I found out today that my little boy "preferred his head to the left with right upper extremity bent at the elbow." I can see it in my head so clearly. And I ache because I did not know that. I have to read it in a consultation report because I did not know that about my little boy. But somebody else did.
I have been feeling lots of emptiness lately. I sat watching Karly at gymnastics Thursday with my knees bent and my feet up on the bleacher in front of me. My elbows were on my knees and all I could think was how Chase would be right there in my hands, looking up at me, watching me. I felt an emptiness without him there. I pull my hands to my chest and they are empty. Chase is supposed to be there.
I spoke with a woman a few days ago who has been on a journey in many ways like mine and she described this feeling as suffocating and many times it is. If my life was any different than it was right now, I don't know if I could survive this grief. I am so thankful that I have the girls to constantly check on me. I have Reese, "my little boy on earth." They give me so much to look forward to every day. So much to smile about. The funny things they do. The sweet things they say. The wonderful memories they make. I can keep going because of them.
I wrote one of our NICU nurses a long letter thanking her for everything she did for us when Chase passed and trying to explain to her my behavior that day. I don't know that anyone knows how to behave in moments like those but I do know that there is no way to prepare yourself for it. I received a letter from her yesterday commending Patric and I on how well we handled the situation for all 4 of our kids. She said, "Healing from his loss will take forever. Be kind to yourself. Do not have regrets, but cherish the memories you do have..." She is right--just like she was right on a lot of things that day. But it's hard. It's so hard to not have regrets when I had just 3 short days with him.....I can recount that time in minutes. It's hard to be kind to myself when I wished I touched him more, sang to him more, talked to him more, kissed him more, smelled him more......more of everything. It just went so fast. And now at times it goes so slow. But I do cherish those memories. I have to. That's all I have. I miss him so much.