Monday, April 16, 2012

What it feels like

Today I left Owen with my sister's babysitter who was watching my niece and nephew while I went to my hair appointment.   I was going to be gone a while and was hoping to spend some time in a fun and fancy shopping district.  Thus, I decided Owen would more than likely make this challenging for me so for this reason, I decided to leave him with the babysitter.  

He cried when I left him, of course, and beings I very rarely do things on my own, I felt guilty for leaving him behind. Crummy, actually.  However, while I was sitting in the salon getting my "work done", the babysitter sent me a text with a picture of Owen smiling and having fun and texted "He's a happy boy now!"  This eased my guilt a bit and I was able to enjoy the rest of the appointment.  I did not stick around to shop, but ran an errand and headed back to pick him up.  

The closer I got to my sister's house, the more excited I got to see him.  I missed him.  A lot.  I couldn't wait to see him.  And I stopped myself.  For a brief moment.  I froze this moment.  This longing to see my child.  The strong desire to hold him again.  The butterflies in my stomach full of anticipation.  The giddiness.   I had an image of him in my  mind and I could almost taste the joy I would experience when I would see/feel/hold him again.  And I was grateful. 

This is the feeling I have for Chase All.The.Time.  I can't wait for that moment when I get to hold him in my arms again.  But I have to wait.  I have to wait for I don't know how long.  And I long for that moment.  But I get to see Owen right now.  I get to walk through that door and pick him up and kiss him and hug him and squeeze him tight and tell him how much I love him.  Oh how I wish I could do that with Chase.  I'm sad because I have to wait.  And wait.  And count my blessings.  And wait.  

But this is what it feels like.


  1. Your heart must have been just bursting.

  2. Oh Christy...once again we so much the same. You expressed (so beautifully I might add), exactly what I feel. I leave Brady with my hubby every Tues. morning for 1 hour while I volunteer in the twins class and I CAN'T WAIT to get back to him. I felt the same when Nate was in the hospital and I would go across the street to sleep or downstairs to eat. I think that I just need that visual that everything is okay or else I am anxious. It's a true test of faith now that Nate lives in Heaven for me to not be anxious about his well being all of the time. That's the hardest part for me.

    Hugs to you on this difficult week and glad that you were able to get out and do something nice for YOU!