been crazy with where we have been and what we've been doing.  The kids played softball and baseball in my sister's town.  We had 7 kids on 5 different teams between the two of us. The initial plan was that I was going to be staying with her for a good portion of the summer but as it turned out we moved into our house quicker than we anticipated.  This meant that my dear sis had to shuffle kids to and from practice and games all by her lonesome, for the most part.  I knew it would be a lot to handle with her and I keeping up with 5 different practice schedules and game schedules--I don't know how she did her just herself.  And then to not get to spend the sister time that we had planned and hoped for on top of it all.  Instead I was moving, finding schools, swim teams, gymnastics teams, activities for the boys and things for all of us to do together.  And of course shopping.  

That was the month of June.  Now it's July and we've been settling in, though Patric's traveling back and forth to Ruidoso a lot, as we had planned.  It sucks, though.  The kids always asking when daddy's coming home and Patric having to be alone each nite (in the peace and quiet and solitude--in my perspective) while we are all here together (not getting any sleep because the sun rises sooo much earlier here and when you're the only one getting up with the baby at night, cuts in on your rest!).  And what I realize is....it's not just us as parents that have been going through a huge change this summer.  We have business opportunities and changes going on on top of it all and a lot to get used to.  But also the kids have their side of all of this.  I realize that they are going through just as big of a move....and they're just kids.  A lot for them to handle.  Leaving behind close friends and a whole bunch of (boredom) familiarity.  It's hard on them, too.  As excited as they have been to meet new friends, they are just as scared, too.  I hate that.  But I tell them that this adjustment period they are going through right now will help them later in life be more adaptable to big changes in their life.  Maybe roll with the punches a little better?  I hope so.   I never expected it would be smooth as silk this summer.....but sometimes it's hard to keep looking forward when all you want to do is look over your shoulder.  A chapter in not just mine and Patric's lives is closing, but in our kids' too.  We are all starting over.  And we are bringing Chase with us---he's on every page of this book.  But as with many things in life, time has so much to do with it.  Just getting past this and getting into our new groove--and I never want to wish time away--but it's how it works.  We'll get there--just hopefully not too quickly and without smelling the roses along the way.  

A new beginning

We've been pretty busy.  We relocated for one.  Moving was a lot more work than I thought it would be.  I was looking forward to a "purge", but it was hard....and I'm still not completely rid of my junk.  That is going to be a lifestyle change, not just a quick one!  Our new home is much more spread out.  It is much cleaner.  And it fits us perfectly.  The kids each have their own room.  Owen is in our room for now.  We have a garage so the cars can stay inside.  And I am living in luxury again with things like a garbage disposal and decent water pressure!  I know I appreciate these things a lot more having lived without them for so long.  

We really enjoy our new residence.  The kids are getting involved in activities slowly.  We met our neighbors last night -- they have kids and potential babysitters (yay!).   They also have dogs so Kate even has made friends.  There are a lot of kids in the neighborhood so it's just a matter of time until we meet them.  We have found so many things to do and I am overwhelmed by all the choices....even just in the grocery stores!  Really--I have to work to be efficient with my time.  I can find myself getting lost in making decisions on a daily basis!

The move has been difficult in other ways, though.  Leaving Ruidoso was also hard for what and who we left behind.  We left a huge yard and a river....now our yard is about the size of the house we lived in!  There are lots of parks and sidewalks and trails everywhere, however.  We left a great church in our small town and we'll have to search for another one to suit us now.   The friends we had left in Ruidoso after Chase died were true friends.  I miss them, but keep in touch with them in several ways. 

Our biggest challenge has been moving here without Chase.  Of course he's with us in every way....except the one that settles our empty hands.  The feeling of leaving him behind was excruciating.  As we packed up, I guarded the 3 boxes I have of his things with my life.  I kept them in my car through the entire move.  We were a few different places until we found the house and I stored those boxes carefully.  His shadow box and pictures were the last things I took off our walls in Ruidoso and the first thing I unpacked here.  Placing them in our new home was painful, too.  I find myself aching for my little boy all of a sudden.  I squeeze Owen and hug him tight.....whispering in his ear messages for his big brother.  How I miss him and how I wish he were here with us in this house.  And then I look at Owen and marvel.  He is such an amazing little man.  And so much like both his big brothers, I would guess.  I know Chase couldn't look much different .... but then it's hard to imagine.  I unpacked my big pictures of the kids and framed more updated photos, added Owens to the mix.  But my photo of Chase remains the same.  It never changes.  And it never will.  It still hurts so much.  Big sister Emma proudly puts her magnets on the fridge that she has unpacked.  One of them is of her holding Chase in the hospital right before he died.  These photos of the kids holding Chase are some of the most painful ones. Maybe because I don't look at them as often.  I miss him.  I wish he was here but he isn't.  I don't always feel him, either.  And I don't know if that is my fault or his.  The lawsuit is progressing and we ask ourselves why?  What's the point?  It's painful.  It's wrong.  It's not fair.  And there is nothing we or anyone can do about it.   Sadly....

We are excited about our move.  It's a good move for us.  But it's also sad.  Like everything is in this life of ours.  But in a way, the sadness makes the happiness greater.  Hard to explain.  

I'm working on the blog--I wanted to give it a facelift with the move....part of my new beginning.  Not sure when I'll get it finished.  I need Francesca's help!  Thanks for bearing with me.  A couple pics, more later.