I wrote that post last night about whether or not to homeschool and a harsh reality came to me making today a really rough day. This reality is so harsh that I feel like I've lost Chase all over again, very fresh, very raw. In thinking about the girls going to school, I realized I have one year left with Reese before he's off. Well, I knew that, but what I realized was that I have one year left of kids at home. Chase was going to be a year and a half before Reese went to kindergarten. They were going to have that long at home together to play, to bond as brothers. The year before Karly went to kindergarten, she became very close with Reese. She took care of him, played with him, dressed him up in princess clothes and balerina tutus. They bonded a great deal and it was time we'll never get back. Realizing that is gone, feels like losing him all over again. It hurts. It makes me mad. I feel nauseous, sick to my stomach, that that was taken away from me, taken away from Reese, and Chase will never be here to live and grow with his big brother. I have a very heavy heart when I think about this--I'm on the "verge". Thanks to my husband, for being there to catch me when I fall. And to hold me up and keep me going. Thanks for letting me cry it out. And thanks for helping, not making, but helping me to get through this. Talking positive to me, showing me love, giving me your shoulder, and just being here. Telling me about your fears, your anger, your sadness so that I know I am not the only one feeling this pain, or that I am not "all better" yet. I don't know what I would do without you.
This realization has made me question whether or not another baby is in the mix even. Moving on, sending Reese to school and no more babies or toddlers running around the house. But I know I'm not ready for that to be over. I do know that my dreams and hopes of having them home together before one goes off to school are shattered. That will never happen. I will always be thinking of Chase, what we missed out on, what he missed out on, and it will always crush me, til my dying day. My hopes and dreams are forever changed. I dream of having a little baby in my arms, for sure, but now we'll have to wait til everyone comes home from school to be a family.