When you have monumental moments in your life, you recognize dates. Just the same as if these moments are tragedies. And those dates are triggers. When you see those dates, many thoughts come back. For a long time after Chase died, every expiration date I read on groceries, medicine, frozen foods, mail packages....I referenced each of them to Chase. Before or after. Or on some occasions, the date was Chase's birthday, or his death date. Or his due date. For the last couple weeks, I have been seeing dates, thinking about those triggers. Or hearing dates. When I see or hear about something on or after February 11th, I think to myself, "is that going to be happy or sad for me? Is that going to be before or after a tragedy? How is our life going to be different at that time?" I see that date a lot--it's on the milk cartons, the meat packages. And I remember that feeling when Chase died. I know I thought about it before he was born, too, and thought with excitement about how our life would be changed by that date and it would be so exciting. I want to think the same now when I see February 11th, but those thoughts creep in and I wonder if my world will come crashing down by the time that milk is expired. I don't make hair or dentist appointments, I don't sign up for baby emails, I don't do anything in advance of that date. Because it is such a huge date for us that I need to let it get here. If I anticipate it too much, I might be let down. If I make plans afterward, I will remember that I set that appointment before......it happened.
I know it sounds crazy. As does much of what I blog about these last few weeks. I guess it's just all those feelings and emotions that come along on this journey. And most wouldn't understand. But seeing these future dates have been bothering me for a while now....and there is nothing I can do about it. Just get past it. And of course I don't want to wish time away, because I have precious time on my hands right now. Every day I am carrying this little boy is a gift. I wouldn't give that up for the world. But I know futures are uncertain. And there is pain...just as there is happiness. But I just don't know what is out there for us. I know both sides....all too well. And I don't want to see or hear another February 11th (or later) date, until I have mine. And it is all good.