Saturday, November 14, 2009

A good day

I have to write about this because I can't believe how good it made me feel...
Reese had a birthday party to go to so with Patric off on a day hunting trip, the rest of us piled into the car, Karly willing, Emma not-so. I won a very rare dressing fight with Reese when he pulled out from the depths of his dresser a pair of red polyester gym pants (for play) that were about 3 inches too short and a blue Old Navy rash guard (to wear with swim trunks) size 18-24 months. Sorry dude, not this time. After finally getting dressed, he was excited to go.
Anyway, most of the moms at the party are fairly close friends of mine so it was nice to spend the time visiting while the kids all played together. One of the other moms is pregnant, due in four weeks. I know her and have seen her since I had Chase so though I was not expecting to see her today, she is a really sweet person and it was nice to see her and talk preggo with her. I love talking about babies and pregnancies but these days, it has to be in the right or I usually don't open up. Typical pregancy topics came up and we were talking about being pregnant with girls versus being pregnant with boys. She doesn't know the sex (which I love) and so we were giving our "expert advice" on ways we could all tell the sex of our kids in hindsight. In one single statement I made in the group, I felt a warmth and comfort come over me that I haven't felt in a long time. I had made several comments about my pregnancies each time, with my living kids, carefully choosing my words. Then I blurted out something about being pregnant with the girls and then said, "and when I was pregnant with the boys...."
It rolled off my tongue and I absolutely loved saying it. It sounds so silly but it made me feel so good to say that....and be heard....and have it fit in with a normal conversation with everyone else....and pretend. For a split second. That I do have boys.
It's hard. So incredibly hard. To parent an angel baby. And I think where I was coming from with my last post was that I am feeling inadequate in loving my child. I can love him with all my heart until my dying day, which I do. I love him to the ends of this earth, to the moon and back, to all the stars and back. But I can't love him with my kisses. I can't love him with my hugs. I can't love him with my famous mommy touches....a look, a touch, a whisper, an all ecompassing band-aid that fixes every hurt or sadness that ever comes his way. And that is hard. I can't physically love him and I need to so incredibly bad. This is where the mind and the heart absolutely cannot make up for what the body can do. But I'm so glad I got to talk about you today to my friends. I'm so glad I got to share a bit about you and feel like a normal person for a moment. Because you deserve it. And so do I.
I love you Chase.


  1. I had a moment like this last weekend. I was talking to a pregnant acquaintance at a b-day party. I was asking who her OB was. When she told me, I told her that she delivered Emma and the twins. I too said it without hesitating. She heard me and we kept going on with the akwardness, at least not that I sensed. It feels so good to be able to talk about our babies in these simple ways. xx

  2. Beautiful beautiful post, Christy! I am so glad you got this moment. I know what you mean about parenting an angel baby, it is hard. Moments like these are priceless when others will listen.


  3. Oh Christy this is beautiful. Abosolutly beautifull, brings tears to my eyes. I'm so glad you got that moment, that Chase's life blessed you with that moment.

    "So incredibly hard. To parent an angel baby."

    I can't imagine... I love that you know your parenting journy is still alive...that you are parenting Chase, just in a a different way, a very hard way, but still parenting. Such beauty in your words, such beauty in your parenting of your girls and your boys. I pray those moments come more and more your way! <3

  4. That is amazing. It's a blessing to parent an angel baby. For a spolit second while I was carrying Vayden I wondered what I would say and how I would talk about Vayden when asked. I made up my mind that he is and will always be my son, my baby. Like a mother of a 22 yr old will always say "that's my baby" For a split second I wondered if I would offend ppl, and once that second was over I realized who cares about them. I love my baby.

    I'm so glad to hear this from you, it really warms my heart.

  5. I love it when I can talk about Carleigh in a normal conversation and it not be awkward. I'm glad you had one of those moments. It is hard to be the mommy of a sweet angel. Most of the world thinks we should be "over them" aka forget them. That will never be the case. They'll always be our sweet babies who we love so much.

  6. Hi Christy, I know I don't know you very well but you story have touched me so much. On my MVOA blog I am paying forward an MVOA t-shirt to you I just need you to email me at


  7. HUGS to you. I love those rare but heart warming moments we get, usually when we need them the most.

  8. I wish there was a book, or a guide to teach us how to parent a baby who has to parent our living children after a death. Nothing is ever simple, or easy in this "new" life. *hugs*