Monday, June 29, 2009

The grace of God

Part of grieving is always dealing with people or situations where no one knows what you have recently gone through. I have often wondered why it is I behave or respond to people the way I do. How it is that I don't just go crazy and scream in hysterics or cry uncontrollingly. The innocent, harmless questions people ask like, "how many kids do you have?" are all of a sudden so hard to answer. Reading other blogs, I realize that I am not the only one who struggles to answer this question. I am so proud to have 4 kids. They are all so beautiful. But I feel uncomfortable because I don't want more questions to how old are they or where are they right now? It hurts to talk about someone who is a part of our family, but not with our family. And you don't want the person asking to feel bad or worse yet, have to explain to them (a complete stranger) what happened. Sometimes it's just easier to give less information. Then sometimes it feels good to unload. Sometimes it feels good to talk to a stranger. Sometimes it is the last thing I want to talk.

I feel in shock most days, that this really happened. I feel guilty for the free time. The time I should be bathing, feeding, rocking, taking care of someone who would be completely dependant on me. It's an emptiness. Some days the reality has definitely set in. Sometimes I really feel like I have 1 less child than I should. Chase is gone and I will never see him or feel him again. I think about him all the time and I have to get used to the fact that I will feel like this forever. I will live like this forever. I will sleep with his blanket every night, sometimes under my cheek, sometimes clinched in my heart, one hand on my scar. I will talk to him every night before I go to sleep. I will see him in my mind sometimes all the time, and sometimes not. I will never stop missing him, though.

I do beleive that we are given a special grace to handle these types of things. My sister was with me shortly after Chase died when an acquaitence hollered at me, "hey, congratulations!" and pointed to what appeared to him as my "bump." She was aghast at what I must have felt. I felt a big hole in my heart; I completely forgot about what my belly might indicate. But I kept walking, gave this kind man a thumbs-down signal, said, "nope!" and never looked back. I was sorry that he tried to be nice....or happy for me. Because it was anything but a happy time for me. After Reese was born, I'd respond to that comment with, "nope, just had him a few days ago!" with a huge smile on my face. This time, however, I was filled with sadness. But like this rose from a rose bush I received at my baby shower, God has given us grace. There are beautiful things in this world---just sometimes they are hard to see.

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