25 Days of Giveaways....My Turn

Tina, at Living Without Sophia and Ellie, had a great idea for helping babyloss moms get through the holidays with a giveaway every day until Christmas. She has put a lot of time and effort into getting this together and I have to admit, my assigned day snuck up on me. I thought I had until next week.....and I've even been checking the giveaway blogs every day! I am not always with it but I have to admit, this project has helped me through this very difficult holiday season. Checking out other blogs, finding new stories I had not come across yet, reading post after post and relating to every story in this community with at least our outcomes in common, and sometimes more.

My giveaway today is for a necklace and some earings that I made. The necklace has light pink and blue pearls and Swarovski's crystals strung on grey silk with a toggle clasp. One thing that has been very comforting to me has been wearing jewelry that signifies or represents my kids or just Chase in some way. This necklace is called "Inspire". I chose this message because this community has been an inspiration to me. I have struggled with faith a lot since losing Chase and there have been several instances when I have read on a blog someone's idea of faith and it has helped me to see Chase or the circumstances surrounding Chase in a different light. I have been comforted reading how other baby loss moms and dads view their angel babies now and can think of my Chase in a very similar way. I have read others' perceptions of God on some blogs that have made sense to me and have allowed me to think of Chase in a religious sense, not just spiritual. I don't have all the answers and everyone has their own opinions, but this blog in this community is a place I can come and discuss my doubts and concerns and anger and whatever else knowing I won't be judged because there are others with very similar feelings.

Also.....! A runner up will receive a necklace with this 25 x 25mm pendant on brown leather with a lobster clasp. It is the Chinese symbol for faith and has the the English word "faith" on the back. (This is the one I didn't have time to make...I have not received the pendant yet.)

To enter this giveaway, leave me a comment and if you feel like it, tell me who or what has inspired you since the loss of your baby(ies). I will choose the winner tonight from random.org so check back tomorrow to see if it is you! If it is, please email me with your address and I will get them shipped out ASAP. Thanks, in advance, for sharing!

The Mountains & the valleys

My blogger friend, Laura, told us about a website where you can have your blog printed and bound into a book and I have been ready to do that. I need to do it a) before the book gets too big that I won't be able to afford to bind it ;) and b) to put it with my pregnancy journals and stow them away....somewhere...for my girls, should they ever have any interest in this stuff called life that I am experiencing. Anyway, I have been waiting for the perfect post to end this part, called Book I, or something like that.

I guess what comes to mind is how I have changed since Chase died and who it is, exactly, that I am now. The thing is, I'm still not sure. And don't know that I ever will. For when Chase died, he took part of me with him. And just as I feel like I didn't get to know him, there's a part of me that I won't ever get to know.

Of course there is telling in what is not here. I do know some things just merely by what is not in my presense. The first thing is this.....Before Chase died, I had a feeling, or a curiosity, or a premonition, if you will. It had started a long time before April of 2009 and I don't know exactly when, but I had some sort of "feeling", and I don't know a better way to describe it, that something bad was due for our family. I had often thought about the devestations that happen in our world and how lucky, incredibly lucky, we were to not have experienced any such tragedy, to not have cancer or diseases or have someone close and dear to us have to experience that, no natural disasters to take our possessions or damage our outlook on life. Our kids have all of their grandparents and were lucky enough to know several of their great grandparents. And most of all, Patric and I were healthy and fully capable of providing ourselves and our children with enriched lives. I am not an overly obsessed worrier, but I found myself increasingly worrying about something happening to someone close to me. It just seemed like were were playing a game and had escaping all of the bad things that happen to people. We were lucky. And I say that all the while admitting that we had our share of professional and financial troubles. I just felt that as bad as things got in our pocketbooks, we were so lucky to have our health and our family.

Then Chase died. And though a lot of events happened that day and up to that day that gave me the premonition that something bad was forthcoming, I never expected to lose my child. But it happened. It happened to me. It happened to my kids, Patric, our family. We lost a life; forever ripped from our hearts. I would like to say that for this price, I no longer worry that something bad will happen to us again, but I can't. Because I know that life offers no guarantees. Nothing is given to us. We are dealt a hand and we must decide what to do with it. And the only thing I can say is that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I might do a few things differently, mainly because I feel love in a different way that I used to. I feel things differently than I used to. I feel differently than I used to. And I guess that is a little bit of who I am now. I know that the mountain that we have come upon in living without Chase has not defined us, rather it has shown us a deeper perspective of who we are. We never thought we could live on, but we are. We. Are. Because such is life and we have to decide how we are going to Live. On. Our kids think and feel differently, too. I can see it in their eyes. I can feel it in their touch. I can hear it in their words. Losing Chase and trusting that they will get to see him again has given them a faith that not very many know. A perspective like this is something that their lives would have been fulfilled not to have known. But as life would have it, they now feel, love, and see things deeper than they did before April 17th. They know how to survive in a way that we never could have taught them. They watched Chase fight and they know that they have it in themselves to fight, too. They know that family means we all stay together and though we might not be able to see Chase, we feel him and we know he is there. And Chase feels us. He feels our love. He has to. How can he not?

So it is with this post that I close this journal and move on to the next one. I can't really call it a Chapter or a Book because I don't feel like have have achieved anything or reached a goal or started anything anew. All I know is this life will go on, our stories will continue and our love will always endure. I won't say that there is always tomorrow, but I do know that our family is definitely more than forever.

Going Back

The girls are working on the church praise dance team performance. They have been working very hard, putting in a lot of time with their teacher (she is wonderful) and the show is next Sunday. I am very excited about watching them....I am always so proud of them and their teacher and what she accomplishes with the team. Anyway, they had a very short "teaser" performance this morning in church to encourage members to come watch. So we went to church.

I haven't been in a while. In fact, the last time I did, was a communion Sunday, and I left about 20 minutes into the service because I started crying and couldn't stop. I wrote about it here. I guess it had been a few months. Patric ran into a church member last week and she asked why we hadn't been coming. He told her we will when we are ready. She asked about me and he told her I have been struggling with, in his words, "the whole church thing". She told him we should come because they were there to help us with that, with everything, with anything.

I feel loved in that church. I love the sanctuary...in all it's knotty pine and cabin-like warmth, all it's close-knit, small town feel. But it is so incredibly hard for me to walk in there. It is beautifully decorated for Christmas. All the symbols I used to love and cherish are now staring at me like I'm an outcast. Like I don't fit in with them (the symbols, not the people). They seem foreign to me. I see the white lights on the tree and the lights on the nativity sets and pretty starbursts grow from them...bigger and bigger until I can no longer see through my welled up eyes and tears start to fall. And they fall. And they don't stop.

I knew this would happen. I knew when I went in there, I would cry. Not only because of Chase's funeral, but because whatever would happen in there, whatever the sermon might be, it would relate to me. Some how. It would identify with me and some aspect of my life. Whether I wanted to or not.

So I cried. As quietly and inconspicuously as I could. And Patric held my hand and comforted me. But I was stupid to hope no one would notice. I was dumb to think I was alone. Too many people care about us too deeply. I feel it. And it helps. A little. But it also hurts. The warm looks and the heartfelt words, "it was nice to see you this morning," are so kind and well meant. But it hurts to be there. It hurts to feel love when all I want to do is love the son I can't hold.

Decorating

We have been busy....with snow. Kids have been home from school on snow days and we have been busy. I just wanted to post some pics real quick. These are my favorite ornaments this year. That's so hard to say because I have so many favorites actually, but these are very important to me right now.

The kids did a great job decorating. We had very few casualties (broken ornaments) and those that did were superglued. Dad did his part in setting up the train; Reese's favorite part. I am so very blessed for these things in my life.

Blue...

Today sucks. It does and it always will. The part that sucks anyway. It is supposed to be, and started out, an awesome day. 8 inches of snow, no school, fuzzy jammies, a mission to decorate for Christmas. I love having all the lights up and the tree decorated and sitting by the fire snuggled up with Patric or the kids or a warm cup of cocoa. I love it, I do.

But gawd...everywhere I look, it is just so painful. We are rearranging for the tree to fit and the mention of moving a piece of furniture into the bedroom came up. I shrieked inside. I don't want to move ANYthing in my room. It's where the crib is, the changing table, all the stuff I need(ed) for Chase to come home. I thought I was doing okay...but when it came up to move some of that stuff around I realized I am not. I'm not ready for that. The reason we moved the furniture OUT of our room in the first place was to make room for baby. I hate it. It hurts. This season should be so incredibly happy and fun right now. What should be.....

I am cleaning up everywhere getting ready to take stuff to storage so we can bring all the decorations back. I came across a box of clothes. Old clothes the girls grew out of...and then a bag of misc. clothes and stuff. It dawned on me that it was a bag of stuff that the "friends" that came into the house to clean up for me when Chase died had collected and didn't know what to do with so they just put it somewhere. I had put it "away for now" several months ago. Ouch, coming across that was a painful reminder. I picked out the stuff that was never meant to be thrown away and threw away the rest.

I think about Christmas last year and how pregnant I was. I can remember my belly being in the way all the time...I felt so huge. I remember being pregnant so vividly, I could almost feel it.

Today is tough. I think this holiday is going to be very tough. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I find myself talking outloud to Chase now, when no one is around. I am picturing him hovering around the room following me.....I look at my photos and I am so sad. I feel like time is slipping away so quickly and I know he is growing up, changing and I am only going to have a memory of him as a newborn baby. I don't know what he looks like now or how he is changing. Can someone up there just send me a photo every now and then? I want to look at a tangible memory...I am so confused when I try to think for myself what he must look like.

All of this just hurts so bad. I want him here. I want him with us. I want to be happy. I want life to be the way it used to. I miss you Chase. I miss you so much it hurts. Kisses to you sweet boy.