Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
As for the future, I am planning on leaving the baby stuff out....for a while....I am not ready to put it away. I am not ready to say that I am ready to live without it. I hope and pray that it will be used again one day soon. And that in it will be another one of our little miracles.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
We had a wonderful day Saturday helping Pop with a rock project of his. We filled the truck with rocks, then unloaded them, then relaxed on the deck in the most comfortable chairs, in the most beautiful of weather, entertaining each other with conversation and toys. But something was missing. A grandmother should be holding her youngest grandchild. This would be her excuse for not getting her chores done--she had a baby that needed to be held....in her arms. Something she was so anxiously looking forward to. It's hard to appreciate such blissful relaxation when your arms are aching, physically, from what is not in them.
We went to church this morning and my arms ached then, too. Again, I am so thankful for what I do have. The kids sitting there with me, behaving (by my standards, anyway). But Chase should be in my arms. His brother should be making him smile. My life should be perfect.
Truth is, there are times that I can not imagine what my life would be without this tragedy. I so wish this wouldn't have happened to us, but this feeling, this knowledge of what such enormous grief is, this burden that we carry....I can't imagine living my life not knowing it, now. Again, I so, so, so wish I was. I would give anything to not know this grief. But I have it and I live my life with it every day. I appreciate a beautiful day because of what is not there. I love my family more because of what is missing. I cherish those important relationships more because of one that we will never have. And my arms ache, along with my heart because I am missing Chase.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I miss you so, so much sweet Chase. Always have and always will.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Since losing Chase, there have been so many things I can not explain. I am truly lost right now. Utterly confused, and truly lost. But when I look back on last school year, I thank God that the girls were home with me. They were a very big part of my pregnancy seeing me grow every day, feeling the baby move, dealing with my mood swings and fatigue, watching me stand up to teach, then sit back down on those little tiny kid chairs during class...and then resort to just teaching class from the 18" tall chair the whole day. But they witnessed something that is precious to me...and to them. The were definitely a part of the pregnancy and new the baby in a way they never would have if they would have been at school all day. I am truly grateful for that and don't know how things worked out that way, but they did. I am also grateful for not having to send them back to school for 4 more weeks after they lost their baby brother right before their own eyes. I could not have done that to them. We needed each other then more than anything and we were able to give that to each other. We finished our curriculum when we were ready to go back to it and we made it happen. For that I am lucky. I also needed the kids with me last year. Again, I can't explain it, but I needed them to be home with me in a way that it was almost overbearing. Physically, psychologically, emotionally. The threats to send them to school when they misbehaved were always empty because in no way could I have really done that.
This year, I am willing to homeschool, if that's the best decision for us, but I also want them to get the best experience with education (and life) possible. I told Emma she can always come back home and I'll homeschool her, that will never change. But school changes every year and she will never get a chance to do this year again in her life. Again, there are several reasons our family likes homeschooling and several more reasons that Emma likes homeschooling, but even though I know there will be times when she is afraid to try something, I don't want that to stop her from trying it. I want her to face it and go after it and feel the accomlishment of overcoming any fears she may have about school.
I don't know what is the right answer. I will never claim that I do. But I do know that I try with all my might to do what is best for my kids. I don't think what is right and what is best are always the same thing because like I said, we don't always know what is right. But we know our kids, we know our family and by all means, we do know what is best. Things change and feelings change and who knows if we will be doing public school at the end of the year, but we are going to give it another shot. The girls are excited. Dad is excited. Reese is excited. And mom thinks she is excited, not 100% sure yet. I just want everybody to be happy, not sad--we have enough of that around here. I'm happy I get to spend time alone with Reese. I'll get to spend more time with Patric, maybe I'll get to go on a few lunch dates again! I'll miss the girls but as long as they are having fun, I'm happy for all of us. I wish I had Chase here to demand as much time as he would have while I was juggling time with the rest of the family, housework, job and all. This place and my life, I'm sure, would have been a tornado, but I would have loved it. For now, though, we can move on with the school decision. There is shopping to be done, supplies to buy, clothes to buy, curriculum books to sell on ebay, the list goes on....