Friday, February 25, 2011

Day by day

I have said before that during my pregnancy I had followed other blogs of BLMs who were also pregnant with rainbow babies or had just brought a rainbow baby home.  I was curious how to live with a rainbow.  I was curious what emotions to expect with a rainbow while also grieving a baby lost.  I wanted to know what to expect with the fears of bringing a baby home again and the if there would be sadness always prevailing, or if happiness would overrule.  I was so excited and happy to be pregnant again, but I really wanted my sweet baby Chase back and I was too scared to think about the what-ifs.  Because I knew this baby really would not even be growing inside me if Chase were here.  My/our life would be so completely different.  So completely normal.  Without so much pain....and knowing...

Now I can speak about these things, because now I am here on this journey.  And I can say that I am soo completely scared to death.  I am so scared that something is going to happen or that something isn't going to be right with Owen.  I have read about babies lost after a few weeks old.....I can't imagine.  Losing Owen at this point would devastate me.  Us.   Just like losing Chase.   And while my pregnancy was fairly stress-free and worry-free, I don't feel that way anymore.  That peace that was over me assuring me that everything would be fine, or that everything was fine right now, is no longer around me.  Having Owen in my arms is a constant reminder of Chase.  And this is good because I love reminders of him and always thinking about him.  But the fact that he isn't here makes these constant reminders haunting in some respects, too.  I look at Owen and love him to pieces, like I love Chase.  But part of me feels like I traded in one for the other.  I couldn't have both so I had to pick.  Like if you have ever had that terrible, terrible thought of what if you had to pick between one of your kids, which one would you choose?  Maybe I'm the only one who fears that or has thought about that, but it's a horrible feeling.  And sometimes I feel that way when I look at Owen.  Like he's here because Chase is not, therefore I picked him over Chase.  That tears me up inside and some days I'm not sure how to get past that.  They are tears just under the surface.  Thank God I'm home alone all day because those tears surface occasionally and I just cry.  I love Owen so much.  So.So.Much.  But I miss Chase Just.As.Much.  

I've read this on other blogs and know that I'm not alone.  The rainbow baby doesn't fix it.  We don't expect it to fix it.    There are no replacements.  But to the outside world, it does.  Or should.  And people don't understand why we could be sad with  such a beautiful, perfect little babe in our arms.  But then we don't care about being understood, right?  We are here and they are there.  There is no crossover.  (or very few who can crossover) Two different worlds.  And we rely on our new friends, other babyloss moms and dads, to help us through this.  

I was in the dr.s office this morning with Owen for a weight check and when the doctor came in to look at him, after she had seen his weight (no gain), I started crying.  I wondered if she was looking at me like a mother who was worried about her baby gaining weight, or a mother who had lost a child and was scared to death that her baby was not gaining weight.  I think the latter--this doctor is absolutely awesome.  She talked me through it and was not really concerned about Owen, but also wanted to see him again to check up on him and make sure we gained some weight next time.  But these are the fears that get magnified when you are on this journey.  And I wonder if I would have been like this if this was our first child, rather than our last child.  Would I want more children?  How would have this affected our lives if it would have happened years ago, when we were younger?  I am so thankful it didn't. But I am quickly reminded that this shouldn't have happened in the first place.  And I shouldn't be on this journey at all.  

Here's my rainbow.  He warms my heart,  keeps me smiling, and I can't wait to see him playing with his brother and sisters.  And neither can they!


  1. The fear of losing them does not end when they arrive. It is there afterwards too. Too many people think things will be okay once they arrive. They don't realize that we still miss and love the ones that are not in our arms. Even though we have so much love for our new ones, we still want what is missing. It is hard. Just plain hard at times. Owen is so adorable! What a blessing he is.

  2. He's beautiful!
    I know what you mean- I know that if my Andrew were here (at least) one of my living children would not be. I always think it would be my last because technically he was number four at home which is what we 'wanted' but in all reality it probably would have been my daughter born just 15 months after her brothers (I'm sure we would have been more 'careful'. While it is hard to imagine 'trading them out'- I cannot imagine my life without the four personalities that are in it in this moment... In the end I am so glad that I wasn't the one to choose- but I truly believe they were all in my life for a reason- even Andrew- and I am going to make the best of every moment of every day.
    When I had my boys (and even my next daughter) I was fearful so long that something would happen to them- it got (a little) easier with the others- but still I can't stand when my husband is driving with them without me- I have horrible thoughts of losing them all and me living and that I can't imagine- don't think that I would feel that way had I not had my heart so broken...
    Sorry for the mini-blog on your post- just got me thinkin'.

  3. all I know is... Our journey continues.. Although my rainbow is not here yet.. I do know that bringing him home (god willing) will be just as hard as the worry over the past few weeks.. Owen is SO very beautiful.. and he an Jonathan will have a special bond just as Chase and Joseph do!

  4. I def fear something happening. I'm always a little afraid when I lay her down that she won't wake back up. It would be so devastating.

  5. All of this.. is so well said right now
    "I've read this on other blogs and know that I'm not alone. The rainbow baby doesn't fix it. We don't expect it to fix it. There are no replacements. But to the outside world, it does. Or should. And people don't understand why we could be sad with such a beautiful, perfect little babe in our arms. But then we don't care about being understood, right? We are here and they are there. There is no crossover. (or very few who can crossover) Two different worlds. And we rely on our new friends, other babyloss moms and dads, to help us through this. "

    Even without another baby in my life right now, this is such an echo of how I am feeling..
    Did you connect with other bereaved parents in your own town? I hope you have had that connection.. I am hoping to make one of my own.. no luck yet.