Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I keep talking about this acute sense of perspective. I remember when I used to "have it all in perpsective." It was drilled in to me in high, school, sports. In that order, though sports were sometimes moved up, thank you dad. That's a very generic list, but in order for my parents to send all 4 girls off to college on a slew of academic and athletic scholarships, that was the way it was. Friends, God, other things were also put in perspective, but it was these things that we needed to focus on that were so constantly drilled.

Needless to say, perspective changed in college....and then again after college....and then again when I got married.....and yet again when we had children.

And yet again.

What is important is so very clear to me right now. I used to drive by convenience stores and see the $170million jackpot sign and wonder what I would do if I won the lottery. I saw that sign today and I actually thought to myself, "I could care less about 170 million right now. It doesn't bring Chase back."

My sister emailed me this morning with a very upset email about an irate neighbor that is acting like an idiot and she is beyond frustration, very angry, very....well, to the point of exploding and I know how she feels. I've been there. I've been so upset by the actions of other people that I can't get it off of my mind. But that anger does nothing for me. I could care less what other people think, say or do about me right now. It doesn't have anything to do with, nor will it bring Chase back.

I have a perspective on life right now, that is so clear, I know I will never be the same. I know what I have, I know what I need and I know what it takes (for me) to be happy. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'll have pure happiness again, but I can be happy with my life. I am sad right now too, but I am happy with the things that matter. As I said in an earlier post, if I had Chase right now, I would be the most happiest girl in the world, I'd have everything I'd ever want.........but I wouldn't have the perspective I have right now. I would love and take care of my children with the greatest of my ability, but I don't know that I would not let the things bother me that shouldn't. Thank you, Chase Allen, for giving me that perspective. You have changed me, forever, son. I love you and miss you.

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