I have great news. I just did not ever feel the time was right to share it here. This blog is about our life, our family. But it has been, for so long, a place for me to grieve--to talk about Chase and what he means to us and how much we miss him. Because that is what I needed this blog to be. I see my friends here, hear from them here, share with them here, all of our feelings about missing our babies. And I understand, now, how BLMs have so much trouble announcing their rainbow pregnancies. There are so many conflicting emotions, and I have been blogging may way through them over here, if you are interested. But it is time, now, to officially share our news....Enter....Pearson baby #5, due February 13th:
I can't share this news, however, without including a picture of Chase, too. He has to be on this post, right there with his little brother. He is such a big part of this baby. He is the reason this baby is here. He has helped carry me this far through this pregnancy, no doubt. But now there is a new little one to focus on, and that is hard to do, when you know all you really want to do is hold the one that should be here.
I am so incredibly happy about this pregnancy. I love this little guy already more than I ever thought possible. With every kick, every swoosh I feel from him, I feel love. I am normally not a peaceful, joyous pregnant person, but I have to say that I have enjoyed this pregnancy more with the perspective I have than I ever thought I would. I have fears, of course. I am scared out of my mind for what can happen. But somehow, I have been at peace with all those concerns. I have felt Chase carrying me, assuring me it's okay to be happy, not to be sad. There are pangs of guilt, when I see toddlers his age or when I hold his clothes or things that his little brother will now wear instead of him. But these feelings are overwhelmed by the love I feel for this little one, the joy I have, the anticipation of bringing him home and holding him.
Saying these things, typing these words, I still painfully miss my little guy. Even Emma said to me the other day....."Mom, I'm just not sure what I want more. I really am excited for the baby, but I miss Chase and I don't know if I want the new baby or Chase more. Because the new baby probably wouldn't be here if Chase was alive." We all feel it. The confusion. The emotion. The fear. A million times I have imagined this baby in my arms, carrying him out of the hospital, taking him home. But a part of me feels that there is a huge gap in there. The emptiness; a void. That something is missing in the middle of all this. And how do you move on from that? I used to wonder how I could move pass Chase and love a new baby. How could a mother just move on like that? It's not something I want to do. And I don't feel entirely like I am moving on. I feel like a part of my life stopped when Chase died. It will always feel that way. But there is not a bone in my body that won't and doesn't already love this new little baby. And that is where Chase is helping me. He is holding my hand & my heart this whole time, letting me know he is here with me, loving me and loving this baby, and that it is ok. He knows how much I love him. It is me that can't measure that, making it so hard to be okay with loving someone new now and physically giving that love to this baby instead of Chase. But he is helping me with that and I am grateful for him.
So this announcement isn't a typical "We're having a baby!" announcement. It's more than that. It's where we are with our grief, where we are with our "new normal." And it's about Chase still being with us. I feel in a way he is taking care of his little brother, they are somewhere in the same "place" right now. And when the time is right, Chase will bring his brother into our world, to hold and love on. Until then, however, I will love what I cannot hold, with every ounce of my broken heart.