So much love...

Here are a couple pictures I just had to post.  I know I'm biased but Owen is the most beautiful babe in the world (well, tied fifth, anyway--with his brothers & sisters!).  I am breathing him in with every kiss, every whisper, every smell of his sweet skin.  Loving him with my entire being.  And there is no way in the world to do this without, at the same time, thinking about Chase.  Sometimes these are happy thoughts, remembering his smell in the isolette, his soft skin, his feathery hair.  As I was taking this first picture, I was talking to Owen.  And when I talk to him, I'm usually right in his face, my mouth right next to his ear or at his cheek.  Talking, breathing, smelling him all at the same time.  And as I was leaning over the crib, bent down next to his face, I was taken back.  Back to those few days when Chase was the one I was bending over the crib talking to.  I remember talking to him just the same as I talk to Owen now, but he did not respond to me.  I begged, pleaded with him to fight for us because we wanted, needed him with us.  I remember leaning over to him talking to him thinking that I could actually fix him if he just heard my voice, felt my breath, smelled my skin.  That these things would wake him up and he would just all of a sudden open his eyes and look at me, smile at me, cry, something.  Anything.  All he needed was his momma, I thought.  I remembered this as I spoke to Owen and cried.  I asked Owen to tell his brother hi for me and to tell him to come visit me in my dreams soon.  The pain from missing Chase is just as strong now, maybe rekindled a little with Owen's arrival.  But mostly I am thankful.  Thankful to Chase that Owen is here.  And thankful to Owen that I can imagine some things more clearly now about Chase and think of things we missed out on and how wonderful they would have been.

Same....but different

Some days I still can't believe it.  I can't believe I'm not pregnant anymore....or that I may never be pregnant again--and I'm not sure after the c-section if I ever would go through that again!  Things are so fresh from the memories I have of Chase.  My house was cluttered with food, flowers, toiletries....just like it is now, but last time it was because we had lost our son.  People stopped by, brought dinners, just like last time, but it was because Chase died, this time it's the opposite.  The whole time we were in the hospital....it seemed like such a thin line between where we are currently traveling and where we had been just 22 months ago.  The only difference was that we had a bassinet in our room with a baby in it this time.  I had to pinch myself several times to realize what was happening before me....or to snap myself out of what had happened last time we went down this road.  This time it was just so happy.....last time it was so incredibly painful.   The difference between bringing a baby home and not bringing a baby home......and to know what both sides are like---it's almost surreal in itself.  You are constantly checking yourself, making sure it's not a dream....just like last time.....

I talk to Owen all the time about his brother.  I use him to talk to Chase....send messages to him for me....more directly than I could before Owen was here.  I use Owen to gauge Chase's growth that I couldn't before because I had no frame of reference.  Now, my little frame of reference is staring me right back in the face.  And I can't deny him.  Chase was here so much for me to get through the pregnancy with Owen.  Now Owen is here to help me on my grief cycles with Chase again.  Kinda weird how they "piggyback" on each other....guess that's what brothers do.  I picked up Chase's footprints and held them next to Owen's and guess what?  They were the exact.same.size.  I can't even begin to put into words how I miss my little boy.  Or how much I love my newest little boy.  These two are part of each other.  Just like we all are part of each other.  But these two are connected--extra special.  I can feel it.  I know Owen can feel it.  And I look forward to nurturing that bond as he grows.  It won't be obsessive, or in a negative way.  Just in a loving, guardian angel sort of way.  That we are all protected by Chase in all we do.  

We are so happy--I couldn't be more so about our family.  We are so very full of love.  We have a full house, a full car...I'm not sure what more we could ask for.  Though we miss our little boy more than anything, we are thankful for him.  For the gift he brought us.  For the gift he continues to bring us each and every day.  Welcome little Owen, to a family full of life and love and happiness.  May you share in these with us and continue to teach us more about your brother that we never got to know. 

Owen Chase Pearson

We welcomed our 5th born Friday morning, February 11th at 8:34 am.  More details to come but I just wanted to announce his long awaited arrival and thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes during this rainbow journey.  Each one of us exhaled, so to speak, with Owen's birth.  Here are some pictures.

This event was very emotional for all of us.  I can't begin to tell how excited we are to have Owen home with us and how blessed we feel.  Chase was part of this event in many ways; he protected us, he prepared us, he taught us how to love another one again.  There is sadness in our hearts that Chase could not be a part of this, but yet we know that Owen wouldn't be here if we had Chase.  Knowing this we love Owen with all our hearts.  He is part of our family, just as Chase is.  He will grown with us and he will share with us all the love in our hearts and then some.

Dates

When you have monumental moments in your life, you recognize dates.  Just the same as if these moments are tragedies.  And those dates are triggers.  When you see those dates, many thoughts come back.  For a long time after Chase died, every expiration date I read on groceries, medicine, frozen foods, mail packages....I referenced each of them to Chase.  Before or after.  Or on some occasions, the date was Chase's birthday, or his death date.  Or his due date.  For the last couple weeks, I have been seeing dates, thinking about those triggers.  Or hearing dates.  When I see or hear about something on or after February 11th, I think to myself, "is that going to be happy or sad for me?  Is that going to be before or after a tragedy?  How is our life going to be different at that time?"  I see that date a lot--it's on the milk cartons, the meat packages.  And I remember that feeling when Chase died.  I know I thought about it before he was born, too, and thought with excitement about how our life would be changed by that date and it would be so exciting.  I want to think the same now when I see February 11th, but those thoughts creep in and I wonder if my world will come crashing down by the time that milk is expired.  I don't make hair or dentist appointments, I don't sign up for baby emails, I don't do anything in advance of that date.  Because it is such a huge date for us that I need to let it get here.  If I anticipate it too much, I might be let down.  If I make plans afterward, I will remember that I set that appointment before......it happened.  

I know it sounds crazy.  As does much of what I blog about these last few weeks.  I guess it's just all those feelings and emotions that come along on this journey.  And most wouldn't understand.  But seeing these future dates have been bothering me for a while now....and there is nothing I can do about it.  Just get past it.  And of course I don't want to wish time away, because I have precious time on my hands right now.  Every day I am carrying this little boy is a gift.  I wouldn't give that up for the world.  But I know futures are uncertain.  And there is pain...just as there is happiness.  But I just don't know what is out there for us.  I know both sides....all too well.  And I don't want to see or hear another February 11th (or later) date, until I have mine.  And it is all good.

Scared

Many times I have set down to write this post and the words are hesitant or I am simply interrupted.   I don't have much time now, either so I'm typing this in hopes that I can get a little bit out of what I mean by this post title.  

I have read, with great interest, the posts of many other BLM's regarding their pregnancies of their rainbow babies.  I know there are several others out there that are on this journey and to hear their stories sometimes makes mine a little more understandable or easier to handle.  I am sitting here typing and can hear the three kids playing in their bedrooms laughing and giggling together and there is not a more beautiful noise in this world than this to me.  I love hearing them play together and I think about how lucky I am to have created that and to be able to raise them.  I think I should be grateful and so happy, which I am.  Totally.  Yet there is the whole that Chase left in our hearts.  That great emptiness that we all feel missing him so incredibly deeply, crying over him still to this day almost 21 months later, feeling the pain we felt the day he left us.  And so there is our rainbow baby....growing in my tummy, for all to see and to love and to feel his movements and to talk to.  And we all love him so much and are so excited for his arrival.  

But we are still scared.  Everyone of us.  Some show it more than others, but we all feel it.  Karly asked me last weekend while laying on my bed with me, "mom, what if we don't bring the baby home?"  I didn't know what to say.  Because I feel the same way.  She continued, "because if we don't, all this is a waste," pointing to all the baby clothes and things in the crib and around the room.  Tears spilled out of her eyes.  She looked sad.  Worried.  I said, "We'll deal with it Kar.  Because we have to and because we are strong.  But I know, I know that we will bring this baby home this time."  But I say that for her benefit because I see the pain and the fear in her eyes.  For me, on the other hand, I have a constant battle between my head and my heart.  My heart knows this baby is coming home with us, but my head knows that other things can happen....because they do.  Not always for any reason, sometimes for specific reasons.  This is life.  But as we get closer to this baby's due date, and we plan for his arrival, and we celebrate him....I feel more and more rooted in to the public side of this journey.  The part where others want to share in your happiness, celebrate your pregnancy and provide comfort for the culminating moments of birth.  There is no hiding it....in a small town anyway.  Everywhere I go, my belly precedes me and I don't want to be the woman who lost her baby again.  Some days I still can't believe I'm here.  Wearing the faces of pregnancy in front of the whole wide world.  When I lost Chase, I knew I wanted to get pregnant as soon as it was safe to do so.  But I didn't want to share it with anyone but my family.  I wanted to stay holed up in my house and not come out until I had a baby in my arms....and even then probably not much!  I hated being so broken in front of everyone.  I hated every flower delivery that came to the house...and there were so many.  I hated every card we received in the mail.  At the funeral, I felt so bad for everyone being so sad there and it was all because of us.  I know it is messed up to think this way, but I felt like in some ways, I had to let others grieve in their way so that I could then grieve in my own way...privately.    As far as a pregnancy, though, I just couldn't imagine going through another pregnancy and everyone seeing me progress....thinking the whole time that this was the baby "after the baby".  Not that I cared what anyone thought, just that I wanted to be alone, just us, in case something happened again.....and then there wouldn't be all the pain for everyone again.  

Crazy, I know.  It sounds ludicrous to type it out and I still can't even get it to make much sense to me.  I want this baby so bad....I just want a guarantee that if anyone gets hurt again, it's just me because I didn't share any of it with anyone else.  Because really, everyone just wants the best for you and they are, in at least some sense, putting their heart out there for you, too, to bring this one home.  Anything else would be nothing less than heartbreaking...all over again.  

And then there are the "things".  I didn't get rid of anything when Chase died.  I used the baby lotion I had (still using it actually) received at the shower and I still have all the baby diapers and wipes and even baby wash and of course the clothes. Some are packed away in his box or my shadow box but I knew in my heart that one day, Chase's little sibling would wear them so no way was I going to give them away. These things, though, stare at me every day.  They remind me what it feels like to not get to use them.  I can't do that again.  I can't.  I'm scared to death of that.  And so is Karly.  So I don't really know what to say to her.  Other than whatever lies ahead of us, we will face together....and we will come out of it together.  And in my heart of hearts, I know that we will get love this little one, physically, in our very own arms.  Very soon.