Friday, October 30, 2009

Dreaded Anticipation

I have been thinking a lot about the holidays coming up....and, of course, I am not looking forward to a blatent recognition of what is not there. I don't want to celebrate these cheery events without him. I want to dress him up in his Halloween costume, I want to give him his first bite of Thanksgiving mashed potatoes, I want to buy little Christmas ornaments and toys and clothes for him, I want to share the joy that I should be living at a time of peace and thankfulness with my family, and everyone else because of what I should have. But none of that is going to happen. It can't and there is nothing I can do about it. Patric is right when he says the only thing I see in our family picture is what is not there. I don't blame him for getting frustrated with me and my sadness. It's not fair to the three absoulte miracles that we have here with us to be this way. It's not fair that they have to see the sadness in their mom's face or hear it in her voice at such an exciting and delicious time of year. It's not fair....
So I have thought a lot about what I am going to do this holiday season. How I am going to get through it. How I will survive and hopefully thrive. Part of me is scared....scared that I will crumble. Because I know that is a possibility. But I'm not going to let that happen. Patric won't let that happen to me. I know I will be sad for what it is. But I also know that it is going to be a very special time for this family. It will be a time of joy, a time of peace, a time of happiness and celebration.
I've got a list of things I have planned for us. I don't think I'm going to share it because of the (slight) possibility of setting myself up for failure! But I have some very special things in my head that I think will give me the time and reason and place I need to remember Chase and let the kids honor him in a happy and joyous setting. I hope to have the opportunity to show our love for each other and all our kids and let those who care for us know us as a family. I hope to enlighten those who are in our lives with an insight that most people don't have, a perspective that you hope you never gain, and our reason to find peace and joy in this time of year. In doing this, I hope I give and get the most out of these next few months. I am still searching for who I am after having Chase. I am not the same person. I know things and experience things completely different. I feel different and act different. I love different. So this winter is about being thankful for what I have, showing that and giving that. We will remember Chase as we do every minute of every day, but we will remember him and celebrate him this Christmas because he deserves it. Chase is so completely worth celebrating. I can't promise I won't have my sad moments wishing he was here. But I will try. I will try to reform my sadness for what is not into happiness for what is. And that is 4 beautiful children, an amazing husband and a whole lotta love.


  1. Kudos to you. I hope that writing that was as healing for you as it was for me in reading that.

    Making a conscious effort to choose to focus on what you have and not what you don't is a big step in the healing. You are coming out of the fog and really starting your journey. You are already different but as you walk this path you will change even more. I believe that you will choose well. I believe that you will be a better person. That will be your gift from Chase. He has changed your heart and because of that, he will always be a part of it.

    Still on the same path...reaching back to grab your hand.


  2. Wishing you peace during the upcoming holidays. You have a beautiful attitude about celebrating your son through this time.

  3. You are right, things are different and we are forever changed. We seem to have to try to find a new "normal" in life. I will be thinking of you this holiday season.

    Just remember, it is ok to be sad at times and to be scared. Chase is watching over you and your beautiful family.


  4. The holidays are hard i'm starting to see that also. Don't beat yourself up about showing your other kids your sadness and how much your miss your lil angel. That tells them that even when they go to school, or college or summer camp that you are going to LOVE and miss them. You will be surprised how many kids worry about their parents missing them when they go to school. lol. I try to remind myself that Vayden has the best of both worlds. He's in Heaven which is an amazing place and he gets to see me everyday whenever he wants. So the good mother that I am as are you, i've given up my complete happiness to know that he's got the best of both worlds. Thats what gets me through, that's what makes me smile after the tears.
    I'm so glad you found my blog, because now i've found you.
    God bless
    -Steph ~ Vayden's mommy

  5. Sometimes it's hard to focus on the blessings when it hurts so bad but we truly are blessed. Our babies are an amazing blessing on their own but we also have wonderful families and I thank God for that every day.

    I think celebrating their life is something we should do every day, whether it be with a small or a small act of kindness. We can do it all for them. I know I want to do something special for Carleigh. I haven't figured it out yet but I will. ((HUGS)) & ♥

  6. Holidays are SO hard. They are the hardest thing in this whole journey, I am finding anyways. I am finding they are getting harder, but I don't know if thats because I am now celebrating first and second anniversaries without my baby boys. Its hard to focus and put my pain aside, but I have to celebrate and pretend to be having fun for my kids. Its not fair to them, they didn't ask for this to happen, they are little kids who just want to have fun and enjoy the holidays. This is one of those times that having other children is hard because i'm being forced to smile for them otherwise I would let the holidays go by without a second thought. I don't want to celebrate without my baby the same time, I want to celebrate with my living children. I'm being pulled in too many directions that it hurts my heart just so much. I'll be walking this journey with you. *hugs*