I can't believe Thanksgiving is already over. We had a wonderful holiday with family but it went too fast. I have read on blogs of other BLMs about the significance of things that never used to be significant. Our family sees the simplest things from a whole new point of view since saying goodbye to Chase. When we packed up the vehicle and were saying our farewells to the family, a peculiar thing happened; though I doubt it would have been as peculiar had Chase been in my arms. When I opened the car door for the kids, immediately I saw a ladybug on the seat. I really wish I would have taken a picture of it because I had never seen a ladybug so big and with so many spots on it. Never like this. It almost seemed to have character as I picked it up and showed the kids, whom were all intrigued by the little bug. Of course they referred to it as Chase right away and wanted to bring it with us. I, too, wanted to think of it as Chase. But the rational side of me says it's a bug, we don't need to bring it in the car. However, when I picked "him" up, he snuggled right in under my watch and I couldn't get to him without removing my watch and picking him out of the buckle. It was a little odd and I really did think of this ladybug as either Chase or a gift from Chase or some sort of connection. I felt this way because I felt the freedom to think and feel freely about this little beauty--as a result of my perspective on the universe since Chase passed. I was comforted in a way while listening to the kids play in the backseat, talking to Chase (the ladybug, who was in the console between them) and including them in their imaginitive play. Thinking....wishing it was all real.
Our holiday tripped was capped off by a surprise baby shower that Emma had planned and, with the help of her aunts, threw for me the night before we left. I had suspected Emma was trying to plan something a few weeks ago and emailed my sisters telling them I just didn't want a baby shower this time and wasn't ready to buy or receive a bunch of baby gear and stuff for this baby yet. I want to celebrate Chase again this year and didn't want to feel like I was overlooking him by prematurely celebrating the next baby, when, as we know it, is not guaranteed. Right? However twisted it is, that was my feeling about a shower but I told them (my sisters) that I also didn't want to take anything away from big sister Emma who might want to be a part of or organize something like a baby shower. If anyone could police this plan, I could trust my sisters to do it gracefully and tactfully, satisfying and fulfilling both hers and my wishes.
It was beautiful. It was sweet. It was fun. It was special. It was intimate--just my sisters and their kids/husbands. It was absolutely perfect. Emma had everything planned from the games we played (the kids had a blast!), to the decorations (a sign made that said "Chase has brought us a gift. A baby boy!"), to the design on the cake (an angel in the clouds and a baby with a stork) and everything in between. And Aunt Lyn & Aunt Meg made it happen! They told me that Emma had contacted them about this shower the day that we told the kids we were pregnant--so that was at least 4 months ago! She had even written me a poem and framed it. You can read it here. The memories we made that night were priceless for all of us. I am so grateful to have sisters that will go to those measures to make my family happy and a daughter with such a big heart.
I was talking to Reese the other day about Christmas gifts and asked him teasingly what he was going to get me this year. He said he wanted to give me a picture of Chase but that he was sad that we had all we were going to get for pictures of him and we couldn't get a new one. But then his smile perked right up and he said, "I know, Mom. I will take a picture of something beautiful and put it with glass and wrap it for you. Because, you know, everything that is beautiful is Chase."
I had an appointment yesterday and went by myself. The baby is doing fine--measuring 3.7 lbs and nearly 15 inches already (in the 71st %-ile). That is reassuring and all but unfortunately I am a product of "there are no guarantees in life" so when I see him on the screen, I see him for what he is today. What this little angel looks like today that is kicking me all the time and moving all about. And I love that. I cherish it and could watch him on the screen all day long. It is such a gift growing this little person inside me and I couldn't be more privileged to be in this position. But I can't help but think every time we get these BPPs with "all the points" that Chase was just like that. He got all those points on each BPP, too. Yet he is not here with us and it is still no different than missing a limb or other part of my body. Anger ensues and I thank my lucky stars that I have the best doctors and best facilities I know to take me through this pregnancy but hate myself for not taking those measures with Chase's pregnancy. Those thoughts don't overtake me, but they linger, and they will never go away. I walk out of the room with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, holding my precious little one tucked away in my belly....yet broken on the inside missing a piece of my ever growing heart.
On the way home from this appointment, I received a gift. I was in the desert part of my drive in pitch black night skies; nothing but the stars looking down on me. I looked up out of the side window just in time to see the brightest shooting star I have ever seen. Ever! It was amazing. And it was a long one! The longest one I had ever seen. Just like the ladybug, I felt comfort in this star because it had to be a sign from Chase, there was no other way I would ever look at it. And again, as crazy as it sounds, this was my gift from him--in my eyes. But I have the privilege of seeing it this way, because of this universe that I now live in. So amazingly different from where I used to be.