Friday, October 9, 2009

13 Seconds

I'm glad that last post is under my belt because I have more important things on my mind that are much more worthy of my thoughts, fears, and emotions...
Emma was home sick last week and wrote a post about how much we miss her baby brother and she was spot on. We know we love our kids with our entire being. But we don't really experience how much that is quantitatively speaking until we lose one and we lose part of ourselves with them. Then we really feel how much is lost. Most people never realize this emotion because the natural order is to grow old and die before our kids do.
My sister sent me this video this week and though I had seen it before, it has been a while. There are certain things I don't look at unless I truly, truly want to. So many things take me to such a dark place that I have to prepare myself and then let myself revisit them. This video is one of them.

I don't know if I can even put into words what this video does for me. What it does to me.

It is the only live video I have of Chase. Therefore, it is one of the most precious things to me ever. It is evidence, better yet, proof that he was born. He was mine, ours, in flesh and blood. He looked just like his brother and sisters when they were born. He was a big baby! He definitely did not belong in the NICU. He was beautiful. Perfect in Every. Single. Way.

I love this video because it was on Wednesday night. When he still looked like my sweet little Chase. Before his skin became all blotchy and before he got puffy from all the medication, blood products and fluids they were pumping into him. My favorite photo of him is one that was taken on this day and this is what I see in my head 99% of the time I think about him. This is what he looked like. I can feel his so soft hair and his rose petal like skin. I can smell him and breathe him in. My head so close to his head. My nose on his forehead, at his ear. Whispering to him, asking him, begging him, to please keep fighting. Carefully leaning over his isolette, I silently wished my incision was as numb as everything else in my body was. I listen to our pastor's words but I don't really hear them. I am watching his tummy move up and down, like every mother does millions of times "just to make sure...." when you bring home a newborn. I didn't get to hear him cry and I really, really missed that. I wanted to hear him so badly. He did open his eyes for us and his brain waves on one machine indicated his undeniable response to our voices and touch. But I wanted so much more. I couldn't pick him up and hold him to my chest, wrap him in my arms, tuck him under my chin like I wanted to so badly. I wish so much that I had done that one of those 3 days. There was a point when I was convinced that had I done so, I could have miraculously healed him. Made him all better, like I always seem to do with the other three.

Wathcing the 13 seconds of this video is like watching him live again. But it's not a happy feeling. I wanted him to get better, but I didn't want him to hurt, either. I could't bear the thought of him in pain and I didn't know if he was or not. I couldn't tell like a mother should be able to. I did not feel good in the NICU. I knew it was bad. But I did not want to let go. I did not want to give up hope. Watching this video makes me feel that way again. Like not wanting to give up hope, but knowing you have to. And you only get 13 seconds. It feels like that's about how fast it went. A life. HIS life. So painfully short. So incredibly precious. Beautiful. Adorable. Proud. Happy. Yet so intensely sad.

I love you baby boy. Mommy loves you so, so much. You are almost 6 months old and I miss you so badly. Please, please come to me in my dreams. I need you to be there. Won't you?


  1. This post made me so sad. And brought back so much. We have a few video clips of L and i'm not sure what emotions I would feel from watching. I've never watched them, i'm not sure when i'll be able to watch them. I haven't really been able to look at his pictures yet. I know I will when I get the pictures back from NILMDTS (they are editing them for us), and they are making us a slide show to music. I really want to see it, yet i'm scared to look.

    Chase is beautiful, and i'm SO happy you have this video.


  2. Oh Christy.....
    I read your posts and I so wish I could wrap you in a huge hug.
    I don't even know what to say....I am so sorry for your hurt. I never got to hold my Ethan. Sometimes I wonder if that was a blessing ...most times though, I would give anything to have had the chance to hold him for just one minute.
    I admire you for writing so early into your grieving process. It took me almost a year to find my words....
    If you ever need to talk or vent....I am here.

    Much love and hugs to you and your family!

  3. I'm here...I love you.

    I wish I had taken more pictures, more video.
    I wish, I wish, I wish....

    I hope sweet Chase visits you, too.
    Lucy is sure that "baby Chase" sent her snow on her birthday.

    I'm here...I love you.


  4. I am so sad reading this. I hope Chase visits you in your dreams. But know he is always there, even if you don't see him.


  5. Oh Christy I am so sad for you. This just breaks my heart. I do hope Chase comes for a visity very soon. xx

  6. This brought back so much for me. Christy, I am so sorry. I know it hurts, but I am glad you have this video. I have one I forgot about on my phone of one of the first days of Jenna in the NICU. My little brother found it when he was flipping through my pictures and I just froze as he watched it with his childlike demeanor. I almost lost it. But I am so glad I have it, like you. It's proof of their life. And you are right, so precious.


  7. He is so precious and I'm sorry beyond words that you had to live that nightmare. What a treasure that he responded to your voices and touch!

  8. oh christy- that video.
    far out.
    I get the "proof" thing.
    I was watching Chase's little tummy...I remember pleading with M& J to somehow be alive and hearts beating while I was going into labour with them. That we could prove everyone wrong...that they'd be ok. That the last ultrasound must have been a mistake, that they were just sleeping.

    Chase looks so precious Christy. I wish i could have met him, but I bet he's enjoying playing with all of our darlings up in heaven. Wishing for you that he visits your dreams real soon.

    I'm so sad for you right now. Wish life was so different for us both. xx

  9. We have video from around the time Carleigh was born and I watched a clip of it. The room is so eerily silent. I haven't watched any more of it yet.

    Those 13 seconds are so precious. I know why you cherish it so much.

  10. This brought me to tears. Such an unfair loss. I am so sorry for you and your family.