A blog award

My friend Karol, at Loving Laynee, has put my name on her list as an award winner.  What a compliment!  I love Karol's blog but hate that she ever found me or I found her in the ways we did.  This tragic history we share has brought us comfort...in knowing there was someone out there who felt exactly the same way, which seems impossible.  I am very thankful for this community for this reason and hope that I have offered at least some of the same comforts to those who have given me so much.  These 10 blogs I check up on at any given moment, pretty regularly.  But there are so many others.  Some were on Karol's list, so I tried not to duplicate.  Some I check in on to see how big their rainbow babies are.  Some I just visit every now and then.  But they all helped me.  When I first found this community, I would get "lost" easily in cyberspace, wandering around from blog to blog, bookmarking or following so many of them.  Because we are all on the same journey.  The journey varies from person to person, but the pain is so familiar.  So I hope these 10 bloggers feel as complimented as I did in receiving this acknowledgement from a friend who sadly, but gracefully, walks in the same shoes.

Here are the rules:
1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.


Looking for Blue Sky
Have You Seen The Insanity
Caring for Carleigh
The Happy Sad Mama
Footprints on Our Hearts
Living Life Without Sophia and Ellie
Through My Mother's Eyes...Vayden's Story
Missing Mackenzie
Love Reign Over Me
Two In Heaven, One on Earth

Always like this

It's never a long period of time that passes when I don't read a post on one of my babyloss mom's blogs about a milestone that was reached. A year since the birth, the death, the due date....and I look at my calendar and see 1 year, 4 months 3 weeks and 2 days since Chase went to heaven. I can't believe it has been that long. A year ago I never thought of this day. I was trudging through each day as the sun rose, but I certainly did not have on my mind what my life would be like when Chase had been gone for a year and more. I didn't want to think of that time. I remember feeling like I was drowning because I wanted time to stop and because with each passing day, I felt like he was slipping further and further away from me.

This is the worst feeling, speaking from my experience, as someone who has lost a baby. When there are only so many memories to hold on to, and even fewer sweet, precious moments type of memories, to hold on to the legacy of your little one. There is an immense longing to see my little boy as a toddler. I wonder who he would look like, probably just like his big brother, but I will never know for sure. When I see babies that I suppose are near Chase's age, I always try to guess. First how old they are, then what my baby must look and act like.

I have not had the dreams I thought I would have had by now. I may have dreamt about Chase, though, and not remembered it. I had a dream a few nights ago....one that is fading because it was so.....real.....so...weird.....and so scary once I woke up. I can't remember much of it now but I remember having a baby, that I think was Chase, because it was Chase's age, but I don't remember the face. This baby was in a crib or bassinett or casket, or something, laying there, lifeless. There was another baby tinier, laying in another bed, too, lifeless. I'm sure the older one was Chase, because I had "kept" him. Somehow. Since he died. And eventually, he gasped and started breathing. And I just picked him up and held him and cried. And cried and cried. That's all I remember about my dream. I think the little baby took a breath, too, in my dream. They both "came to life". Right before my eyes. It was a very disturbing dream. I long so dearly to hold my sweet Chase, to feel him moving and hear him and touch him. And I got him back in this dream. I didn't get to "see" him really, I don't remember a face or any details...other than him coming to life finally.....after laying there this whole time....this past year plus. And I don't remember much about the other baby, either. Just that he, too, had started breathing.

And as I checkup on my BLM friends and read their stories, I realize that we are moving on, our lives continue. But then again, we are stuck. In a time when we try to remember our babies. A place where we forever will be.....until we are with them again some day.

I miss Chase as much today as I did the day he left us. I feel differently, my struggles are different, but I still ache for him. I look at his picture every day and though some times I just see the picture, there are other times when I take myself back to that very point in time....trying so hard to remember more than what is in the photograph. Wishing, still, I had more. Because as these days pass, I do feel further away from him. The pain not so sharp, but dull and everlasting. And maybe, maybe some day soon, I'll get a visit from him in a dream I can hold onto.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader...

I woke up feeling off today.  Not like anything is wrong, health-wise at least, just off key.  Out of balance.  Not balance like I have too much of one thing to do and not enough of another thing....out of balance....with the universe, or something like that.  I was a little concerned feeling this way, and then we had my 5th grader's literature assignment.

She read a little story by Leo Tolstoy, a Russian author for those of you who have ever heard of him, of works like War and Peace.  It's called The Three Questions and is about this king who is looking for someone to answer three questions for him:  1) Who is most important person to you? 2) When is the right time to do something? and 3) What is the most important thing to do?  

Wow, when I read that, I thought, "man, could that be any more precise than if I wrote them myself?"  I/we have been struggling with #2 & #3 pretty adamantly lately.  When raising a family, these are very common questions we as parents ask.  And if we knew the answer....if we only knew the answer.  

Well the king was determined to find the answers.  And when he didn't get them from his people, he left to seek out an old wise man to help him.  (This was too familiar and freaky to me because feeling so off-kilter this morning I had a passing thought while I was eating breakfast that maybe I should talk to a psychic.)  He took off his cloak and his crown and left them at his horse and walked up to the hut of an old hermit.  This wise old hermit was busy digging holes in his garden and would not answer his questions, though, so the king took the shovel and began digging for him.  He finished digging the holes and then asked the questions of the hermit again and no answer.  Then a man came running at them with blood coming from his chest and his hand covering a wound and the king stopped the bleeding and took care of the man until he fell asleep.  The king himself was so tired he, too fell asleep. 

The next day the injured man woke up and told the king to forgive him but the king had nothing to forgive him for.  Turns out the man had set out to kill the king because his brother had been killed and he could no longer afford the taxes so he had followed the king into the forest but got caught instead by some knights who attacked him.  The king, however, this deed unbeknownst to him, took care of him and saved his life. 

So the king then asks the hermit again why he won't answer his questions and the hermit tells him that the king has answered the questions himself already.

I'll skip a short explanation here and end the story with the last paragraph:

"Remember then: there is only one important time---Now.  It is important because it is the only time when we are masters of ourselves.  And the most important man is he with whom you are, for no one can know whether or not he will ever have dealings with any other man.  And the most important thing to do is to do good to him, since it is for that purpose alone that man was sent into his life."

 Somehow this story put some balance back into me.  I can hardly explain it, but having this discussion with my daughters about what this story means to me, at my ripe old age, helped me teach a lesson to them that I really felt was meant for me.  And hearing them repeat the lesson to me in their own words was priceless to me.  Now to grasp this is a whole new level of learning.  Because I never thought I'd be searching for these answers at this point in my life.  But I know that what matters is the present time.  And whether we are by ourselves or with someone, we must give that person our best of who we are because we never know if we'll get another moment with them or ever meet them again or what their story is.  It's not everyday that I wake up excited to teach homeschool, I'll be honest.  And today was one of them.  But I am so glad I got to be a part of this lesson.  This lesson I will continue to learn, the rest of my life.

School begins

Tomorrow Reese starts school....and as usual, I will miss him.  The first day of kindergarten, when I'm sending one of my kids, is always one of the saddest days for me.  He is a little apprehensive, but very excited to be with his friends, I know.  He'd rather stay in the comfort of home, but knows this is his next journey he will embark on.  So off another little Pearson heads to school.  And the next Pearson, well, he'll never get to.  I am sad for this, too.  The kids should all be in school during the days, Chase home with mom, waiting to pick them up every afternoon.  But that is not the way it is.  The girls are my students this year, teaching me as I teach them.  And we get to visit little brother at lunch times, parties and field trips when we can.  With another little brother floating above us everywhere we go.

A Cemetery

I stopped by the cemetery that we are considering moving Chase to today.  My friend's son is buried there and I wanted to visit his grave.  She lost her son just after his birthday in 2007.  He died the 13th of April and Chase was born the 14th of April.  I feel a connection there, not only because I knew her son, but also because of the dates being so close to Chase's death and birth date.  Her son's birthday is just 6 days before his death date, 23 years later.  Chase died just 4 days after his birthday.  She has reached out to me and provided comfort to me like only mothers who have lost children can.  For that I am grateful.

I saw a grave of an infant, died in 2007.  It tears me up to see graves like that with all sorts of little toy trucks and airplanes and helicopters so curiously laid upon it.  I wish I could visit Chase's grave and share toys with him in this way, too.  Reese has a handful that he has saved just for his little brother.  I long to visit the gravesite of my son, to see his name in stone, to see our names right with his, as close as we can get in this human life of ours.  I looked around the cemetery and felt it would be a nice place to keep his "box", as we call it.  When I asked the kids the other day if they thought it was a good idea to move Chase to this cemetery, they said yes.  Actually Reese said, "no mom I want him at my house! Please?  Can we have him at our house?"  I explained the purpose of this cemetery and I think they all understood.  The fact that we may or may not be living in Ruidoso makes our decision to disinter him more complicated.  But, again, I looked around the cemetery and it felt "right".  Twelve years ago, Patric and I were married about 15 minutes down the highway.  Three of our children were born here.  Whether or not we live here in 5 years doesn't mean we won't ever be back.  We have several reasons to come back here, several concrete reasons, and one of them is his grandparents.  I would have the comforting feeling that his grandparents will always be here.  They will never move so they will always be close, and I know his G would love that.  These thoughts make this decision a little bit easier.  If that is ever possible.

I'm writing these thoughts down because I want it be known that when your child dies, cemeteries and grave sites are not something that you had ever thought about before.  Choosing a place to keep your child for the rest of time as you know it, is really an impossible choice.  There is no way of knowing the right answer.  Because, as our funeral home director pointed out to us, where we bury him, is where we will want to be buried essentially, so we may as well purchase 3 lots instead of 1.  See?  Things you never thought about, right?  Who would have known that when you give birth, days later you will be deciding where you want to be buried when you eventually die 50 years later.  Cremation was, for us, not something for considering on the spot but choosing which cemetery seemed preposterous to decide.  

The first year I was only consumed with having his grave stone ordered and in hand.  Then when it came time to lay the stone, we felt the permanence of this deed and wanted to do something about the fact that we wanted Chase closer to us.  Once we decided to do this and talked to the funeral director to find out if it can even be done, only to learn that there is even a word for it, then we had to pick where.  The cemetery I visited today was our pick, until we started to consider the facts--that our family would not forever reside in Ruidoso.  We weren't convinced that we would be raising our family here and did not want to move Chase again when we decided we were leaving.  And so here we are.  His stone sits in the garage at the funeral home across the street.  And his "box" is still 6 hours away.

So these are my thoughts today.  I hope to close this chapter soon, though I won't ever know when that will be until it actually happens.  I would rather think of my son as I saw him in the hospital isolette and those days when he fought for his life.  I would rather remember him as best I can than think of the cemetery where his box will forever remain.  But this is life as best as we can understand.  I was searching on old (really old) computer CDs the other day and found this saying that gave me chills.  I have no idea why it was on my computer years ago.  Here it is....

It is a deep mystery, This matter of Life and Death.

That the same person who brought us a thousand joys, can one day leave us shedding a thousand tears.

So suddenly, sometimes we grope blindly for words left unspoken, and for the hug we needed to give, to say goodbye.

And we wonder, how this thread holds us all to life can be so thin and fragile.. 

Until one day we find the faith and courage to accept, that the living aren’t meant to understand death, only to accept and celebrate life, and to remember that the only real death is forgetting.