Monday, October 26, 2009

Not any easier...

I know this journey is and will continue to be one of peaks and valleys; a rollercoaster of emotions; a few good days shuffled with a few bad ones. But when anyone asks, "does it get any easier?" the answer is NO. It will never get easier.
I think 6 months, wow. I can't believe it has been 6 months since we had Chase. I can't believe it because I think of him and my delivery all the time. Still. Every night I go to bed and every morning I wake up, I'm thinking about him. All of it. I can force my thoughts away from certain moments and focus on others if necessary. But the point is, I think of him all the time, in everything I do.
Last night was one of the worst nights for me since Chase died. I see his picture every night as usual, but I decided to go through the photos and pick some out for Patric's mom. I have seen them a million times. I have them on my blog, I have them in the house, I have them everywhere. But last night, for some reason, I couldn't handle it. It sent me so far back into the darkness that I wasn't sure if I was going to come out of it. I felt the pain as if it had all just happened. My thoughts wandered to what I wish I would have done with Chase those 3 days I was with him and I felt the weight of regretting so many things. I just felt a heaviness about the sadness that I am carrying with me everywhere. I had gone to bed before Patric so I was alone for this episode. I know I can go to him with anything or for any need, physical or emotional. But I couldn't get out of bed. I felt so incredibly heavy. And I am thankful that my body takes care of my mind because at some point I drifted off into sleep, clutching Chase's blanket and holding Reese's hand (he was already very much asleep through all of this).
I know that this is my life. It doesn't matter how much I can hardly believe it, sometimes...I must live with it. I have always lived on the edge. But now I am on the verge. On the verge of tears. Though some days it takes a little more to get them to fall and even some days there aren't any. I know that they are there. Under the surface. Forcing me to be strong, smile, have joy in the things that make me smile and try to go on. I need to. My family needs me to. Chase needs me be the happy mom that I so dearly want to be.


  1. I just went back and read some of Chase's story. I am so incredibly sorry he is not here with you physically. I'm a few months "newer" to the grief than you are, but have had some of these same thoughts. It always helps to read what other angel mommies are thinking, reinforcing that none of us are alone in this terrible place.

  2. Some days I can think, hear, or see things and be just fine and the next time not be. I always hope for better days.

  3. I have a lot of wishes for what I wish I had done when my baby boys were with us. But I didn't know any better at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20, huh?

    I am glad you are able to look at his pictures and cherish what an incredible baby boy he was. I am not as strong as you, I haven't been able to look at L's pictures since he was alive. I have seen a few from a seperate folder I had them in, but thats it. I just haven't been able to go back there yet.

    You are right though, this grief is forever...not a day goes by that this grief doesn't encompass any of us. It sucks. :(

    LOTS of *hugs*

  4. I know that by now you know that I think of you daily and have only my support and hugs to give to you. I cry at the anguish you express here and I know that I can do nothing but offer my shoulder and friendship when ever you need it.

    My blessings to you and the family-

  5. Just praying for you this morning...

  6. Dearest Christy,

    Long sigh...
    I am sorry your hurting. But you know what? It's okay for you to hurt! You don't have to be super woman all the time. You have to allow yourself the time and the freedom to grieve hurt. To miss Chase. This isn't something you just have to hurry and get through. Chase is your baby. You miss him. Somedays it hurts to breathe, doesn't it? I can be doing great and then something ...little..will take me back.
    Don't rush yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself. Your doing what you need to do right now!!!

    Love and hugs!!!

  7. Wow, I love your writing style. You seem to write what I feel yet can't express. It's so comforting to me to read your blog and know that I am not alone. Sometimes I wonder if others (who haven't lost a baby) think I should snap out of it and keep moving forward. But it's too hard. I can't force myself to feel anything other that what I am naturally feelings, and that is such extreme sadness. Thank you for sharing your story. If anything, you've helped a grieving mother in Virginia! Kerry