man in the mirror

I am truly blessed in my life, I know that. I always have been. I am very lucky to have Patric, who loves me and will live his life to the fullest with me. My kids, I have said a million times, are a blessing that I count every single day, even my little angel in heaven. My mom & dad, sisters, in-laws all love me and are a huge part of my life. They, like me, are not perfect, but we lean on each other when our imperfections are overwhelming us and we need each other for a pick-me-up. I don't think I could be more loved. Well, I take that back. The love that Chase would have given me is unmeasurable and that is precisely why I miss him so much and why I have a hole in my heart. But what I am trying to say is that I am surrounded by people who love me and whom I love. My friends are also wonderful and I appreciate the limitless opportunities of the internet to allow friendships to grow and help nurture each other when distance or our lives in general often separates us.

So I am blessed. I have many reasons to think this. But why is it, then, that when I look in the mirror, I see a stranger? I see someone different than I've known for the past 36 years. Sometimes she really looks tired, bags under her eyes, beaten. She looks sad. She looks happy. But her eyes have something in them that is less than whole. She has begun a journey that she never would have in her wildest dreams thought she would be traveling. She is going somewhere she doesn't know. She looks lost. I wish the old me would come back. But that mean Chase would be here, and that just isn't going to happen.

I look at pictures of our family, old pictures, recent pictures, before Chase was born and after Chase was born. What I see in these pictures is different now than when I used to look at them. My life has been severed into two fragments. A timeline of before and after Chase was taken from us. I am almost sad in a way to look at pictures from Easter, just a few days before he was born. The smiles on teh kids' faces are innocent, unscathed, unknowing of what will take place in 2 days. They reflect a happiness I long for now. They remind me of a family with nothing to lose or everything to lose. I see purity in those pictures--who we used to be. Because when I look at pictures that I took yesterday or last week or last month, they are not the same people. The smiles are not the same as they were. This is from my eyes, though, most probably don't see it. Because through my eyes, everything is different now. It will never be the same. I can not go back and put my life back together the way it was. Even looking in the mirror is hard. And I have yet to become familiar or comfortable with this new reflection.