Friday, October 23, 2009

Notes Girls Write

I have had a rough day. It's not necessarily something I can blog about, but it has to do with a lot of specific details the day that Chase was born and what exactly happened. I am in need of answers. Sometimes it's the worst thing to think about and sometimes it's the only way for me to go on. Explanations. What happened? Why is this my life. How could it be?

On top of that, Emma's sick. Again. A UTI this time but it has hit her hard and it's no little thing with me. I hate when my kids are sick. I am scared of them dying. I know it's an extreme thought but I can't help it. I know what that feels like to lose one. And I am scared of it happening again. Defying the odds is not something that means alot anymore. I just want everyone healthy. High fevers, no appetite, overly tired, scares me. And what used to be "all part of parenthood", now is an evil spirit following me around, lurking in the shadows, waiting to happen to me all over again. A fine line between life and paranoia.

But this is what I really wanted to blog about today. Actually since yesterday. I stumbled upon this blog from a photography website I visit from time to time and it seemed like a really cool idea to me. This is what it says:

Every girl has her own story. This photo essay is about sharing glimpses. Funny, beautiful, sometimes sad, sometimes silly peeks into the minds of girls…told through their own writing.

So I gave Emma & Karly their assignments. There were no boundaries. (At this age, I didn't feel I needed to worry about that!) They saw the pictures on the blog but were on their own from there. And I have to say, I was very impressed with my 9-year-old AND my 7-year-old. Karly wrote a note to Chase (click here) and Emma's note read, "Remember, nobody's perfect."
It's things like this that remind me how special my life really is. There is a lot of sadness and a constant ache for what is missing. But there is also such a feeling of happiness, joy and pride in what I do have in my life. I am so happy who my kids are and the individuals that they are becoming. And I am proud that Chase has had a part, and will continue to, in shaping who they are. He is a part of me, just as the other three are. And I know Chase is the same to Patric and that he feels every bit of pride that I do in them.
So what is your note? I thought of this babyloss community and how we express ourselves to each other. And if you feel like sharing, go over to Notes Girls Write and post your note.


  1. Christy, I so wish I had answers. We all want answers and there just doesn't seem to be any. I am thinking of you on this difficult day.


  2. Christy, Im sorry that your having a rough day. They seem to follow us baby loss mama's like a shadow dont they. I am sending prayers asap. *Hugs*

  3. Christy,

    I am so sorry you are hurting. I read so many blogs of other moms who have also lost their sweet babies. I read about their pain. Their hurt. Their anger. I wish I could give you the answer. I wish I could say something, anything to lessen your pain. If only it were that easy,huh?
    Here for you and sending you lots of hugs and love!!

  4. Christy,

    Just went to the website and saw Karly's note....I am in tears. How sweet. So sweet!!

  5. (tug) Karly's note is so very sweet and innocent! I am thinking of you and your family and the pride that you feel and hoping that that overshadows the grief! I am also right with you when you talk about being so scared of outliving another child- it is my biggest fear adn I literally pray about it every night and get sick when I think of all of my children traveling somewhere together without me for fear or something happening to all of them- it's crazy I know but it's my real-
    Thinking of you!

  6. Thinking of you hun on these tough days. I am having them myself lately, more so then not.

    Your daughters are beautiful and strong and can teach so many things to so many different people. You are so blessed to have such amazing little girls. I'm sure you are so proud of them.

    I hope Emma starts to feel better soon, poor thing.

    Lots of *hugs*

  7. Some days can be so tough and I wish that you could have the answers you seek. I know I don't like it when my daughter Kyndra is sick. I hope Emma gets better quickly.