We are approaching 3 months since we lost Chase. Somedays it is getting "easier" but somedays it is harder--and harder in a new way. Most of the time the events that happened on Chase's birthday and the week after are a whirlwind in my mind. They are what I remember about Chase. They are Chase, in essence. It's hard to separate all the feelings of so much that happened in such a short time. That is a whole lot of darkness, sadness, trauma, anxiety--a whole lot of everything that is now a grieving process. We were hit by this tidal wave on April 14th and the waves continue to keep crashing in. Sometimes I can jump them, sometimes I can ride them, and sometimes they take me completely under. I don't know that any of it is getting easier, but I am getting used to it and the fact that the waves are very unpredictable.
This morning, though, I felt differently. A wave hit me, and it hit me hard. But the feeling was not from remembering & reliving the devastating 4 days of having and losing Chase. The feeling was very specifically about my dear, sweet little boy. I feel a very heavy, heavy pain of missing him. I feel the unberable burden of losing one of my kids. I have 4 kids and 1 of them is gone. I miss him so much. I loved him so much that short time that I had him. We talk about him so often and I see his pictures so much and look at his things every day and all this makes me love him more and more every day. I feel "in love" with him the way a mother or a father does with your new child. But this morning, I felt the pain of that being taken away from me. It is a pain like no other. It is suffocating. Living with it does not get easier, or at least it hasn't yet. Though I can't predict when my "moments" will come on, I can feel them coming on and it usually gives me enough time to make them private moments--or at least make sure Patric is with me to help me through them.
I exercise a lot and I always think of Chase while I'm doing it and sometimes the endorphins send me into a catharcism of tears. But I'd much rather think about him, even if it makes me sad, than not think about him. Not thinking about him scares me that I'll forget and that is the worst feeling for a parent who has lost a child. Reading other blogs from parents who have suffered this kind of loss and learning that many other parents feel the same way makes me feel not so alone...but it doesn't make that feeling go away.
So today I'm trying to ride the storm out. I'm not sure when the big waves will hit, but I'm no longer a stranger to this ride. I will be riding it the rest of my days.