Thursday, August 13, 2009

Blending In

Is it possible to be a recluse in a crowd full of people? People that you know? I am not a very good conversationalist anymore. I don't care to talk (read: socialize). And I don't care what most people think. I am so carefree wtih friendships at this point that only those that are true will remain when all the others have fallen through the cracks. Many have become mere acquaintences at this point. And I notice, but I have nothing in me to change it. I just don't care. I'm not one to walk across the room to say hello to someone anymore. I know so many people just plain and simple don't know what to say. People look at me, they might know me, might not, but I'm that mother who lost her baby. I'm have on a pair of ugly shoes worn by only a mother who has lost a child. I'm fragile, I'm sheer. You can look right through me, somedays there's nothing there. I am this deflated balloon. A sailboat with no wind. When I am in a crowd full of people.

My shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


  1. Some things just don't mean as much to me anymore. And putting effort into friendships is just simply not that important. It is all a matter of perspective and unfortunately our perspectives have changed since losing our babies. Thinking of you.

  2. Losing a baby truly changes every relationship. I like how you said you are carefree with friendships. When you lose a child, it takes everything inside of you to survive, let alone protect friendships that are not deeply rooted. I completely understand. I encourage you to keep doing what you have to do for you. True friends will stick around and you will form new friendships that will be stronger than those you lost. Your poem is beautiful.