We had as good of a day as we could have...without you in our arms, anyway. I imagine you running around at 3 years old. You seem like a stranger when I do this, because my only pictures are of you as an infant. But I still love you...the toddler I see running around. I just feel like I don't know you. What would you be like? Calm like Reese? Wild and destructive like Owen? Somewhere in between? I miss not knowing this. I wish I could hold you, talk to you, feel you, hear you, smell you, kiss you. I miss these things so painfully bad. I know you should be here. In every right, you should be here with us. Where are you? I wish I knew. I wish I could visit your world and come back to ours. I wish I could have both worlds. I wish they were one and the same.
We celebrated you yesterday. It was beautiful. It was terribly cold, but it was amazingly beautiful. We sent you balloons and three of them did not make it up to you, but hopefully you still got them. They had a note attached from your sister and I promised her I would make sure you saw it. She was crushed when the trees got those balloons. But the other balloons got to you, I know it. They were from your brothers and sisters. We want to give you so much more for your birthday than balloons. A big party with toy tractors and cars and planes and baseballs and all the things we could watch you play with and play with you. There's so much sadness in not getting to do that. But we still celebrate you. We honor you as best we know and we do what we can. Emma wrote me a note "from you" and it was so incredibly sweet. It said, "Today I am three, Mommy" and it made me cry. I can't believe how much we all miss you. I read this on Francesca's blog the other day and it has resonated with me (please click on that link to get the proper credit for this quote):
"She is not a creature who has much to do with time any longer. Perhaps death removed her from this continuum where her mother still paces back and forth."
Time is so important to me anymore. Yet it is not to you. Waiting for the time I get to see you again is excruciating. But then there will be no more measure of time. And I must enjoy this life in the meantime.
Here are some pictures from yesterday. Moments so precious to me. I love you sweet boy. Happy, happy birthday in Heaven.