Feeling a wave of emotions around me and I find myself here again. This space...where I once emptied my deepest, darkest, most painful moments for myself to offload them from my head and my heart. To be archived for no specific purpose other than to hear myself admit these feelings and then try to understand them.
It's January 1st and the proverbial timeframe for putting away all of the Christmas decorations. Ive found myself not even using half of my decorations anymore. Partly because we have less space than we once did but also because I don't have the heart to get them out and decide where to put them and then see them every day for a month. I used to think of the word nostalgia as like a Norman Rockwell type picture. My nostalgia reminded me of my own childhood and would put fond memories in my head of school Christmas programs and parties, the decorations my mom used every single year were burned into my brain, the lights on the tree, the tinsel strewn all over the branches, the ceramic decor my mom collected from Home Interiors parties and the Santa hat on the deer heads hanging in our living room. So many memories that felt warm and comforting. Nostalgia felt familiar and comforting.
Not anymore. I feel so tired when it comes time to decorating for Christmas anymore. It changed most drastically when Reese left for college. It also changed when we moved out of the big house on Stardance I guess if I'm completely honest. We downsized and it forced me to be very efficient with the space we had. As I look back I think I'm bitter for many reasons about that. But it also ended up being the year we moved our Christmas last minute to Ruidoso so we didn't have Christmas at that house anyway. Maybe more bitterness brewed there.....I couldn't do the tree this year without making the boys participate. They ended up decorating it all themselves. While Patric sat on the couch like a customer who purchased a movie ticket for entertainment. This triggers me and I can't explain those feelings at the moment.
The next year we were in the mountains for Christmas Day and then last year it was just the boys and us for Christmas Day. So things have gradually been changing every year and while I've been most concerned about how this all affects Owen, I think secretly it has been sabotaging me as well. Owen has adjusted to all of the life changes we've had over the last five years (three moves, two deaths, new school, siblings moving) with seemingly ease and open-mindedness. It is very tender for me because I don't like change anyway and to watch it happen to us without my control and change the childhood of my "baby", I've slowly become overcome by sadness. His Christmases are not at all like his siblings' Christmases. Nothing. And I hate it. Every part of it. And I'm here dropping the ball in the midst in my own state of mind trying to fake it for him to have something that I once could give but can't anymore. I feel defeated. I feel like a horrible mom. I feel empty.
The truth is he's 14 and growing up so fast that life is changing for him anyway. It's that phase I am all too familiar with. I know it well and have braced myself for it in the past. I'm open to those changes .... the quietness, the distractions, his interests changing, feeling targeted because the options I give him are never the right ones or the cool ones. I know the hormones are raging and he's finding his own skin. I feel for him but want to give him the space to do it. So to reiterate--more change and my overwhelming feeling is sadness and nostalgia. My retaliation to myself is to try to make as many memories as possible during this time. We go on trips, games, concerts, experiences....as much as I can think of. These are precious to me. Each moment. I breathe it in and try to hold onto it as long as I can. Snap a quick shot of the scene just for my own records (memory) on my phone. I know exactly how fast it is going to go. And this is the last one. So I'm holding on for my life right now.
But this holiday mood has me feeling numb most of the time. Until it all has to come down. And that's when the emotions take over. It's like a wave of grief that I'm familiar with as well. I don't get any help. But I don't want any help either. Unless...it's the right person at the right time. I don't know how to make this feel any different. Sometimes I wish I would have just told the girls they had to be home at Christmas. But that was something that I tried to raise them to know and want and that it went without saying. And if they didn't come home, then I failed at that part of raising them.
Either way, I hate taking down Christmas decorations. I'm left alone with all of those handmade ornaments and photo ornaments I just had to make every year. It's just me and them. Packing in place and closing the boxes and stacking them in their spots in the basement.
Until it's time to do it all again next year.
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