Wednesday, August 5, 2009

One step forward, 2 (more like 10) steps back

I wrote that post last night about whether or not to homeschool and a harsh reality came to me making today a really rough day. This reality is so harsh that I feel like I've lost Chase all over again, very fresh, very raw. In thinking about the girls going to school, I realized I have one year left with Reese before he's off. Well, I knew that, but what I realized was that I have one year left of kids at home. Chase was going to be a year and a half before Reese went to kindergarten. They were going to have that long at home together to play, to bond as brothers. The year before Karly went to kindergarten, she became very close with Reese. She took care of him, played with him, dressed him up in princess clothes and balerina tutus. They bonded a great deal and it was time we'll never get back. Realizing that is gone, feels like losing him all over again. It hurts. It makes me mad. I feel nauseous, sick to my stomach, that that was taken away from me, taken away from Reese, and Chase will never be here to live and grow with his big brother. I have a very heavy heart when I think about this--I'm on the "verge". Thanks to my husband, for being there to catch me when I fall. And to hold me up and keep me going. Thanks for letting me cry it out. And thanks for helping, not making, but helping me to get through this. Talking positive to me, showing me love, giving me your shoulder, and just being here. Telling me about your fears, your anger, your sadness so that I know I am not the only one feeling this pain, or that I am not "all better" yet. I don't know what I would do without you.
This realization has made me question whether or not another baby is in the mix even. Moving on, sending Reese to school and no more babies or toddlers running around the house. But I know I'm not ready for that to be over. I do know that my dreams and hopes of having them home together before one goes off to school are shattered. That will never happen. I will always be thinking of Chase, what we missed out on, what he missed out on, and it will always crush me, til my dying day. My hopes and dreams are forever changed. I dream of having a little baby in my arms, for sure, but now we'll have to wait til everyone comes home from school to be a family.


  1. I totally get it Christy. My living children are almost 7 years apart and my youngest will start kindergarten this month. I was really looking forward to having my babies together, seeing what it is like to raise two babies at once was really exciting to me. Now I will never know. Even though we want to try again, having 2 more kids just probably won't happen...I really feel like I am running out of time. I wish I could make it stop; no, I wish I could make it go back, go back 3 months 1 week and 4 days to be exact. Thinking of you.

  2. I get it, too.

    I have since had my rainbow-- yet that drives all of these feelings even more. My harsh reality. Our family will forever be missing someone-- and all of the memories we should have made.

    Thinking of you.


  3. Chris and Patric, my heart goes out to your family. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hear your pain in the words that you write. I cry every time I think of Chase not getting to experience your wonderful family here on earth. I don't really know what it's like to hurt this bad day in and day out...but I care that you're hurting. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit wraps His loving arms around you and hugs you in your deepest despair, I pray that you can come to experience a "peace that passes understanding" in the midst of your incredible pain because of your total reliance on God. I'm so thankful for your family and your friends and especially your children who cry with you, go with you, experience with you, and even laugh with you through these hurting days/weeks/months/years/lifetimes. I know you know how much you are God, by family, by friends, by those who have also experienced a loss like yours.
    Peace from Aunt Glo