Friday, December 3, 2010

An ugly post....for BLMs only

I hate to follow that post of such positivity with this one....but my blog has come to my aid countless times providing me with comfort and support from the only people in the world who truly can understand me and empathize with  me for being the social outkast because my baby died: other BLMs.  And so I share this....

I have not vented nor had the need to vent, about lost and broken friendships for several months.  Those doors are closed, or so I thought, and I am focused on what matters in my life: my family.  Not friendships that appear smooth on the surface while causing me pain underneath.  I no longer have room in this heart  of mine that has been slowly pieced back together, though one piece will forever be missing.  My circle has definitely shrunk.  And my family is really my center point and where I get all the love, nourishment, companionship, and entertainment from.  I just wish what was in my head was the same as what is in my heart.

I don't know if I have written about the doctor and his family leaving town but they did this summer and it gave me a small peace of mind knowing I don't have to worry about turning the corner and running into them or seeing them on the road, etc.  My guard was lifted a tiny bit.  And I probably have written about losing friendships because the doctor's wife is still friends with those in our old circle, while we are not.  I had "friends" tell me that we need to remember that this tragedy happened to TWO families in this town, theirs and ours.  Though it was our son who died while theirs get kisses and hugs from them every day.  As if it is important enough to mention, I was once very close friends with his wife, but our friendship fell apart about a year before I became pregnant with Chase.  I have never been able to decide if this severed friendship led to the demise of my patient/doctor relationship during my prenatal care or not.  There was nothing offered or received from her after the birth or death of Chase so all of it is neither here nor there in my mind.  The problem I had was the support my friends were offering her rather than me.  Why was it so important to them to remind me that she was not in the delivery room or that horrible operating room where her husband cut into me while I was screaming my lungs out and hitting him.....hours, hours, after he should have done something to save Chase, but was just too arrogant to admit that he might need to be concerned about the care he had given up to that point.  

This has surfaced once again because though the family has relocated, she apparently, is back in town...for a party.  A party with my former friends, whom I really wonder why I ever called them my friends or me theirs.  This is one of those "clicky" desperate housewife type parties that the invite list changes every year--depending on the party thrower.  I have never made the cut anyway, which is funny I know (pie in my face), unlucky me--whatever.  But this year, they went out of their way to invite her she could make a special flight back into town just for it.  Makes it sound like a pretty special party, huh?  I thought so, too.   These are the same friends who threw the doctor and his family a going away party this summer in a town three hours away bidding farewell to them with hugs and kisses and nice gifts.  Wow--that kind of support for the man who did all this to me?  Do they know that....or have they just forgotten?  From the people who were supposed to be my friends?  They never offered me that kind of support.  Unless you call coming into my home the second Chase died to break down my crib and remove all my baby belongings so I wouldn't have any reminders of him when I walked in the door.  Really?   LIke I was going to leave Albuquerque and forget about my dead son if the crib and his clothes were not in my room anymore?  At the time I tried to look into this with the best of intentions and understand these things as best I could.  But wow, 1 yr 7mo2wk and 2 days into this grief cycle and it sounds insanely absurd to me now.  If they would have truly known me and been my real friends, they would have known that that baby furniture had been in my bedroom far longer than it had not over the prior 5 years and removing it from my room under normal circumstances would have not even felt right to me.  It was definitely not going to be something to send me over the edge coming home from the hospital without my baby in my arms.  Quite the contrary, in all actuality, but again, how would they know that.  

My anger comes out again....not from my heart, but from my head.  A conflict so very difficult to mend....and will forever keep me out of balance.  But my heart is in the right place.  It is my head that still seeks confrontation and closure, which I will never get.  Not the closure I want.  When I ask what I could have possibly done to these people to make them so nonchalantly continue including this family in their lives and support them, someone said to me, "they just don't know what to say to you probably."  Not.  They feel guilty for supporting that family and not supporting ours.....despite over 30 years of knowing our family.  I'm only venting here because it is the therapy I need.  I don't seek their friendship or their comfort or their companionship.  I am a different person.  One they will never understand and will never know and I don't expect or desire that to change.  I am getting this anger and frustration off my chest (out of my head) so I can once again lay it to rest without being judged.....and just hope it doesn't ever surface again.  Because rest assured you'll hear about it here if it does.  *sigh*


  1. I just don't get it either. How can they just Brush off what was the most tragic event in your life and honor the ones who caused the pain to happen? It seems like these families are so shallow that they are empty and not able to actually care for a human being and family that needed a friend the most. I wish I was there with you - not in passing judgement.. just understanding. No need to pour lemon juice in the wound so deep ... Thinking of you and hopeing that your holiday is filled with family and light

  2. I too have lost many friends over the birth and death of my little boy - You are right, people are shallow and many people are superficial and have no f**cking clue. Excuse the language, but it is the truth.

    People don't realize that it is every minute of everyday that we are without our children...while they may think about how hard it is for a few minutes, we are stuck with a lifetime of grief.

    But there are a few special people who get it and I hope you do have those people in your life. Cut out the jerks and stay focused on the people who bring you up, not down. (Easier said that done I know, it is so hard not to be angry with these people...but that is what we are all here for, vent to us...we all have "those" people in our lives too...and they all suck! That is my rant about that!

  3. I know I don't get it. I think your lives are def better off without them. You don't need that kind of people as friends. Real friends just don't do that but I know it has to be frustrating not to have that closure.

  4. Oh my word...I'm so sorry and don't even know what to say. I cannot, cannot, cannot imagine having what happened to us happen and then have to deal with the fallout from litigation and 'friendships'...I'm just so, so sorry.

    Thank you so much for your kind words to me. I am very, very happy that you have some restored joy in Chase's little brother...though I know we both know that nothing ever replaces our boys and it is almost even harder to have another little boy on the way. Certainly we are thrilled...but there's a lot of grief work that goes with having another baby of the same gender--mainly because most people think that it should be all fixed now that there's another boy least that's what I am finding so many people think.

    Following with you as well and sending you lots of prayers for peace and the compassion from those who truly care....xoxoxo

  5. I don't think I have ever commented on your blog, so let me first say that I am very sorry that Chase was not taken care of and had to leave for Heaven. I am glad that the doctor & his family moved, but am dismayed at the "friends" who still support them and don't support you. Why are the victims often made out to be the bad guys? I lost my best friend of 8 years when our daughtr died. She became angry when I got married and left me totally when Meredith died. After many years it still hurts. I even thought about contacting her last Christmas and trying to make peace with her. Then I came to my senses and thought - she is the one who left - why do I want to make peace with HER? She is a person who volunteers and helps all kinds of charities, but she dropped me when I buried a child. I am sorry these people treated you this way - it makes NO sense - I'm thinking of you and sending prayers.

  6. I seriously cannot believe these "friends" said it's a tragedy for BOTH families!!! Are you kidding me??!!?? Wow. I'm glad those "friends" are out of your life b/c they obviously don't get it. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I am glad that the doctor & his family moved away...that has to be a slight relief. Thinking of you & Chase <3

  7. Christy,
    I am so very sorry you have been dealing with all of that on top of the loss of Chase. For some reason, I had no idea about the circumstances surrounding his birth. I can't imagine how that must feel, but I have an idea.
    To echo some other responses, people who haven't been through anything like losing a child have NO IDEA what is might be like. They are clueless, and ignorant, and frankly, I htink most of them would rather turn and walk away than try to imagine it. Thus, the loss of friends because it's too uncomfortable FOR THEM. I am sending you hugs for the holidays.
    BTW, I don;t know why your blog hasn't been coming up on my reading list...I don't think I've read one of your posts in a long time. Hang in there, and you ahve every right to express your anger. I know Ive needed to, repeatedly.

  8. Glad you have this place to vent and a community of BLM's to rally around you!
    Sending big hugs your way!


  9. Christy,

    I don't know the full depth of your story, this is my first time visiting your blog. But I read this post and was so drawn in by your words, and I felt angry for you. Those "friends" that can't support us during our most low and tragic times were never true friends to begin with. I hope you find some peace and closure in regards to them.

    Kat @ In Dylan's Memory

  10. These are women who maintain friendships based on what can be gained. If you are clear about what is important to you, they gain nothing from you... you are clear, you are strong, you are living through a horrible tragedy, you are surviving... inside, many of them are not and you are a threat because of your strength. They continue to support this family because they appear to NEED support; this has weakened their 'status' and security in our small town... and that makes these women feel good about themselves, to be needed and to fulfill that need. They cannot offer you anything, Christy, because they have nothing of substance to offer except weak words of encouragement over lattes and scones. Despite the pain you have felt and continue to face, you are stronger, more secure, and admired for the way your family has pulled together rather than fallen apart. And you're right... they were never true friends anyway... I am really sorry you have experienced the loss of your little babe... I cannot imagine and I don't know what to say... except that I am proud of you and your family for the stength you have shown and the honest way you continue to live your life...

  11. What incredible insight, Danica. Thank you for sharing this with my sister in a way that only someone that truly knows these people could. You are exactly right and couldn't have put it any better. Thank you.