I feel it coming on again. It comes in waves. Sometimes I don't know why or what brings it on. Hormones, certain days of the month, something specific the kids say or something specific I am doing with the kids. Or Time. I have an enlargement (it's pretty big) of Chase that is framed and in my bedroom and I love looking at it and talking to him. Reese says, with a wrinkled nose, "it's kinda disgusting, though, mom, you know, cuz the blood." Unfortunately I don't have any photos of Chase without tubes and I my favorite photo happens to show the tube that was removing blood from his g-tract. I don't care, though, it shows his angelic perfect-ness, how perfectly beautiful he was. I can see past the tubes. I hope one day Reese can.
I've been thinking about a lot of things. I think a lot about those 3 days we had Chase and then about the very awkward, dark & gloomy days afterward. It's not fun to think about, but there are times when I make myself remember them. I knew not much of what was going on. I did not know what to do or how to act...I was on automatic I guess. The girls wanted to sing a song for their brother at the funeral service. I was not sure about this. But soon, they decided they didn't want to sing together, they wanted to sing their own songs. I specifically asked Emma to sing if she could make it through the song because she has a beautiful voice and I thought it would be an appropriate message from us to Chase. Karly, I didn't expect quite so much from and really did not think she'd actually go through with her song. I did not want the service to turn in to Karly & Emma's "talent show". I feared this because the girls love to sing. They sing all the time in their room. They plug the iPod in, grab the mics and they have at it. I get to hear them while I'm getting dinner ready, folding laundry, cleaning--whatever, I'm doing, I love to hear them blasting their favorite Hanna Montana songs and singing away. Reese has joined in, too, and though he doesn't memorize well, he'll get 1 out of 20 or so words and does not leave out any of the dramatic body language that his sisters have taught him during these "home concert nights".
So this is why I was concerned about the girls singing at the funeral. But having said that, I did not say no. Patric was very supportive of both girls, had heard them both sing the songs, prepared the music, practiced at the church with them and even stood by Karly at the funeral as she sang next to the casket. You see, there is no perfect funeral, or fear for a perfect funeral, I should say. My wedding--it had to be perfect. Chase's funeral, I didn't care what anyone else thought, I wanted the girls to do what they wanted to do. And their reasons were right. They wanted to sing a song to their baby brother.
So, my concern was if this was appropriate. But it was. I was so appropriate. I told Patric the other day while we were listening to them sing to the radio that having them sing at the funeral was the most fitting part of the service. Chase had heard them sing so many times before he was born, it was necessary that they sing to him one last time. And it was beautiful. The girls both did a wonderful job. The songs were beautiful and the girls were beautiful. It was a very touching moment. It's very hard for me to listen to those songs yet because that day was very dark for me. It makes me nauseous to think of that day. I get so sad. But I am so glad that my girls sang to their brother. I am so glad that they chose the songs they did to sing. I know it meant a lot to each of them to get to do that. And it means even more to me now that they did. It was perfect.