Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Fresh Wound

Today seemed to be tougher than normal. Maybe because I was by myself and in the car for most of it. This was my choice, however, and I found myself talking to Chase a lot. And thinking a lot. The wound, it seems, is so fresh. I think it is always going to be that way. Or just beneath the surface. Tears are not very far away no matter what I do. To complete strangers I look, act, seem "normal." But I am so not. I miss him so dearly and it hurts so badly how much I miss him.
I know I am not alone. My family misses him, too. Those near and far. I hurt for them, they hurt for us. And all the while, we must somehow get through the day, the weeks, the holidays...
I haven't talked to my mom in a while. That is strange. And what is even more strange, is I don't know why. I used to call her up at work during the day at the drop of a much flour do I put in this recipe?....can I cook this chicken after it sat out for over an hour?....guess what Reese just did?.... A million different questions only Mom knows the answer to. But I don't do that anymore. Do I have all the answers? No. Do I think to call when I need them? I don't really think....I just figure it out or find a way. Stories are not deemed to be shared anymore, I guess. I still love her--she knows that. It's unconditional. But my focus is shifted. It's about Patric and the kids. ALL THE TIME. It's about Chase. It's about me. It's about us. We live in our world and lean on each other so much that I must have fallen out of that "middle place". The place between being a mother and someone else's daughter. (I'm reading the book by that name--and tragically, some of it I understand all too well.) I have "grown up". Even though I really never wanted to. I would rather rely on others the way I used to. Not try to answer everything by myself. But the answers I need no one knows. No one who hasn't been through this. That's the biggest part of me that has changed.
I want to share this picture that my blogger friend Holly sent me. She wrote his name on a leaf and I am very grateful for her thoughtfulness. I love seeing Chase's name, my Chase's name. It's precious to me.
Another blogger friend of mine, Stephanie, has done something very nice for me, too. I will post that when it comes. Thank you girls, and all of those out there in bloggerland who have thought about my baby boy. Your words of support are comforting. I hope to help others the way they have helped me.
We are heading out of town for Thanksgiving. I am really looking forward to this trip. We have a lot planned and will be in the company of some wonderful family and friends. The kids love cousin time. I will have mixed emotions as I will be seeing who is not there before I see who all is there. But I love my nieces and nephews and can't wait to see them. And my sisters and mom.....this time together has been very anticipated. This will be a great week. Happy Thanksgiving!


  1. I'm having some rough days with things resurfacing. I'm not sure why lately has been so hard, but instead of somewhat moving forward with my "new" life, I feel like i've been thrown back to day 1. It sucks, and it hurts.

    Have a great mini vacation, you deserve it. I hope it brings you many smiles and lots of laughter.


  2. My name is Ali, I have just recently began to follow your blog; your positivity and abilty to cope amazes me in the same way own has and continues. Losing a child is never an easy things, but the way many of my friends (or now-friends), and myself have been able to cope amazes me in many many ways. I love my experiences and the friends, but I still wish this never had happened; I'd give anything for my son back. This wasn't supposed to be about me though, this was to say something much more.

    I read your post, and a few others.. I do not have any children that are aliv; Jayden was my only, and he was 18 months old when he passed. So obviouslly, we have different siuations; but, I understand so much of what you are saying that I cried. I too feel as if everyday I continue to be the same way, feeling the same emotions, working in circles in a good way to desribe it. The pain hurts so so bad; and it doesn't seem to ease. I feel like I have completely blocked out my outside world without even trying, because all I am trying to do is survive.

    I understand, and I'm here.
    <3 Ali

  3. alone time in the car is all about Janessa. My mind just races & I find myself driving through my town half the time with tears falling down my cheeks. I live in a small town so I am sure I have passed by people who know me & prob can figure out why I am crying. I can't seem to control my emotions when I finally have down time to just think. I hope you have a wonderful family visit.

  4. I find that when Im alone in my car driving I do the same thing. I meditate on Bryston, talk to him, sing to him and just plain miss him. Im not sure why my car has sort of become my grieving place of late. Have a great time on your trip!

  5. I tend to cry and think more deeply when I am in my car alone. I feel for you as so many of your feelings and emotions are ones that I am experiencing. I am thinking about you and your family. I sent you an email yesterday hoping to put a smile on your face. Hope it worked.


  6. It's nice to read that I'm not the only one driving around town with tears rolling down my cheeks. What other drivers must think? I hope you enjoy your holidays - I know they will be hard - but I'm sure your other children will bring a smile to your face just as my daughter does to mine.

  7. Happy Thanksgiving to you! Thinking of your Chase.

    The picture is beautiful and so sweet! That sort of happened with my mom and me. I used to call her at the drop of a hat too, but somehow things have shifted. I love her dearly and she does me too, but it's like I have "grown up". The dependency has all been redirected onto my husband. It's bittersweet.

    Love to the sky

  8. Hello, I have just started reading your blog.... I was partially raised in Ruidoso and was looking for blogs about the area and came across yours. Your blog is beautiful and filled with much love.

    I hope you don't mind me stopping in again. I live in Germany and miss the states very much... Btw, you are always welcome to read my blog.


  9. Thinking of you! Wishing you peace and you sort out this 'new' normal- I know what you mean abuot long drives and sometimes that pain being just below the surface.

  10. Chase is not alone. He is having thanksgiving with all of the angel babies and they are all looking down upon us thankful for the short time they did have with us... for those lucky enough to have any time at all. My Joseph had the same event at birth as Chase. I miss my son but feel comforted to know he is not alone and we are not alone and you are amazing and We are thankful for love.

  11. A lot of my alone time is in the car. That's when I think about things a lot. It was an honor to write Chase's name. I hope you had a good time with family.