Today I left Owen with my sister's babysitter who was watching my niece and nephew while I went to my hair appointment. I was going to be gone a while and was hoping to spend some time in a fun and fancy shopping district. Thus, I decided Owen would more than likely make this challenging for me so for this reason, I decided to leave him with the babysitter.
He cried when I left him, of course, and beings I very rarely do things on my own, I felt guilty for leaving him behind. Crummy, actually. However, while I was sitting in the salon getting my "work done", the babysitter sent me a text with a picture of Owen smiling and having fun and texted "He's a happy boy now!" This eased my guilt a bit and I was able to enjoy the rest of the appointment. I did not stick around to shop, but ran an errand and headed back to pick him up.
The closer I got to my sister's house, the more excited I got to see him. I missed him. A lot. I couldn't wait to see him. And I stopped myself. For a brief moment. I froze this moment. This longing to see my child. The strong desire to hold him again. The butterflies in my stomach full of anticipation. The giddiness. I had an image of him in my mind and I could almost taste the joy I would experience when I would see/feel/hold him again. And I was grateful.
This is the feeling I have for Chase All.The.Time. I can't wait for that moment when I get to hold him in my arms again. But I have to wait. I have to wait for I don't know how long. And I long for that moment. But I get to see Owen right now. I get to walk through that door and pick him up and kiss him and hug him and squeeze him tight and tell him how much I love him. Oh how I wish I could do that with Chase. I'm sad because I have to wait. And wait. And count my blessings. And wait.
But this is what it feels like.