A dear, sweet, long-time (not old!) friend of mine wrote me a message about people having a newfound perspective after a tragedy occurs in their lives. I was bothered by the message a bit, only because I feared I had been incorrectly portraying my feelings through this blog. So I went back and read what I had written.
A couple weeks ago I wrote about my perspective that I had after losing Chase. I am thankful for the perspective I have now. But I don't feel like it's much different than the perspective I had before Chase died. I don't feel that this is a "reason" for God or makes it part of any Plan for Chase or me or any one of us. I finally read my pregnancy journal this weekend and I wrote several times about how stressful life was with finances which often lead to arguments, and how many problems we had with this or that in our old house, but I was happy. Happy and blessed with my "perfect" family. My priorities were in check before Chase was born, just like they are in check now. This newfound perspective that I have, I most certainly could have done without.
There are days that are more filled with anger than others. There are days that are happier than others. I know it's hard for even those that are closest to me and that I talk to nearly every day to know what to say to me. Or to not be scared to say the wrong thing. I've been on that side and felt the same way. But there's something about this place I'm in that protects me right now. I hear things every day but I very rarely am upset by anything...even as obsurd or crazy as some of it gets. I know that intentions are good, I make sure and surround myself with only those kind of intentions. I appreciate the thoughts, prayers, phone calls, hugs, cards, & emails. It's just hard. It's part of this process, of living with our loss, of being hurt. But as independant and stubborn as I am, it's nice to feel loved. It's reassuring to feel the support. Because this is not something that is ever going to end. And I don't know how to make this feeling go away.