Thursday, February 17, 2011

Same....but different

Some days I still can't believe it.  I can't believe I'm not pregnant anymore....or that I may never be pregnant again--and I'm not sure after the c-section if I ever would go through that again!  Things are so fresh from the memories I have of Chase.  My house was cluttered with food, flowers, toiletries....just like it is now, but last time it was because we had lost our son.  People stopped by, brought dinners, just like last time, but it was because Chase died, this time it's the opposite.  The whole time we were in the seemed like such a thin line between where we are currently traveling and where we had been just 22 months ago.  The only difference was that we had a bassinet in our room with a baby in it this time.  I had to pinch myself several times to realize what was happening before me....or to snap myself out of what had happened last time we went down this road.  This time it was just so happy.....last time it was so incredibly painful.   The difference between bringing a baby home and not bringing a baby home......and to know what both sides are like---it's almost surreal in itself.  You are constantly checking yourself, making sure it's not a dream....just like last time.....

I talk to Owen all the time about his brother.  I use him to talk to Chase....send messages to him for me....more directly than I could before Owen was here.  I use Owen to gauge Chase's growth that I couldn't before because I had no frame of reference.  Now, my little frame of reference is staring me right back in the face.  And I can't deny him.  Chase was here so much for me to get through the pregnancy with Owen.  Now Owen is here to help me on my grief cycles with Chase again.  Kinda weird how they "piggyback" on each other....guess that's what brothers do.  I picked up Chase's footprints and held them next to Owen's and guess what?  They were the exact.same.size.  I can't even begin to put into words how I miss my little boy.  Or how much I love my newest little boy.  These two are part of each other.  Just like we all are part of each other.  But these two are connected--extra special.  I can feel it.  I know Owen can feel it.  And I look forward to nurturing that bond as he grows.  It won't be obsessive, or in a negative way.  Just in a loving, guardian angel sort of way.  That we are all protected by Chase in all we do.  

We are so happy--I couldn't be more so about our family.  We are so very full of love.  We have a full house, a full car...I'm not sure what more we could ask for.  Though we miss our little boy more than anything, we are thankful for him.  For the gift he brought us.  For the gift he continues to bring us each and every day.  Welcome little Owen, to a family full of life and love and happiness.  May you share in these with us and continue to teach us more about your brother that we never got to know. 


  1. Beautifully said, Christy!!!


  2. So thankful you have him, Christy. Praying that he bring a measure of comfort and healing to your wounded heart.