Friday, July 10, 2009

Missing him

We are approaching 3 months since we lost Chase. Somedays it is getting "easier" but somedays it is harder--and harder in a new way. Most of the time the events that happened on Chase's birthday and the week after are a whirlwind in my mind. They are what I remember about Chase. They are Chase, in essence. It's hard to separate all the feelings of so much that happened in such a short time. That is a whole lot of darkness, sadness, trauma, anxiety--a whole lot of everything that is now a grieving process. We were hit by this tidal wave on April 14th and the waves continue to keep crashing in. Sometimes I can jump them, sometimes I can ride them, and sometimes they take me completely under. I don't know that any of it is getting easier, but I am getting used to it and the fact that the waves are very unpredictable.
This morning, though, I felt differently. A wave hit me, and it hit me hard. But the feeling was not from remembering & reliving the devastating 4 days of having and losing Chase. The feeling was very specifically about my dear, sweet little boy. I feel a very heavy, heavy pain of missing him. I feel the unberable burden of losing one of my kids. I have 4 kids and 1 of them is gone. I miss him so much. I loved him so much that short time that I had him. We talk about him so often and I see his pictures so much and look at his things every day and all this makes me love him more and more every day. I feel "in love" with him the way a mother or a father does with your new child. But this morning, I felt the pain of that being taken away from me. It is a pain like no other. It is suffocating. Living with it does not get easier, or at least it hasn't yet. Though I can't predict when my "moments" will come on, I can feel them coming on and it usually gives me enough time to make them private moments--or at least make sure Patric is with me to help me through them.
I exercise a lot and I always think of Chase while I'm doing it and sometimes the endorphins send me into a catharcism of tears. But I'd much rather think about him, even if it makes me sad, than not think about him. Not thinking about him scares me that I'll forget and that is the worst feeling for a parent who has lost a child. Reading other blogs from parents who have suffered this kind of loss and learning that many other parents feel the same way makes me feel not so alone...but it doesn't make that feeling go away.
So today I'm trying to ride the storm out. I'm not sure when the big waves will hit, but I'm no longer a stranger to this ride. I will be riding it the rest of my days.


  1. I cannot imagining wanting to do anything but reclaim the sensation of being with Chase. I ache to know what to say beyond I am thinking of you all.

  2. Your recent post made me think of this verse and subsequent interpretation from the bible. "In all their affliction He was afflicted; His love and in His pity He redeemed them." Isaiah 63:9 Interpretation; He Himself is afflicted because he understands like no one else can. Your sufferring is His. Your grief is His. Your tears are on His face." Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daugher.) God bless

  3. You posted a comment on my blog yesterday. ( I was shocked to see that anyone actually reads it..ha ha)
    Thank you for your words! Today is the one year anniversary of our son, Ethan's death. My blog is a new thing for me. I've spent the last year burying my emotions. Trying to stay strong for the kids. My blog has trully become my safe place. My place to let the pain out. Your life is never the same after you lose a child. There is forever an empty space where they should be. I don't have to tell you that though. Your living it. I am so sorry for your family's loss. For your pain. I don't have anything eloquent or beautiful to say to you. And most of it doesn't meean alot in the first few months. I just wanted to thank you for leaving me some very beautiful words of support. I really needed it today.
    I wish you peace, love and support through your journey of grief. If you ever need a friend....your welcome to come visit me anytime!:)
    Hugs and love to you and your beautiful family!

  4. I go out walking with my Sunshine and for the most part it is quiet time for my mind. Inevitably, though, my thoughts always drift to my sister and I have ended up in tears more than once. My body is going through the motions, one foot in front of the other, and my mind is trapped with my grief.

    I'm so sorry for you and your family. Such a sad loss for all of you.

  5. I am approaching the 3 month mark now, years after you. Reading what you have written and I am just nodding along as that is how I am feeling now. I too have photographs of my beautiful baby boy hooked up to all sorts of things in the NICU, my chubby fullterm baby so much bigger than the preemies there, but so much sicker.

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your Chase.