Friday, July 3, 2009

Facebook Facades

I finally deleted my facebook account. I'm done with it. I enjoyed facebook a great deal a few months before Chase died when I reconnected with friends from college that I had not talked to for many old roommate, for example. Facebook is great for that. I recommend it to anyone. You can easily and effortlessly maintain those old friendships from your past that would have otherwise existed probably only at class reunions.

However, I quickly learned the other reason that a lot of people use facebook....for the facade it allows you to have. Don't get me wrong--a blog can very easily be a facade, too. And in fact, everyone knows that what you read in a blog is and can be diluted or dressed up just as well. But the good blogs you find if you search enough, are the ones that tell wtih great honesty and truth the struggles that people are tackling day-by-day to live their lives. And you might be fortunate enough to find someone out there that actually is experiencing what you are in your life and how they deal helps you deal. There's just comfort in knowing that you're not the only one--and reading someone else's thoughts and struggles helps.

For one, I am not a friend seeker and according to Facebook, I only have 29 to begin with; but hey, that's a lot to me. Anyone that knows me knows that I think the best friendships are low maitenence ones. I don't have to see you or call you every day to be your friend, nor you mine. There are friends that live in the same town as me that I see as often as friends that live thousands of miles away, but when we get together, it's like picking up where we left off and I really enjoy spending time with them. I used Facebook for those long-distance friendships that I previously maintained through emails, Christmas cards and occasional phone calls, but I did appreciate the ease of getting an update on them sporadically through Facebook. I never saw the need to get constant updates from people who live in my same small town on Facebook--email worked for that, or better yet, seeing them in person or a quick phone call if it was that important. I'm not a facebook status updater, a quiz taker, a dog owner looking for friends for my dog, or a game player; it just wasn't my cup of tea.

Though I know Facebook is also a simple communication tool for some, I never appreciated the lack of privacy on Facebook. Until I learned how to control that, I was irritated at updates from people whom I never even knew, or worse yet, didn't want to know, that would splash across my computer screen. The reason I was irritated about this was because of my own faults. I'm a snoopy person. I always have been. So one click leads to another, and then the next thing I know I feel like I am spying on someone--looking through a peephole into their personal photos, personal messages, personal itineraries; heck, I've found dogs on facebook that have more friends than I do--now that takes snooping to a whole 'nother level.

With the facade that Facebook allows you to live, though, each peep hole has a neon sign hanging above it saying, "here I am" or, rather, "this is who I want you to think I am". And instead of using Facebook to keep up with old friends, all of a sudden, I needed Facebook to spy on people. People who have hurt me, and my family. People I thought were on "my side." And it pains me to see their facebook utopia so-called life posted for everyone to see, going on like ever before. Stroking others only to get stroked in return. I agree it can be fun & make you feel good, but since losing Chase, and worse yet, how I lost him, the hardest thing to do is to look around the world...and see everyone living their lives as they do every day while mine is completely shattered in pieces. I live in shock that my world has stopped, but everyone else's has inevitably kept moving.

For me, Facebook was more than I needed to know. And some of it I knew was not real. For some, it could be needed comfort. For me, emails and text messages work better. I want to surround myself with people who bring me up, not down. And snooping around on Facebook is ultimately just bringing me down. What I need to worry about is in front of me. I will still keep up with old friends....far-away friends.... true friends (I hope you know who you are and how much I appreciate you not giving up on me), and they can still find me on the internet....somewhere. But it won't be Facebook anymore.

Edited to add: This is only my opinion--I am not judging anyone or am trying to offend anyone (if anyone even reads this!) This is me venting my "I don't care" attitude that I acquired, coincidentally, about 10 weeks ago.


  1. I read. I've never posted before. I have not lost a child so I do not know your pain. My heart does break for you and the other moms who've lost their precious babies. I understand what you mean about the FB facade though on a different level. I wrote a post on my blog about how so many people don't want to go under the suface of that public facade they show to get to know the "real". I am an open,empathetic, emotional woman and I think I scare people away because it is too "real". I sometimes post deep things on FB and they generally are the ones that don't get responses...but the ones about what I made for supper get tons. Makes no sense to me. So I've learned to try and use my blog for my emotions and leave the rest on the surface...but when your talkin about a life, about your child, I don't know how I could skim over them...I don't know that I could be on the surface ever again. I'm so sorry your going through all of this. I hope it was ok I posted. I want you to know I read, I cry, I pray and I remember. I lit a candle specifically for Chase on Oct 15, I put pics on my blog. He is remembered and your are cyber (((hugged))).

  2. Hi Christy,

    What honest words. I agree so much. I have a FB account and I just went through and hid all of my friends that are pregnant. I am utterly flabbergasted that their lives are moving on and here I am, stuck in my pain. I don't blame them for it and I want their babies to live. It's just... well, you know.

    Hugs, Christy