Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My reasons changed...

I have been back to "work" for about 2 weeks. I thought I could do it. I thought I'd want to do it, keep my mind busy, get my bank account back on track.
I tried an early afternoon shift. I tried a late afternoon shift. I tried the late evening shifts. But I can't do it. My mind is elsewhere. I have my favorite picture of Chase, which is an almost life-size head shot that is such a perfect picture (I use that term loosely) of him, so vivid and so clear that it literally captured a moment in time for me. Perfectly. I touch it and try so hard to feel him. I love that picture. Anyway, I have that picture on my desk. And there are always other pictures I have sitting around my desk, sympathy cards, notes, reminders everywhere. I can't work without getting distracted from those pictures constantly. But I'm not going to take them down and clear all of that out. I don't want to. Why would I? I'll never take them down.
I can't stay focused with the internet at my fingertips constantly. Whether I'm researching my experience or reading blogs about the stories of other women who have experienced a similar loss, I just can't stay focused on what I'm supposed to be working on.

And then there is the plain and simple fact that the reasons I am working are just not valid reasons anymore. I wanted spending cash, the freedom to waste money on frivolous things, or to buy cute little baby things, without rearranging our budget, the identity of a working mom. The money is just not important anymore. I'd rather spend that time reading with the kids, or playing kickball, or looking at the stars. My identity is in better perspective now. I am who I am. Whether I work for somebody else or not. I am mom who "stays at home with us". I don't need to bring in a paycheck to make me feel any better than that.

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